From the Archives
Continuing our look back at previously reviewed fics, we bring you
Today's Featured Stories:
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No Hands Were Severed In The Making Of This Conversation, by koshiroryuu Link goes to Teaspoon
Category: Crackfic in Sarah Jane Adventures
Characters: Luke Smith, the Doctor
Rating: All Ages/G
Details: Single-part, complete; SJA/Doctor Who crossover
Why It Rocks:
Who remembers the Star Wars trilogy? No, the original one, not the prequels from a few years ago. Remember the shock Star Wars Luke felt when Darth Vader announced he was his father?
Well, try this for size:
"Luke," intoned the Doctor, "I am your father."
Well, he’s not, really. He’s only pointing out that Luke needs a father-figure. After all, he doesn’t have much male influence in his life. Well, except for Clyde, but he obviously doesn’t count, according to the Doctor.
Luke, however, is distinctly unimpressed, both by the manner of the Doctor’s raising the subject (”You just want to quote Star Wars at me”) and the subject itself:
"But... you're not a father figure. You're hardly ever even here. And I'm pretty sure Mum wouldn't like it if I emulated you, she says I shouldn't blow things up if I can help it."
Luke’s not entirely sure he knows what a father-figure should be. He does, however, know what it should not be: a serial blower-up of things, who eats honey straight from the jar with his fingers and who wants to have sex with his mum. And, assuming he does need a father, Clyde would be a far better choice:
"Clyde knows way more about human behavior than you do," Luke said. "And he gives me honest answers. And he doesn't react negatively when I mention the word 'sex'."
Leaving aside the question of who is likely to be the more adult in this relationship, the thought of the Doctor acting as mentor for Luke as he learns to survive life in the twenty-first century is enough to make us fear for his sanity - and clearly others think so too:
“Martha says that all you'd do is help me develop a thing for blondes," Luke said.
Koshiroryuu’s head is clearly a scary place, because anyone who can give us the Doctor quoting Darth Vader while actually trying to imitate Obi-Wan Kenobi - and ending up being about as effective as C3P0 - is definitely very slightly insane. But only in a very, very good way! Go. Read. But keep all drinks well away from your keyboard. Winner in the Crackfic category, and well deserved.
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The Subwave Network does LiveJournal by ellisbelle
Category: Crackfic in Sarah Jane Adventures
Characters: Everyone you can think of: Luke Smith, Martha Jones, Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones, Maria Jackson, the Doctor
Rating: PG - but I’d add a drinks-nowhere-near-keyboard warning
Details: Single-part, consisting of several short LiveJournal entries and replies thereto
Why It Rocks:
Because if you’re not spluttering with laughter halfway through the first screen there’s something wrong with you.
In the Doctor Who episode The Stolen Earth we were introduced to the Subwave Network, which was handed over to Torchwood. Probably not such a good idea, that. At least, if we’re concerned about the preservation of the universe. Because now the defenders of the universe are spending their time blogging - on Luke Smith’s LiveJournal.
Breaking news from Luke: Sarah Jane and Maria are going out on a date. Clyde is practically eye-rolling. Jack wants details. The Doctor is the least subtle LiveJournal poster ever and has to be continually reminded to use a cut and to avoid spoilers:
Martha: It’s ever so much more exciting to read about my future from you on the internet than to experience it for myself.
The Doctor: I said SORRY! What do you all want me to do, go back in time and never post it? Wait, I can do that.
Clyde: You fail at the internet
Jack, taking us back to the main subject of the conversation: The BIG question: who tops?
I think my favourite part was Luke posting verbatim Maria’s confession of love for Sarah Jane, and counting the number of times Sarah touches Maria per hour when they’re together (four, by the way). Second-favourite part: Ianto’s intervention, and I have to give honourable mention to the anonymous UNIT source.
This story was runner-up in the Crackfic category, and richly deserves it. Ellisbelle painstakingly created images of LJ entries and replies to tell the ‘story’, and the use of LJ threads, netspeak and even LOLcats adds to the verisimilitude of the reading experience. If you make it to the end on your first read without tears of laughter rolling down your cheeks, I’ll be astounded.
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Luke Smith Has Two Mommies [One Is Evil And One Saves The World A Lot] by ladyvivien
Category: Classic Fic in Sarah Jane Adventures
Characters: Luke Smith, Sarah Jane Smith
Rating: PG13
Details: Single-part ficlet, 505 words, pure crack
Why It Rocks:
There comes a time in the life of every child of a single-parent household when the awkward question is asked: "Mum, am I from a single parent family?" The difference is that in most single-parent households the child is not genetically engineered by a madwoman trying to take over the world.
