lately...

[cottnmouthcandy]

Lately, I've been waking up and realizing, I'm not happy with my life. I'm not happy at all. Things haven't been right... they haven't been wrong either. Every day seems to drag on and take weeks. I feel like I no longer have a purpose in life. I'm just existing... not living. I feel. And I cry... But that's not the point. I'm not really sure if I have a place in life yet, but I hope I will find that place soon. A place where people can accept me for who I am and understand that that makes me a good person. Things haven't been going well... I feel alone, but I'm obviously not. I have people around me every hour of the day... Be that so, that doesn't mean they're with me in heart. When it comes down to it, that's what matters. Some people I may never get to see, but they're with me in my heart. That's what truly matters. That's what helps me see that I have a purpose. Ralph showed me that tonight. He cares about me, and I care about him. Kind of the way Brian and I used to. Ralph is beyond a friend, and I love him unconditionally. The feeling I have for him is hard to explain. It is, without a doubt, love. But this love has taken on a new level. It is not the love you show for a family member, or a friend, or even a lover. It's a little bit of all three. Ralph means so much to me, and I know I can always rely on him. Sometimes, in the middle of the day, I wonder how he's doing. It's not so much that I wonder about him, I worry about him. And he worries about me. He knows I haven't been well, and he sees that things aren't getting better. But I know I have him, and that helps a lot. I feel safe with Ralph. I can trust him, and we understand each other... which is odd because we don't talk all that much. All I know is this much: I love Ralph and he loves me. Other than Ralph, I'm not really sure who I can turn to. Now that Brian's gone, Ralph is truly my only option. There's always Gail and Melissa, but it's hard. I need someone who understands and accepts that I have a "darker side" that I'm not all smiles. Yes, I do talk to Gail and Mel, and Ralph as well, but they're not the same as Brian. But even Brian isn't the same as he used to be. I told Ralph some of the things Brian said to me, and Ralph pointed out something very important. He doesn't treat me like a friend. At least not anymore. He's very snappy. And always seemed threatened by other people. He said no one was in the same position as him. That no one else was so close to me. I said Ralph was, so Brian told me to call him. But he doesn't understand that I can't. I wish I could. O God, I wish I could. But I just can't. Then he told me to call Gail. It was 2a.m. and he was telling me to call Gail. I had called Brian because I was upset... When someone is upset, you don't just dump them off into someone else's hands. I called Brian because I knew he could help. And I knew he would calm me down. That he did.. but when it came time to hang up, I got worse, because I knew that would be our last time speaking. He told me, "It's not the end of the world; it's a new beginning." He's right.... As much as I don't want him to be... He's right. And I'm scared because I can't do this alone. And lately... that's all I've been. Alone...

So thank you to the people who took time to read this. And thank you to those who have helped. Especially Ralphie. Thank you.