Suspended Harmonies, Part One

[costsofregret]

My soul is dark - Oh! quickly string
The harp I yet can brook to hear;
And let thy gentle fingers fling
Its melting murmurs o'er mine ear.
If in this heart a hope be dear,
That sound shall charm it forth again:
If in these eyes there lurk a tear…
- Lord Byron, “My Soul is Dark”

'Twill flow, and cease to burn my brain. “In the eighteenth century, one of the most important literary genres was the letter, or what we call the epistolary tradition.” Professor Morgan started drawing a table chart on the board.

Jared was taking notes, or at least it looked like he was taking notes. He glanced down at his doodling and smiled. It was a sketch of an engine he had been considering building for his mechanical engineering seminar.

“Nice sketch.”

Jared shot up in his chair and glanced up at Morgan’s teaching assistant, Jensen Ackles. The guy was beautiful, with thick blondish-brown hair, startling green eyes, and a smile that hovered somewhere between sarcastic and sincere. Ackles was the only redeeming aspect of this course for Jared. He had been all set to finish his engineering degree this semester with a reduced course load so he could focus on his seminar and internship. But during his final advising session, his faculty advisor had discovered Jared had been missing one general education course. He couldn’t complete his degree without it. He had tried to argue with the registrar and had even enlisted the help of the Dean of Engineering, but to no avail. It’d been so late in the term, that Professor Morgan’s course had been the only one open. Who really cared about eighteenth century British Literature? Jared looked around at the sparsely populated class and realized…not many.

“Yeah, sorry.” Jared coughed quietly and turned the page. Ackles shrugged and shifted in his chair, listening to Morgan as he droned on about letters and some chick named Clarissa.

“So this novel was scandalous and one of the most popular stories of the 1700s,” Morgan noted as he took out a large book and laid it on the podium. The students all had equal expressions of dread and fear.

“And you all will be reading it this semester. The unabridged version.” Morgan took out an even larger book and set it next to the other one. The book dwarfed its companion by at least a thousand pages.

“No fucking way,” Jared muttered as he imagined the hours of his life dwindling into nothingness. The fat book leered back at him.

“Yes fucking way.” Jensen smiled at him and Jared noted the almost sadistic joy on the TA’s face.

“And just so you know…” Morgan pointed toward Jensen. “My TA, Mr. Ackles, knows this book backwards and forwards. If you Cliff note it, he will know. And believe me, he’s not as kind as I am when it comes to grading your papers. One of the joys of graduate study, is making undergraduates suffer.”

Jensen nodded but remained silent as Morgan moved on. Jared just stared at the book, picturing it as his nemesis in the semester battle for free time. He shot a look over at Jensen, who must’ve felt the stare. He turned his head slightly and stared at Jared. He wore an innocent expression, but Jared knew that was a ruse. Jensen was about to become the embodiment of his nemesis. Jared shifted as he realized he was getting turned on.

When the class came to an end, Morgan reminded everyone that Clarissa was available at the bookstore. Jared watched as Jensen helped Morgan collect his things and assist with a few students loitering at the front of the room.

“You’re so transparent.” Jared looked over at Genevieve-or Gen as she liked to be called-an English undergrad who had introduced herself at the beginning of class by winking at him and telling she was going to get to know him better.

Jared stared down at his hands. “No, I’m pretty sure that you can’t see through me. Skin gets in the way, and all.”

Gen rolled her eyes and gathered her things into her backpack. “Hey,” she said, looking at him, “You wanna grab some lunch?”

She held up her hand. “And before you get the wrong idea. I know you’re as gay as a Judy Garland figurine, so I won’t get my heart broken.”

Jared laughed and nodded. “Well then, sure. I need to know I won’t break hearts before I break bread.”

“Oh god, stop.” Gen motioned toward the door. “I’ll meet you out in the hall. Give you a few more minutes to ogle pretty boy over there.”

“Shut up,” he snapped and looked up to make sure Jensen was out of earshot.

Jared leaned down to stuff the folder with his notes-which were really badly drawn stick figures killing books-into his tattered bag. He stared at the syllabus in his folder and muttered, “Stupid eighteenth century with your stupid faces and big ass books that no one reads except lonely old ladies with cats.”

“I read them.”

Jared jumped and his folder fell, scattering his papers onto the floor. His head snapped up, and his gaze met Jensen’s. The TA was standing, rather looming, over Jared’s seat. Even though he was a tall man, Jared felt small compared to the equally tall but exceptionally more handsome Jensen. “And I like cats, too.” Jensen smirked as he bent down to pick up the folder and papers.

“But you’re hardly a lonely old lady,” Jared rebutted, taking the folder from Jensen and stuffing the loose papers inside.

“You don’t know what I’m like inside. I could knit booties for my kittens.” Jensen stood back and folded his arms across his chest. Jared chuckled at the image of this jock like guy knitting clothes for small animals.

Jensen stood aside as Jared moved to leave. He stopped and turned to the TA. “Hey, I’m meeting Gen for lunch…you wanna join us?” Jared cringed at the hopeful note in his own voice. It was kind of pathetic, this instant crush, but maybe Jensen wouldn’t notice.

Shaking his head, Jensen declined politely, “Probably not a good idea. My being your TA and everything.”

And everything...Jared could see that happening. But he just nodded and left, glancing back one more time to see Jensen turn to speak to another student.

*****
“Welcome to your engineering seminar!”

The small group stared at the man standing in front of the class. He was dressed in a long skirt, flowing blouse, and had a cowboy hat on.

“I’m Misha,” he announced, but then shook his head. “Crap, I’m ‘Professor Collins.’” He used his fingers to make quotation marks. “You better damn well call me that when the Dean pops in here. Otherwise, I’m Misha. And I’m here to prove to you that you aren’t engineers.”