And that’s only one of Luke’s mothers. The other is a journalist, who happens to save the world on a regular basis but still tries to keep up with the culture of her profession. That’s award-winning stories in the Sunday Times magazine, according to the Doctor Who episode School Reunion. According to Ladyvivien, it’s the ability to get pissed at three o’clock in the afternoon; after all, no journalist worthy of the name is always sober.
Luke, however, is more interested in the fact that he has two mothers. On the other hand, Mrs Wormwood isn’t around any more and is probably a poor candidate for pursual by the Child Support Agency. As Sarah explains, Luke got the better part of the deal:
The important thing to remember is that Mrs Wormwood was evil and wanted to destroy the human race, whereas I try to save the world and...um...do other good things. Like buy the Big Issue. Mrs Wormwood wouldn't do that. Mrs Wormwood probably eats homeless people. And I bet she reads the Daily Mail and votes Conservative."
You see, most women get some warning when they’re going to become mothers. They’re pregnant for nine months. Or they’re waiting for years on an adoption-agency’s client list. They have time to prepare. The only warning Sarah Jane got was a glass of strange-tasting fizzy drink!
There are so many hilarious lines in this story that it’s almost impossible to single out just one. Lines like this one, for example: 'Mum, stop fighting aliens in public - you're like, totally shaming me. Can't you just eye up the builders like Maria's mum does?' And I simply have to give honourable mention for the special UNIT meetings for grown-ups - read the story and you’ll see exactly why that reference has so many people splitting their sides!
Ladyvivien’s affectionately-written satire will ring true for any parents of teenagers, as well as any reader who wonders how anyone as busy and danger-prone as Sarah Jane could possibly cope with becoming the instant parent of an apparently-14-year-old boy who is both newly born and also old beyond his years - even with Mr Smith and a sonic lipstick as secret weapons. Runner-up in the Classic Fic category, this story is the perfect antidote for fictional-character-envy.
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Job Requirements by lorannah
Category: Crackfic in Torchwood
Characters: Ianto Jones, Gwen Cooper, PC Andy
Rating: PG
Details: Single-part, ficlet, complete.
Why It Rocks:
You’re kidding, right? Any fic that manages to include ‘spooky-do’ studies, compulsory bisexuality as a condition of employment, and an alien-made coffee machine automatically rocks.
So, here’s the story: PC Andy wants a job at Torchwood. He’s getting nowhere with Gwen, so thinks that buying Ianto a coffee at a greasy spoon might be a more successful tactic. In the employment-counselling trade, we call this an information interview: you talk to someone who’s doing the job you want to do, and find out the entry requirements, the challenges and successes of the job and, with any luck, get yourself a foot in the door. Ianto’s certainly helpful enough on the first part, telling Andy all about the three-year course in Extra-Terrestrial Studies he’ll have to take at Swindon Community College. As long as he gets top marks, then he’ll be able to apply:
“What happens to the people who don’t?”
“We give them an amnesia pill; they never even remember they’ve been to Swindon.”
Undaunted, Andy continues with the interview, gathering additional information until even he realises that Ianto’s been having him on. “You were never going to let me in, were you?”
And even Retcon might not be able to erase Andy’s humiliation if he ever realised that Gwen was waiting outside for a full report on the meeting. As a bonus, Lorannah then gives us the inside scoop on Ianto’s hiring at Torchwood 1. It’s not quite as spectacular as stalking his would-be boss all over town and performing tricks with a pterodactyl, but definitely attention-grabbing nonetheless - and proves that coffee has always been one of Ianto’s specialities.
Again, too many wonderful lines to count, but this one had me in complete giggles, especially imagining Andy’s expression:
”Would you say you thought of yourself as bisexual?”
“What? No,” Andy told him, moving back slightly.
“Oh,” Ianto’s tone clearly suggested that this was a problem.
“Well we could work on that once you’ve got the job. I could help you work on that if you wanted,” Ianto spoke slowly and then smiled at him.
This story’s a must for any reader who has ever been bemused at Torchwood’s hiring practices, or wondered exactly what makes Ianto’s coffee so special. Rest assured, you’ll get answers to both questions, and a few more besides. Definitely deserving of its nomination, even if you can’t drink Ianto’s coffee while reading it.
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The Not So Unlikely Saga of Fitz Kreiner by Aces
Category: List-fic in Classic Who
Characters: Fitz Kreiner, Susan Foreman, Jack Harkness, Benny Summerfield, Hex Schofield, Donna Noble
Rating: PG
Details: Single-part fic made up of five individual ficlets: five companions that Fitz Kreiner nearly married.
Why It Rocks:
I’m not sure whether the most convincing reason is Fitz waking up in bed with Jack Harkness and getting his bum groped, or Donna, post-Runaway Bride, taking him to the Doctor to be introduced as her future husband. But I’m getting carried away.
