(no subject)
how ironic that the theme of my livejournal is happiness, color and optimism. things i never seem to excell at.
i don't know anything anymore. once i was so sure of myself, so sure of my direction, so sure of my wonderfulness. i'm sure that i'm great, i'm sure that i'm deserving, i'm sure that i have great qualities. i'm unsure of where i'm headed, unsure of what i'll be dealt. i guess that's normal.
i think he wants me to wait. i feel like he's asking me to, without saying anything at all. we have fun together. i make him smile, he makes me smile. he teases me in a playful way. i take his jokes with a grain of salt, knowing they might mean something.
all i keep typing is "i don't know" because i just don't. i feel like he's trying to get me to stay, as a friend. he wants to live life, be crazy, have girlfriends, be promiscuous, and eventually, when he's ready and sure, i think he wants me to still be here for him to come back to.
i always said to myself, that if it was true love, it would come back.
i also always said to myself, it isn't worth waiting for something that isn't coming to you. it isn't worth putting your heart out and on the line for someone who can't handle it properly, and never will.
i'm struggling. i can't let go. i want to wait, even though i know it just means misery and heartache. and while sometimes that might be worth going through to keep the person you're meant to be with, what if i put myself through all of that to find he isn't the one?
i need to let go. i need to live my life. i know what i'm afraid of. i'm afraid of letting go, finding that life, finding that new and wonderful love or just new and wonderful self-love, just in time for him to come around, realize that i'm not just great to have around, that i'm the best to have around, realize that i'm worth fighting for PERMANENTLY and not just temporarily, and not being able to have him back. i know it'll hurt me. even if at that point i don't love him anymore, knowing that i've moved on and he can't will hurt me. i'll always care about him.
i'm young yet. i have so much to live for. i just need to take that final step of goodbye and live for it. it's so hard to give up on him when i know he'll give up on himself.
i care too much. i can't put myself first, not in any situation. it seems like i'm always putting myself first, i know, but in reality i can't set my boundaries.
this is so hard. seattle is my fantasy of running away. i have to face my problems. i have to find strength.