(no subject)
I had my assessment for IP yesterday.
It was long and confusing..I am so so confused and conflicted.
the basic upshot:
He assigned me an ESSAY.
I am not kidding.
I apparently have bpd (was diagnosed last year at HW) and my understanding is that he thinks i am not addressing that enough,and he thinks if i don't address the bpd I will never recover or be normal or productive..... So he assigned me an essay on bpd, and told me to come back in 10 days when i had written it, and we would go from there....In 10 days I have another meeting with him.
He also commanded that I stop drinking at all, and that I take no more diet pills. He called these "good faith gestures."
The thing that is stuck in my head and is torturing me: he weighed me, then looked at the referall paper in front of me, to see how tall I am. On that paper it said I am 5'3.5"....but since that referal was written, i was measured, and I am actually 5'4".....so when he calculated my bmi, he was using the sjhorter height, thus getting it wrong, thus making me appear fatter than I am. THAT is what is stuck in my head: the fact that the bmi he calculated is off. It makes me think I therefor have no eating disorder, he thinks i am heavier than i am, he thinks I am just a bullshitter.
In fact, this is my key worry right now: he never actually SAID I should do the program(s). As I was leaving, he asked me if I wanted to do the IP program, or the day hospital, but that is all.
He focused on the bpd, and has the wrong bmi for me, and probably thinks I am just a fat loser faker. He probably thinks I am full of shit, otherwise wouldn't he have moved forward with getting me into one of these programs..?
I am awash in confusion. It was such an odd, odd day. I filled out a million questionnaires and forms, did bloodwork, talked to an intern for an hour, in addition to talking to him.
I feel like a fat fake. I feel like I don't have an ed. I am not sure I should be doing any program at all. I feel like he could see right through me, like the ed is not a real problem, like he thought I was not really ed'd.
I am too fat to have an ed.
It was long and confusing..I am so so confused and conflicted.
the basic upshot:
He assigned me an ESSAY.
I am not kidding.
I apparently have bpd (was diagnosed last year at HW) and my understanding is that he thinks i am not addressing that enough,and he thinks if i don't address the bpd I will never recover or be normal or productive..... So he assigned me an essay on bpd, and told me to come back in 10 days when i had written it, and we would go from there....In 10 days I have another meeting with him.
He also commanded that I stop drinking at all, and that I take no more diet pills. He called these "good faith gestures."
The thing that is stuck in my head and is torturing me: he weighed me, then looked at the referall paper in front of me, to see how tall I am. On that paper it said I am 5'3.5"....but since that referal was written, i was measured, and I am actually 5'4".....so when he calculated my bmi, he was using the sjhorter height, thus getting it wrong, thus making me appear fatter than I am. THAT is what is stuck in my head: the fact that the bmi he calculated is off. It makes me think I therefor have no eating disorder, he thinks i am heavier than i am, he thinks I am just a bullshitter.
In fact, this is my key worry right now: he never actually SAID I should do the program(s). As I was leaving, he asked me if I wanted to do the IP program, or the day hospital, but that is all.
He focused on the bpd, and has the wrong bmi for me, and probably thinks I am just a fat loser faker. He probably thinks I am full of shit, otherwise wouldn't he have moved forward with getting me into one of these programs..?
I am awash in confusion. It was such an odd, odd day. I filled out a million questionnaires and forms, did bloodwork, talked to an intern for an hour, in addition to talking to him.
I feel like a fat fake. I feel like I don't have an ed. I am not sure I should be doing any program at all. I feel like he could see right through me, like the ed is not a real problem, like he thought I was not really ed'd.
I am too fat to have an ed.