Fitz Kreiner is, without doubt, one of the best-known non-television companions the Doctor has had, For those not familiar with him, he’s from 1960s England, a smoker, drinker and guitar-player, he’s a little bit sarcastic, and he travelled with the Eighth Doctor. (There is also a very complicated plot running through the novels, resulting in up to four versions of Fitz, but that’s irrelevant to this particular story).
The first of the five companions Fitz very nearly marries is a young woman called Susan, who hasn’t yet managed to introduce him to her grandfather. The second is the man Fitz discovers groping his bum in bed the morning after a very drunken night before on the planet New New New Las Vegas, and whose name Fitz just about manages to remember is Jack:
”Oh god.” Fitz brought his hand down from his head-which didn’t fall off, for which he supposed he should have been grateful, but right now he was too busy panicking-and looked at the ring on his finger. “Oh god.”
“That’s exactly what you said last night, only not in that tone of voice.”
Thankfully, Jack points out to Fitz that New New New Reno is the next planet over.
There are also hilarious interludes with Benny and Hex (also companions from the novels, and since Benny carries the distinction of being the only companion to have - impliedly, at any rate - canonically shagged the Doctor, this is one that might well result in Fitz having yet another irate Doctor at his heels). Don’t miss Donna setting Fitz up as potential husband number two, and insisting that the Doctor has to be his best man!
One favourite part was Benny and Fitz, being forcibly married at alien-gunpoint:
You sanctimonious mid-twentieth-century chauvinistic git, you’re even worse than my first husband!”
“I can’t help it if you have terrible taste in men!”
“Oh, well, at least we’re agreed on something! You know you’re terrible!”
These are all thoroughly and delightfully cracktastic, but of course you know that any one of them could easily happen to Fitz. Aces has a light, deft hand with characterisation and storytelling here, doing most of the work with dialogue alone. This fic definitely deserves its nomination, and even if you don’t know all the characters you’ll be grinning throughout.
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Once More, With Martians, by biichan Link goes to Teaspoon
Category: Classic Fic in Classic Who
Characters: First Doctor, Donna Noble
Rating: All Ages
Details: Single part ficlet, complete, 548 words
Why It Rocks:
It’s got Donna travelling with One - and having his Time Babies. Do you need another reason?
Ten has regenerated, and unfortunately Donna isn’t feeling the connection with his new body - which happens to be female.
This was what generally happened when a Time Lord committed suicide, the Doctor explained to her. The abrupt change in gender was meant to serve as a warning to stop being such silly buggers.
To make matters worse, the Doctor also fancies another go at being human, and Donna has heard all about how that went down in 1913 from Martha and she’s got no intention of getting caught up in anything similar. So it’s time for the parting of the ways. Not that even leaving the Doctor is straightforward: favours to do with taking care of the fob-watch mean that the bloody Martian catches up with her a short time later, looking far too attractive than a sixty-something woman has any right to. Though, Donna, have you seen Barbra Streisand or Diana Ross lately? Or, better still, Sarah Jane (Lis Sladen), who - unless I miss my guess - is who the Doctor has regenerated into.
While travelling, however, Donna then runs into a strange-looking man in old-fashioned outfit and an odd cap, who asks her if she’s ever been wandering in the fourth dimension. Cue a partnership made in... well, in a crackfic-writer’s idea of heaven, anyway. I keep imagine One addressing Donna in his very formal, professorial style, hands on his lapels, and Donna, hands on hips, accusing him of taking the piss!
Lots of brilliant lines, but this sticks in my mind; Donna realising who One is:
“Oh,” she said. “You’re a Martian too. I don’t have some sort of time-energy sticking to me, do I?”
One of the best things about reviewing for this comm is the wonderful variety of fic I get to read, and the pairings - crackish or otherwise - I stumble across that I never would have imagined. I completely missed this story when it was first posted, and that’s a real shame because I giggled the whole way through it. Even if you don’t know the first thing about the First Doctor, this is hilarious, and I think we should demand a sequel to find out how Donna feels about being a step-granny as well as a new mother and how her hair looks in monochrome.
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The Gwen Bashers by ghost2
Category: Crackfic in Classic Who
Characters: Ianto Jones, Owen Harper, Toshiko Sato, Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper and Rhys Williams (off-screen)
Rating: PG-13
Details: Single-part ficlet, complete, 835 words
Why It Rocks:
It mocks character-bashing. Need I say more? Well, I suppose I should.
