(no subject)
this is going to get really melodramatic because i'm really in it right now.
i keep seeking attention in the wrong place. i keep playing wounded bird in hopes for some kind of comfort. truth is, i am really hurting, but i'm never so open about it with someone without reason. and so i finally stopped lying to myself.
and now i feel like i'm exploding, or imploding really. it's weird because i just keep on keepin' on like i did before, only now things are more clear to me. and when things are clear to me, i act pretty stupid.
i hate that everyone kept pushing it. i resent every time someone asked what things meant, tried to define us. i hate every person who tried to categorize either of us. and now i have to deal with these stupid feelings that i've so easily shoved in the back of my mind for so long.
i don't want to deal with them. i don't want to feel like this anymore, because it's stupid and pointless. what am i to do? opening my mouth to a pile of word vomit is out of the question entirely. so the best i can do is continue the way i've been. but if acting this way led me to an inevitable self-discovery that i hate, what else is inevitable?
i hate to think that i hold the key to ruining the most important connection i've ever made in my life. but i also realize that as life goes on, you fuck things up without ever meaning or wanting to.
this situation really seems to have no clear solution. it seems like it has no solution, like fate set me up for failure.
i really hope i don't fuck myself over.