cleansing.
i must cleanse. and when i cleanse, i talk it.
http://themindsjournal.com/five-powerful-ways-abusive-narcissists-get-inside-your-head/
some of you know my past with a certain guy person. it was a very difficult time in my life that lasted about 10 years, off and on.
after writing all the things, i realized it would make more sense if people reading this knew what "the big lie" was. to make a long story short, basically we became really close friends, then more than friends. he was the first to tell me he loved me, and then i had to think about how i felt, and eventually fell in love with him. i was very happy. our online relationship lasted a few months, until he told me one day that he wanted to end things. i was 16 and he was my first real love. i remember bawling in the bathroom so hard after that. we had our mutual friends (my friends i had known longer and he came into our group.) and after that i talked to them about what happened, they were caring. but me and him weren't so good. we argued off and on. and then he started telling my friends that our relationship never existed. that i was making it up. that i was just some obsessed crazy person. i was dumbfounded. despite me telling them no, we did have a relationship, they didn't believe me. and thus, the secret abuse from him started.
while i've been able to heal mostly since then, the side effects have been my inability to trust people as easily as before and i can't handle lying. and i've always thought that i was the one that caused it. it was my fault. if i didn't do some things, maybe it would've turned out differently. after several years, all i wanted was closure. he eventually gave me that, apologized for being immature. i asked him if he would finally tell the truth. but he said no. i was happy enough to get closure at least, because after that i was able to stop crying everyday in the shower. move on. at least i thought so..
he had sucked me right back in. and again, it was fine for awhile. until he started back with his manipulating and lies. i was not smart enough to know. i knew i didn't say the things. i knew the truth. however, he somehow seemed to warp things to make me feel like i was the problem. and i believed it.
after several more years of this, i finally got up the balls to fight back. i wanted it to end. i asked him to stop. i asked him to stop spreading lies and manipulating the truth. he said no. i pleaded. he said no. he will not stop. because i deserved it. i said ok. fine. but.. can you at least, stop lying to my friends? can you at least be civil in mixed company? no, he said. no. i broke down. i didn't know what to do. he wouldn't stop. he wouldn't stop in front of my friends. he wouldn't stop slandering me to anyone who would listen. i felt helpless. and no one would believe me otherwise. they would be nice to me anyway, but i knew what he was telling them. and i knew they believed him. because well, he's the "nicest guy on the internet." everyone loved him. so why would he do anything like that? crazy, right? despite my pleas to him to stop, they went unanswered. no one believed the abuse i endured from him. one person was there for me from the beginning. (♥ your face) i don't know what would've happened to me if i didn't have that one friend stand up for me. i prefer not to think about that.
other friends came to me years later, and even some came back and apologized for not believing me. it felt wonderful. but i was still broken. i was slowly picking up the pieces. but the damage was done.
there was a period of about two years that i didn't hear anything from him. no one came to me to tell me he was feeding them a story and wanted to know why i did that, which is how i found out he was still out there trying to destroy me. he would never talk to me, but he had a ton to say about me to other people. it was a lot of "oh i know you've been on this board for awhile and you've participated but done nothing wrong, he doesn't feel comfortable around you, so we're banning you." or, "he's in this chatroom. so you're banned for just being there." lots of that sort of thing. even someone that was his friend, that i didn't even know, came in IRC one night and just started on me. i had no idea why. i asked, "do i know you?" and she said no, but she knew "all about me" and how i should just leave him alone. i was completely blindsided. i didn't really know what to say. i did try to defend myself and say it was all lies, and that's not what happened. but that fell on deaf ears.
i would get enough strength to heal a bit and BAM. oh hi. i thought you were tired of me, but apparently not. seemed to be like, every 2 years he'd rear his ugly head at a mutual friend, and then that friend would tell me to get lost. like, "oh let's start a chatroom with all our old buddies. oh wait. he says you 'creep him out.' so. i'm going to ask you to leave." even though i was a co-creator of said chatroom, which never did happen anyway. so i dealt with a lot of that. like, really? am i just destined to live a broken life, never being able to escape the abuse, never going to be able to escape *long enough* to heal?
eventually, i was able to escape. either that, or he got bored and decided to stop slandering me across all corners of the internet. or i just haven't heard about it.
the girl from IRC that came in at me that i talked about earlier said she wanted to apologize to me. she said he told her all the things, how i was a terrible person, etc. but after getting to know me, i wasn't like that at all. i thanked her and asked what else he told her. she said the things, and i said none of that was true. and she believed me. she probably has no idea how much that meant to me.