This story is nominated in the crackfic category, but it is written with a far more serious purpose: to draw attention, in a satirical style, to a very nasty trend in some parts of fandom: fanfic written with the sole purpose of bashing a particular character. Whether that character is seen as an obstacle to a preferred OTP, or is believed to be presented as perfect when all the basher can see is flaws, for some reason there are a few people who enjoy writing and reading this kind of story.
One of the main targets of bash-fic is Gwen, and there is apparently actually a community on LJ set up for the sole purpose of Gwen-bashing. Ghost2 became aware of a Gwen-bashing fic contest, and wrote The Gwen Bashers as the ultimate parody of bash-fics, in mockery of the contest.
Jack’s walking into the Hub, minding his own business (for a change) when he hears laughter and chatter from the rest of his team - and sees a familiar-looking shape on the ground.
"She deserved it!" Ianto cried. "Rhys finally realized what a lying slut she was and he snapped her neck."
"No one can blame him," Tosh added. "We were all sorry Rhys fell for her tricks and married her in the first place. He deserves so much better than her."
It’s a completely over-the-top kill-Gwen fic, where the team uses the Risen Mitten to bring Gwen back to life and kill her over and over again. Rhys is completely absolved of all blame, and Owen explains:
I retconned him to make sure he wouldn't have his mind polluted with any memories of Gwen.”
"And I established a new identity and home for him in Brighton," Tosh said with a smile. "He'll be much happier now. No more Gwen in his life and no reason to ever think of her again!"
As with all the best parodies, it’s outrageous, with everyone acting and speaking ludicrously out of character. Take Tosh:
Tosh waved the knife; droplets of blood sprayed the vicinity. "Then I revived her and told her she was a nasty bitch and stabbed her to death."
As an aside, I have to give honourable mention The author’s note, deliberately typical of what’s seen rather too often around fandom: A/N: I wrote this story in ten minutes, bet you can't tell!
We need more parodies in fandom, and this fic definitely illustrates why they work. Jane Austen did it, after all, so it’s in the best of literary tradition!
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Perpetuity by donutsweeper
Category: Alternate Universe in Torchwood
Characters: Owen Harper, Gwen Cooper, Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness
Rating: PG
Details: single-part ficlet, complete, 994 words
Why It Rocks:
This story posits an alternative outcome to the S1 episode End of Days: what if Jack survived Abbadon, but was irrevocably changed? There are certainly worse things than Jack’s particular brand of immortality, and this is perhaps one of the worst:
“Maybe Abaddon didn’t kill him,” Ianto said, trying, yet failing to keep the sadness out of his voice, “but he destroyed Jack just the same. Look at him, he's helpless. Hopeless. He doesn’t even know how to eat anymore.”
The other four are doing their best to take care of Jack, talking to him even though he doesn’t answer, feeding him, dressing him, looking after all his most basic needs. But, despite Gwen’s attempts to keep everyone’s hopes up, nothing’s working. A month later and there’s been no improvement. Jack is still a shadow of his former self, barely able to do anything for himself, and the team can’t take responsibility for him any longer.
And, really, what if this had been how it had really turned out? On-screen, Jack’s immortality does seem to be defined and circumscribed occasionally by the whims of the writers. He can stand in a radiation-infused chamber that vaporised another man and not feel a thing. He can cling to the outside of the TARDIS through the Vortex and he just stays dead for three minutes. He lets the son of Abbadon suck up his life force over and over, and he’s dead for three days. If RTD is to be believed - and this is a whole other debate - he ends up as a head in a jar. Why not alive but barely functional? And what would that mean for a man who can’t die, ever?
That’s what makes this story so chilling. That would be a horrible fate for any of the Torchwood characters, but for Jack it’s indescribable because he is immortal. Does he know what’s going on? Is his brain still functional, trapped inside a body and consciousness that won’t react for him? Donutsweeper doesn’t tell us - doesn’t even hint - and perhaps it’s better that way. Kinder for us, at any rate.
For the rest of the Torchwood team, not so kind, because they are contemplating all this and more:
“We rose up against him. Mutinied and then murdered him. He was still recovering from that when he sacrificed himself to save the world from our stupidity. He was dead for three days, three days, as a result of that. Do you really think he’ll ever be back to his old self?
The biggest gut-punch was unquestionably this exchange:
“We’ll take good care of him,” the nurse said as she took the papers, “like he was one of our own, just as you have been doing.”
“Treat him better,” Owen said quietly as the cog door rolled shut, “Torchwood’s never been too good to their own.”
This is a fic that leaves me feeling uncomfortable, beyond a doubt, and with a lump in my throat. I don’t like seeing my favourite characters left damaged at the end of a story. But donutsweeper does it so well, with such a punch to the gut, that it’s memorable and it hurts. It’s definitely worthy of its nomination, even if I now have to go and find a happy Jack fic!
