muddle
cross posted...
foodies. a so-so day (there were some purges in between all this. I gave in too easily :er:).
[U]lunch:[/U]
1 slice bread
1 laughing cow lite cheese piece
1 tomato
1/2 cup chickpeas
[U]snack:[/U]
iced coffee (homemade with 1/2 cup strong coffee, 1/2 cup soy milk, 1 cup ice, and splenda)
[U]Dinner:[/U]
veggie pattie w portobello mushroom and a slice of swiss
1/2 bun
2 servings grilled veggies
3 fries
Things with the T were....ok. We set the goal of having and keeping down lunch (no idea how this is going to go. I have good intentions, but today did not work out so well...).
We talked about my concerns over weight gain and body acceptance, and she basically said that things are going to suck for the next while, bigtime in that area. She also said that the human body IS disgusting looking, that she doesn't like what she sees in her mirror either but does not care, so i might as well come to accept that i might never be happy with what i see, realise it's not that important, and focus on other, more important things. I found that discouraging. I don't want to despise my body forever.
She thinks this potential new job might be good for me and is encouraging me to take it if it comes through. (BLU, the job is doing gruntwork and writing at a magazine).
She talked about how much better the prognosis is for ppl who can reover on an OP basis vs. those who do the hospital thing--so she liked the idea of trying to do it on my own IF I CAN, and if not, then i will go through with the IOP plan in a few months.(thus meaning i would have to quit this job ---you see my dilemma and motivation for all of this...).
I have to admit, i wanted more of an enthusiastic response from her. I don't know how much faith she really has in me, that I can do this after so long.
I want to not care about weight. I want to not flip out around each and every meal. I want to go days without thinking of a scale or critically assessing myself in a mirror. I want to think about more interesting things than food and fat and calories.
We also talked about looking at this as an addiction: as in, I am addicted to the endorphin high that goes with puking and starving, and addicted to the IDEA of being thin. So when i start to freak over a meal/food/body crap, I am supposed to look at the situation, and stop it in its tracks by saying No to the addiction. Basically, making purging Not An Option in my head. Making starving Not an Option....
On another note, I went shopping and gave in and bought two (very cheap) clothing items that actually fit me ( a pair of pants and a skirt for a toal of $29), in case i DO get this job and have to dress appropriately and presentably...I have not bought new clothes in heaven knows how long...thus, nothing i own fits now. Except these two new items! So that is a :D thing, I guess.
foodies. a so-so day (there were some purges in between all this. I gave in too easily :er:).
[U]lunch:[/U]
1 slice bread
1 laughing cow lite cheese piece
1 tomato
1/2 cup chickpeas
[U]snack:[/U]
iced coffee (homemade with 1/2 cup strong coffee, 1/2 cup soy milk, 1 cup ice, and splenda)
[U]Dinner:[/U]
veggie pattie w portobello mushroom and a slice of swiss
1/2 bun
2 servings grilled veggies
3 fries
Things with the T were....ok. We set the goal of having and keeping down lunch (no idea how this is going to go. I have good intentions, but today did not work out so well...).
We talked about my concerns over weight gain and body acceptance, and she basically said that things are going to suck for the next while, bigtime in that area. She also said that the human body IS disgusting looking, that she doesn't like what she sees in her mirror either but does not care, so i might as well come to accept that i might never be happy with what i see, realise it's not that important, and focus on other, more important things. I found that discouraging. I don't want to despise my body forever.
She thinks this potential new job might be good for me and is encouraging me to take it if it comes through. (BLU, the job is doing gruntwork and writing at a magazine).
She talked about how much better the prognosis is for ppl who can reover on an OP basis vs. those who do the hospital thing--so she liked the idea of trying to do it on my own IF I CAN, and if not, then i will go through with the IOP plan in a few months.(thus meaning i would have to quit this job ---you see my dilemma and motivation for all of this...).
I have to admit, i wanted more of an enthusiastic response from her. I don't know how much faith she really has in me, that I can do this after so long.
I want to not care about weight. I want to not flip out around each and every meal. I want to go days without thinking of a scale or critically assessing myself in a mirror. I want to think about more interesting things than food and fat and calories.
We also talked about looking at this as an addiction: as in, I am addicted to the endorphin high that goes with puking and starving, and addicted to the IDEA of being thin. So when i start to freak over a meal/food/body crap, I am supposed to look at the situation, and stop it in its tracks by saying No to the addiction. Basically, making purging Not An Option in my head. Making starving Not an Option....
On another note, I went shopping and gave in and bought two (very cheap) clothing items that actually fit me ( a pair of pants and a skirt for a toal of $29), in case i DO get this job and have to dress appropriately and presentably...I have not bought new clothes in heaven knows how long...thus, nothing i own fits now. Except these two new items! So that is a :D thing, I guess.