i've had just a few friends that came in years later that knew him that also believed me. which helped me heal better, and get stronger. but i didn't go around telling people about what happened, like he did. i still felt like i was the problem. like i was a terrible person and i caused it. so i didn't tell people. it was embarrassing and hurtful, and i didn't like reliving the past.
i created a new name on the internet to go by to start anew. too many bad things happened with my old name. and that's the name people knew that was such a "terrible, obsessed crazy person." and i was tired of tip-toeing around the internet. i wanted to go to the places i wanted to go - regardless if he was there or not.
anyway, i was living with that. i haven't heard from him in any way for about.. 5 years or so. and i secretly wished that one day if i ran into him and he would tell the truth, finally. but that will never happen. i honestly don't care to see him. and my good friend brought up a valid point. if they ever saw him, they would not give him the satisfaction to know he had made any impact on them. although i wish i could do that, i feel like if i ever saw him in person, i would freeze. i wouldn't know what to say, or what to think. i don't know if i would start tearing up, or not. but i do know this. i am indifferent towards him now. i loved him. i hated him. i'm indifferent. he doesn't affect my life anymore.
i'm writing this now, because i read an article about a month ago posted in my highly sensitive people group (yes this is an actual condition that affects roughly 10% of the population) that made me finally get past the previous years and completely heal.
he was an abusive narcissist. despite what i thought, i actually was the victim. (he told me to stop "playing the victim" a lot.) i am a survivor. it was not my fault. when i would catch him in lies, he would turn it around like i had made it up. "i never said that." oh, okay.. maybe i just remembered it wrong. "that never happened." oh.. maybe it was a dream.
no. i was just too caught in his web to know better.
i have felt a cleansing in the past month after reading more about abusive narcissists. it is extremely mind opening. the more i read this article, i was like, "omg.. this.. wait. this happened to me." every single point in the article i can share an example of. every. single. thing. happened to me. i still don't know if the guy i met was the real guy or just a facade.
you had my heart inside your hands, and you played it with a beating.
"But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win."
but not this time.
thanks Adele. i set fire to the rain.
(but most thanks to mysti and this article.)
http://themindsjournal.com/five-powerful-ways-abusive-narcissists-get-inside-your-head/
some of you know my past with a certain guy person. it was a very difficult time in my life that lasted about 10 years, off and on.
after writing all the things, i realized it would make more sense if people reading this knew what "the big lie" was. to make a long story short, basically we became really close friends, then more than friends. he was the first to tell me he loved me, and then i had to think about how i felt, and eventually fell in love with him. i was very happy. our online relationship lasted a few months, until he told me one day that he wanted to end things. i was 16 and he was my first real love. i remember bawling in the bathroom so hard after that. we had our mutual friends (my friends i had known longer and he came into our group.) and after that i talked to them about what happened, they were caring. but me and him weren't so good. we argued off and on. and then he started telling my friends that our relationship never existed. that i was making it up. that i was just some obsessed crazy person. i was dumbfounded. despite me telling them no, we did have a relationship, they didn't believe me. and thus, the secret abuse from him started.
while i've been able to heal mostly since then, the side effects have been my inability to trust people as easily as before and i can't handle lying. and i've always thought that i was the one that caused it. it was my fault. if i didn't do some things, maybe it would've turned out differently. after several years, all i wanted was closure. he eventually gave me that, apologized for being immature. i asked him if he would finally tell the truth. but he said no. i was happy enough to get closure at least, because after that i was able to stop crying everyday in the shower. move on. at least i thought so..
he had sucked me right back in. and again, it was fine for awhile. until he started back with his manipulating and lies. i was not smart enough to know. i knew i didn't say the things. i knew the truth. however, he somehow seemed to warp things to make me feel like i was the problem. and i believed it.
after several more years of this, i finally got up the balls to fight back. i wanted it to end. i asked him to stop. i asked him to stop spreading lies and manipulating the truth. he said no. i pleaded. he said no. he will not stop. because i deserved it. i said ok. fine. but.. can you at least, stop lying to my friends? can you at least be civil in mixed company? no, he said. no. i broke down. i didn't know what to do. he wouldn't stop. he wouldn't stop in front of my friends. he wouldn't stop slandering me to anyone who would listen. i felt helpless. and no one would believe me otherwise. they would be nice to me anyway, but i knew what he was telling them. and i knew they believed him. because well, he's the "nicest guy on the internet." everyone loved him. so why would he do anything like that? crazy, right? despite my pleas to him to stop, they went unanswered. no one believed the abuse i endured from him. one person was there for me from the beginning. (♥ your face) i don't know what would've happened to me if i didn't have that one friend stand up for me. i prefer not to think about that.