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Today's Reviews were all written by wendymr.
Today's Featured Stories:
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No Hands Were Severed In The Making Of This Conversation, by koshiroryuu Link goes to Teaspoon
Category: Crackfic in Sarah Jane Adventures
Characters: Luke Smith, the Doctor
Rating: All Ages/G
Details: Single-part, complete; SJA/Doctor Who crossover
Why It Rocks:
Who remembers the Star Wars trilogy? No, the original one, not the prequels from a few years ago. Remember the shock Star Wars Luke felt when Darth Vader announced he was his father?
Well, try this for size:
"Luke," intoned the Doctor, "I am your father."
Well, he’s not, really. He’s only pointing out that Luke needs a father-figure. After all, he doesn’t have much male influence in his life. Well, except for Clyde, but he obviously doesn’t count, according to the Doctor.
Luke, however, is distinctly unimpressed, both by the manner of the Doctor’s raising the subject (”You just want to quote Star Wars at me”) and the subject itself:
"But... you're not a father figure. You're hardly ever even here. And I'm pretty sure Mum wouldn't like it if I emulated you, she says I shouldn't blow things up if I can help it."
Luke’s not entirely sure he knows what a father-figure should be. He does, however, know what it should not be: a serial blower-up of things, who eats honey straight from the jar with his fingers and who wants to have sex with his mum. And, assuming he does need a father, Clyde would be a far better choice:
"Clyde knows way more about human behavior than you do," Luke said. "And he gives me honest answers. And he doesn't react negatively when I mention the word 'sex'."
Leaving aside the question of who is likely to be the more adult in this relationship, the thought of the Doctor acting as mentor for Luke as he learns to survive life in the twenty-first century is enough to make us fear for his sanity - and clearly others think so too:
“Martha says that all you'd do is help me develop a thing for blondes," Luke said.
Koshiroryuu’s head is clearly a scary place, because anyone who can give us the Doctor quoting Darth Vader while actually trying to imitate Obi-Wan Kenobi - and ending up being about as effective as C3P0 - is definitely very slightly insane. But only in a very, very good way! Go. Read. But keep all drinks well away from your keyboard. Winner in the Crackfic category, and well deserved.
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The Subwave Network does LiveJournal by ellisbelle
Category: Crackfic in Sarah Jane Adventures
Characters: Everyone you can think of: Luke Smith, Martha Jones, Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones, Maria Jackson, the Doctor
Rating: PG - but I’d add a drinks-nowhere-near-keyboard warning
Details: Single-part, consisting of several short LiveJournal entries and replies thereto
Why It Rocks:
Because if you’re not spluttering with laughter halfway through the first screen there’s something wrong with you.
In the Doctor Who episode The Stolen Earth we were introduced to the Subwave Network, which was handed over to Torchwood. Probably not such a good idea, that. At least, if we’re concerned about the preservation of the universe. Because now the defenders of the universe are spending their time blogging - on Luke Smith’s LiveJournal.
Breaking news from Luke: Sarah Jane and Maria are going out on a date. Clyde is practically eye-rolling. Jack wants details. The Doctor is the least subtle LiveJournal poster ever and has to be continually reminded to use a cut and to avoid spoilers:
Martha: It’s ever so much more exciting to read about my future from you on the internet than to experience it for myself.
The Doctor: I said SORRY! What do you all want me to do, go back in time and never post it? Wait, I can do that.
Clyde: You fail at the internet
Jack, taking us back to the main subject of the conversation: The BIG question: who tops?
I think my favourite part was Luke posting verbatim Maria’s confession of love for Sarah Jane, and counting the number of times Sarah touches Maria per hour when they’re together (four, by the way). Second-favourite part: Ianto’s intervention, and I have to give honourable mention to the anonymous UNIT source.
This story was runner-up in the Crackfic category, and richly deserves it. Ellisbelle painstakingly created images of LJ entries and replies to tell the ‘story’, and the use of LJ threads, netspeak and even LOLcats adds to the verisimilitude of the reading experience. If you make it to the end on your first read without tears of laughter rolling down your cheeks, I’ll be astounded.
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Luke Smith Has Two Mommies [One Is Evil And One Saves The World A Lot] by ladyvivien
Category: Classic Fic in Sarah Jane Adventures
Characters: Luke Smith, Sarah Jane Smith
Rating: PG13
Details: Single-part ficlet, 505 words, pure crack
Why It Rocks:
There comes a time in the life of every child of a single-parent household when the awkward question is asked: "Mum, am I from a single parent family?" The difference is that in most single-parent households the child is not genetically engineered by a madwoman trying to take over the world.
And that’s only one of Luke’s mothers. The other is a journalist, who happens to save the world on a regular basis but still tries to keep up with the culture of her profession. That’s award-winning stories in the Sunday Times magazine, according to the Doctor Who episode School Reunion. According to Ladyvivien, it’s the ability to get pissed at three o’clock in the afternoon; after all, no journalist worthy of the name is always sober.
Luke, however, is more interested in the fact that he has two mothers. On the other hand, Mrs Wormwood isn’t around any more and is probably a poor candidate for pursual by the Child Support Agency. As Sarah explains, Luke got the better part of the deal:
The important thing to remember is that Mrs Wormwood was evil and wanted to destroy the human race, whereas I try to save the world and...um...do other good things. Like buy the Big Issue. Mrs Wormwood wouldn't do that. Mrs Wormwood probably eats homeless people. And I bet she reads the Daily Mail and votes Conservative."
You see, most women get some warning when they’re going to become mothers. They’re pregnant for nine months. Or they’re waiting for years on an adoption-agency’s client list. They have time to prepare. The only warning Sarah Jane got was a glass of strange-tasting fizzy drink!
There are so many hilarious lines in this story that it’s almost impossible to single out just one. Lines like this one, for example: 'Mum, stop fighting aliens in public - you're like, totally shaming me. Can't you just eye up the builders like Maria's mum does?' And I simply have to give honourable mention for the special UNIT meetings for grown-ups - read the story and you’ll see exactly why that reference has so many people splitting their sides!
Ladyvivien’s affectionately-written satire will ring true for any parents of teenagers, as well as any reader who wonders how anyone as busy and danger-prone as Sarah Jane could possibly cope with becoming the instant parent of an apparently-14-year-old boy who is both newly born and also old beyond his years - even with Mr Smith and a sonic lipstick as secret weapons. Runner-up in the Classic Fic category, this story is the perfect antidote for fictional-character-envy.
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Job Requirements by lorannah
Category: Crackfic in Torchwood
Characters: Ianto Jones, Gwen Cooper, PC Andy
Rating: PG
Details: Single-part, ficlet, complete.
Why It Rocks:
You’re kidding, right? Any fic that manages to include ‘spooky-do’ studies, compulsory bisexuality as a condition of employment, and an alien-made coffee machine automatically rocks.
So, here’s the story: PC Andy wants a job at Torchwood. He’s getting nowhere with Gwen, so thinks that buying Ianto a coffee at a greasy spoon might be a more successful tactic. In the employment-counselling trade, we call this an information interview: you talk to someone who’s doing the job you want to do, and find out the entry requirements, the challenges and successes of the job and, with any luck, get yourself a foot in the door. Ianto’s certainly helpful enough on the first part, telling Andy all about the three-year course in Extra-Terrestrial Studies he’ll have to take at Swindon Community College. As long as he gets top marks, then he’ll be able to apply:
“What happens to the people who don’t?”
“We give them an amnesia pill; they never even remember they’ve been to Swindon.”
Undaunted, Andy continues with the interview, gathering additional information until even he realises that Ianto’s been having him on. “You were never going to let me in, were you?”
And even Retcon might not be able to erase Andy’s humiliation if he ever realised that Gwen was waiting outside for a full report on the meeting. As a bonus, Lorannah then gives us the inside scoop on Ianto’s hiring at Torchwood 1. It’s not quite as spectacular as stalking his would-be boss all over town and performing tricks with a pterodactyl, but definitely attention-grabbing nonetheless - and proves that coffee has always been one of Ianto’s specialities.
Again, too many wonderful lines to count, but this one had me in complete giggles, especially imagining Andy’s expression:
”Would you say you thought of yourself as bisexual?”
“What? No,” Andy told him, moving back slightly.
“Oh,” Ianto’s tone clearly suggested that this was a problem.
“Well we could work on that once you’ve got the job. I could help you work on that if you wanted,” Ianto spoke slowly and then smiled at him.
This story’s a must for any reader who has ever been bemused at Torchwood’s hiring practices, or wondered exactly what makes Ianto’s coffee so special. Rest assured, you’ll get answers to both questions, and a few more besides. Definitely deserving of its nomination, even if you can’t drink Ianto’s coffee while reading it.
*
The Not So Unlikely Saga of Fitz Kreiner by Aces
Category: List-fic in Classic Who
Characters: Fitz Kreiner, Susan Foreman, Jack Harkness, Benny Summerfield, Hex Schofield, Donna Noble
Rating: PG
Details: Single-part fic made up of five individual ficlets: five companions that Fitz Kreiner nearly married.
Why It Rocks:
I’m not sure whether the most convincing reason is Fitz waking up in bed with Jack Harkness and getting his bum groped, or Donna, post-Runaway Bride, taking him to the Doctor to be introduced as her future husband. But I’m getting carried away.