other friends came to me years later, and even some came back and apologized for not believing me. it felt wonderful. but i was still broken. i was slowly picking up the pieces. but the damage was done.
there was a period of about two years that i didn't hear anything from him. no one came to me to tell me he was feeding them a story and wanted to know why i did that, which is how i found out he was still out there trying to destroy me. he would never talk to me, but he had a ton to say about me to other people. it was a lot of "oh i know you've been on this board for awhile and you've participated but done nothing wrong, he doesn't feel comfortable around you, so we're banning you." or, "he's in this chatroom. so you're banned for just being there." lots of that sort of thing. even someone that was his friend, that i didn't even know, came in IRC one night and just started on me. i had no idea why. i asked, "do i know you?" and she said no, but she knew "all about me" and how i should just leave him alone. i was completely blindsided. i didn't really know what to say. i did try to defend myself and say it was all lies, and that's not what happened. but that fell on deaf ears.
i would get enough strength to heal a bit and BAM. oh hi. i thought you were tired of me, but apparently not. seemed to be like, every 2 years he'd rear his ugly head at a mutual friend, and then that friend would tell me to get lost. like, "oh let's start a chatroom with all our old buddies. oh wait. he says you 'creep him out.' so. i'm going to ask you to leave." even though i was a co-creator of said chatroom, which never did happen anyway. so i dealt with a lot of that. like, really? am i just destined to live a broken life, never being able to escape the abuse, never going to be able to escape *long enough* to heal?
eventually, i was able to escape. either that, or he got bored and decided to stop slandering me across all corners of the internet. or i just haven't heard about it.
the girl from IRC that came in at me that i talked about earlier said she wanted to apologize to me. she said he told her all the things, how i was a terrible person, etc. but after getting to know me, i wasn't like that at all. i thanked her and asked what else he told her. she said the things, and i said none of that was true. and she believed me. she probably has no idea how much that meant to me.
i've had just a few friends that came in years later that knew him that also believed me. which helped me heal better, and get stronger. but i didn't go around telling people about what happened, like he did. i still felt like i was the problem. like i was a terrible person and i caused it. so i didn't tell people. it was embarrassing and hurtful, and i didn't like reliving the past.
i created a new name on the internet to go by to start anew. too many bad things happened with my old name. and that's the name people knew that was such a "terrible, obsessed crazy person." and i was tired of tip-toeing around the internet. i wanted to go to the places i wanted to go - regardless if he was there or not.
anyway, i was living with that. i haven't heard from him in any way for about.. 5 years or so. and i secretly wished that one day if i ran into him and he would tell the truth, finally. but that will never happen. i honestly don't care to see him. and my good friend brought up a valid point. if they ever saw him, they would not give him the satisfaction to know he had made any impact on them. although i wish i could do that, i feel like if i ever saw him in person, i would freeze. i wouldn't know what to say, or what to think. i don't know if i would start tearing up, or not. but i do know this. i am indifferent towards him now. i loved him. i hated him. i'm indifferent. he doesn't affect my life anymore.
i'm writing this now, because i read an article about a month ago posted in my highly sensitive people group (yes this is an actual condition that affects roughly 10% of the population) that made me finally get past the previous years and completely heal.
he was an abusive narcissist. despite what i thought, i actually was the victim. (he told me to stop "playing the victim" a lot.) i am a survivor. it was not my fault. when i would catch him in lies, he would turn it around like i had made it up. "i never said that." oh, okay.. maybe i just remembered it wrong. "that never happened." oh.. maybe it was a dream.
no. i was just too caught in his web to know better.
i have felt a cleansing in the past month after reading more about abusive narcissists. it is extremely mind opening. the more i read this article, i was like, "omg.. this.. wait. this happened to me." every single point in the article i can share an example of. every. single. thing. happened to me. i still don't know if the guy i met was the real guy or just a facade.
you had my heart inside your hands, and you played it with a beating.
"But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win."
but not this time.
thanks Adele. i set fire to the rain.
(but most thanks to mysti and this article.)