Fitz Kreiner is, without doubt, one of the best-known non-television companions the Doctor has had, For those not familiar with him, he’s from 1960s England, a smoker, drinker and guitar-player, he’s a little bit sarcastic, and he travelled with the Eighth Doctor. (There is also a very complicated plot running through the novels, resulting in up to four versions of Fitz, but that’s irrelevant to this particular story).
The first of the five companions Fitz very nearly marries is a young woman called Susan, who hasn’t yet managed to introduce him to her grandfather. The second is the man Fitz discovers groping his bum in bed the morning after a very drunken night before on the planet New New New Las Vegas, and whose name Fitz just about manages to remember is Jack:
”Oh god.” Fitz brought his hand down from his head-which didn’t fall off, for which he supposed he should have been grateful, but right now he was too busy panicking-and looked at the ring on his finger. “Oh god.”
“That’s exactly what you said last night, only not in that tone of voice.”
Thankfully, Jack points out to Fitz that New New New Reno is the next planet over.
There are also hilarious interludes with Benny and Hex (also companions from the novels, and since Benny carries the distinction of being the only companion to have - impliedly, at any rate - canonically shagged the Doctor, this is one that might well result in Fitz having yet another irate Doctor at his heels). Don’t miss Donna setting Fitz up as potential husband number two, and insisting that the Doctor has to be his best man!
One favourite part was Benny and Fitz, being forcibly married at alien-gunpoint:
You sanctimonious mid-twentieth-century chauvinistic git, you’re even worse than my first husband!”
“I can’t help it if you have terrible taste in men!”
“Oh, well, at least we’re agreed on something! You know you’re terrible!”
These are all thoroughly and delightfully cracktastic, but of course you know that any one of them could easily happen to Fitz. Aces has a light, deft hand with characterisation and storytelling here, doing most of the work with dialogue alone. This fic definitely deserves its nomination, and even if you don’t know all the characters you’ll be grinning throughout.
*
Once More, With Martians, by biichan Link goes to Teaspoon
Category: Classic Fic in Classic Who
Characters: First Doctor, Donna Noble
Rating: All Ages
Details: Single part ficlet, complete, 548 words
Why It Rocks:
It’s got Donna travelling with One - and having his Time Babies. Do you need another reason?
Ten has regenerated, and unfortunately Donna isn’t feeling the connection with his new body - which happens to be female.
This was what generally happened when a Time Lord committed suicide, the Doctor explained to her. The abrupt change in gender was meant to serve as a warning to stop being such silly buggers.
To make matters worse, the Doctor also fancies another go at being human, and Donna has heard all about how that went down in 1913 from Martha and she’s got no intention of getting caught up in anything similar. So it’s time for the parting of the ways. Not that even leaving the Doctor is straightforward: favours to do with taking care of the fob-watch mean that the bloody Martian catches up with her a short time later, looking far too attractive than a sixty-something woman has any right to. Though, Donna, have you seen Barbra Streisand or Diana Ross lately? Or, better still, Sarah Jane (Lis Sladen), who - unless I miss my guess - is who the Doctor has regenerated into.
While travelling, however, Donna then runs into a strange-looking man in old-fashioned outfit and an odd cap, who asks her if she’s ever been wandering in the fourth dimension. Cue a partnership made in... well, in a crackfic-writer’s idea of heaven, anyway. I keep imagine One addressing Donna in his very formal, professorial style, hands on his lapels, and Donna, hands on hips, accusing him of taking the piss!
Lots of brilliant lines, but this sticks in my mind; Donna realising who One is:
“Oh,” she said. “You’re a Martian too. I don’t have some sort of time-energy sticking to me, do I?”
One of the best things about reviewing for this comm is the wonderful variety of fic I get to read, and the pairings - crackish or otherwise - I stumble across that I never would have imagined. I completely missed this story when it was first posted, and that’s a real shame because I giggled the whole way through it. Even if you don’t know the first thing about the First Doctor, this is hilarious, and I think we should demand a sequel to find out how Donna feels about being a step-granny as well as a new mother and how her hair looks in monochrome.
*
The Gwen Bashers by ghost2
Category: Crackfic in Classic Who
Characters: Ianto Jones, Owen Harper, Toshiko Sato, Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper and Rhys Williams (off-screen)
Rating: PG-13
Details: Single-part ficlet, complete, 835 words
Why It Rocks:
It mocks character-bashing. Need I say more? Well, I suppose I should.
This story is nominated in the crackfic category, but it is written with a far more serious purpose: to draw attention, in a satirical style, to a very nasty trend in some parts of fandom: fanfic written with the sole purpose of bashing a particular character. Whether that character is seen as an obstacle to a preferred OTP, or is believed to be presented as perfect when all the basher can see is flaws, for some reason there are a few people who enjoy writing and reading this kind of story.
One of the main targets of bash-fic is Gwen, and there is apparently actually a community on LJ set up for the sole purpose of Gwen-bashing. Ghost2 became aware of a Gwen-bashing fic contest, and wrote The Gwen Bashers as the ultimate parody of bash-fics, in mockery of the contest.
Jack’s walking into the Hub, minding his own business (for a change) when he hears laughter and chatter from the rest of his team - and sees a familiar-looking shape on the ground.
"She deserved it!" Ianto cried. "Rhys finally realized what a lying slut she was and he snapped her neck."
"No one can blame him," Tosh added. "We were all sorry Rhys fell for her tricks and married her in the first place. He deserves so much better than her."
It’s a completely over-the-top kill-Gwen fic, where the team uses the Risen Mitten to bring Gwen back to life and kill her over and over again. Rhys is completely absolved of all blame, and Owen explains:
I retconned him to make sure he wouldn't have his mind polluted with any memories of Gwen.”
"And I established a new identity and home for him in Brighton," Tosh said with a smile. "He'll be much happier now. No more Gwen in his life and no reason to ever think of her again!"
As with all the best parodies, it’s outrageous, with everyone acting and speaking ludicrously out of character. Take Tosh:
Tosh waved the knife; droplets of blood sprayed the vicinity. "Then I revived her and told her she was a nasty bitch and stabbed her to death."
As an aside, I have to give honourable mention The author’s note, deliberately typical of what’s seen rather too often around fandom: A/N: I wrote this story in ten minutes, bet you can't tell!
We need more parodies in fandom, and this fic definitely illustrates why they work. Jane Austen did it, after all, so it’s in the best of literary tradition!
*
Perpetuity by donutsweeper
Category: Alternate Universe in Torchwood
Characters: Owen Harper, Gwen Cooper, Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness
Rating: PG
Details: single-part ficlet, complete, 994 words
Why It Rocks:
This story posits an alternative outcome to the S1 episode End of Days: what if Jack survived Abbadon, but was irrevocably changed? There are certainly worse things than Jack’s particular brand of immortality, and this is perhaps one of the worst:
“Maybe Abaddon didn’t kill him,” Ianto said, trying, yet failing to keep the sadness out of his voice, “but he destroyed Jack just the same. Look at him, he's helpless. Hopeless. He doesn’t even know how to eat anymore.”
The other four are doing their best to take care of Jack, talking to him even though he doesn’t answer, feeding him, dressing him, looking after all his most basic needs. But, despite Gwen’s attempts to keep everyone’s hopes up, nothing’s working. A month later and there’s been no improvement. Jack is still a shadow of his former self, barely able to do anything for himself, and the team can’t take responsibility for him any longer.
And, really, what if this had been how it had really turned out? On-screen, Jack’s immortality does seem to be defined and circumscribed occasionally by the whims of the writers. He can stand in a radiation-infused chamber that vaporised another man and not feel a thing. He can cling to the outside of the TARDIS through the Vortex and he just stays dead for three minutes. He lets the son of Abbadon suck up his life force over and over, and he’s dead for three days. If RTD is to be believed - and this is a whole other debate - he ends up as a head in a jar. Why not alive but barely functional? And what would that mean for a man who can’t die, ever?
That’s what makes this story so chilling. That would be a horrible fate for any of the Torchwood characters, but for Jack it’s indescribable because he is immortal. Does he know what’s going on? Is his brain still functional, trapped inside a body and consciousness that won’t react for him? Donutsweeper doesn’t tell us - doesn’t even hint - and perhaps it’s better that way. Kinder for us, at any rate.
For the rest of the Torchwood team, not so kind, because they are contemplating all this and more:
“We rose up against him. Mutinied and then murdered him. He was still recovering from that when he sacrificed himself to save the world from our stupidity. He was dead for three days, three days, as a result of that. Do you really think he’ll ever be back to his old self?
The biggest gut-punch was unquestionably this exchange:
“We’ll take good care of him,” the nurse said as she took the papers, “like he was one of our own, just as you have been doing.”
“Treat him better,” Owen said quietly as the cog door rolled shut, “Torchwood’s never been too good to their own.”
This is a fic that leaves me feeling uncomfortable, beyond a doubt, and with a lump in my throat. I don’t like seeing my favourite characters left damaged at the end of a story. But donutsweeper does it so well, with such a punch to the gut, that it’s memorable and it hurts. It’s definitely worthy of its nomination, even if I now have to go and find a happy Jack fic!
*
Today's Reviews were all written by wendymr.