“Professor Collins?” Joe-the slight guy in the back of the room-raised his hand.

“Yes?” Misha asked without looking up. He was pulling stacks of papers out of his oversized handbag and passing them to the front row. The class was in a large workshop space with long tables and stools. It was a room meant to build in.

“Why are you wearing a skirt?” Jared asked the question abruptly, feeling almost hypnotized by the sparkly poodle on the lower left side of the skirt.

“Bluntness! I like it!” Misha handed the syllabus to Jared. “I’m wearing it because I like skirts. They are freeing, and I like poodle skirts because they make me feel like I’m always getting ready for a sock hop. And what better thing in the world to be, but to be getting ready to go to a sock hop?”

“Okay?” Jared didn’t know how to respond.

He looked down at the one page syllabus that had Misha’s contact information Misha Collins, Professor. Office hours: Catch me if you can, the course description This course is required for all Mechanical Engineering majors. You will not be building a car. Do that on your own time. Textbooks. No books are required...yet, and the assignments? You will have two assignments-build something that works and build something that works.

Jared’s experience with other professors had not prepared him for Collins. They were rigid in their requirements, with tests that made the bravest soul cold with fear. But if he was honest with himself, Jared would admit that he felt safer with them then he felt right then.

After handing out the syllabus, Misha stood back and considered the class. “So many white men. I feel like we’re in early twentieth century Europe.”

Jared looked around. Out of the ten students, only one was a female and she also happened to be white. Everyone else was young, white, and male. He had never really noticed that before. This was his cohort.

“Well anyway, the first day is generally this. You have to complete this seminar and earn a passing grade in order to graduate. I already don’t like the looks of most of you and so that’s a strike against you. Read the syllabus. Ask your questions, and then get out of here.”

Everyone was silent. The long pause was finally interrupted by Misha. “Well then…since you’re all idiots, let’s just call it a day. When you come back next class, have plans to build something that is designed to fail. Preferably, not yourselves.”

With that he picked up the remaining syllabi and left the room, his long poodle skirt billowing out as he exited.

Donnie-who was wearing a NASCAR cap and smelled of motor oil-looked at Jared and muttered, “We’re screwed.”

Jared couldn’t help but agree.

*******

“Ready?” Gen asked as he opened the door. She was standing outside his and Chad’s apartment. Chad was his best friend from freshmen year, when they had been housed in the same dorm room. At first Jared had been skeptical of the blond womanizer, but he had grown on Jared over time. During the summer before junior year they’d decided to rent an apartment together. It worked, except for the times when the thin-walled bedrooms let him hear all of Chad’s sexual activities. Which according to the sounds being made by both him and the girls, were downright kinky at times.

Jared grabbed his keys and nodded. “Yeah, let’s do this.”

Gen had convinced him to go to the campus LGBTQ get together with her. She had this idea that she was now his designated matchmaker, and her mission was to hook him up. He kept telling her that his life was too busy for someone right now. Over the last few weeks the work in Collins’s seminar had stacked up alongside the work in Morgan’s class. Which was made worse by one TA, who graded essays as if they were the last bastion between civilized society and chaos. Before shutting the door, his eyes settled on the latest paper he had written and the large “D” at its top. He was beginning to think Ackles was the devil.

They walked toward the campus media center where the party was located. As they drew closer he expected to hear the tell-tale sounds of techno music blaring, but instead he heard the unmistakable sounds of some rock-country blend.

“Is this the right place?” He asked Gen as they walked through the double doors.

“Gen!” A petite redhead yelled out. Jared turned, thinking she was calling out to them. Instead, he saw her flying towards the one person he had hoped to avoid until class next week-Jensen Ackles. Jensen caught the redhead in his arms and twirled her before setting her down with a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

Gen laughed. “Oh your boyfriend-slash-nemesis is here. Know what that means, right?” She wiggled her eyebrows for effect.

“It means I have a reason to leave early,” Jared responded. He saw the makeshift bar that had been set up on the other side of the room and made a beeline for it.

He was just ordering a beer when a voice interrupted, “Shouldn’t you be revising a paper or something?”
Jared rolled his eyes and turned to Jensen. “Or something.”

“He should be working on his seminar piece actually.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Jared muttered as he turned to Misha. Misha, who was dressed in a hot pink blazer and bright blue pants. “Seriously, the outfits are going to blind someone one day. So you know each other?” He gestured between the two men.

Before either could respond, the redhead from before grabbed Jensen’s arm.

“Sorry to crash the testosterone fest, but I need Jen for a few. I’m Danneel, by the way.” She stuck her hand out and Jared took it. His large palm engulfed hers.

“Jared.”

“Oh really? Jared?” Danneel looked at Jensen with a knowing look.

“Yeah, I’m the dumbass engineering student who’s taking eighteenth century masochism,” he replied.

Jensen looked like he was about to say something, but Danneel laughed and then pulled him away.

“Oh, no. Don’t man.” Jared turned to Misha, who was shaking his head. “Don’t be that guy.”

“What guy?”

“You know, that guy who hides his pining behind fake antagonism. That’s way too eighties John Hughes or two-thousands Katherine Heigl. Don’t be Katherine Heigl, Jared.” Misha reached out and thumped him on the shoulder.

Jared ignored him as his gaze followed Jensen across the room. Logic told him that since Jensen was here, he was probably here for a reason. And since it was an LGBTQ event, Jared felt his hope flare to life. Over the last few weeks, he had convinced himself that Jensen was straight. He had tried flirting with the TA, but every time he thought he was about to get a reaction, Jensen would shut down. Jared knew that Jensen wanted to smile at him, wanted to laugh at his jokes, and even accept the coffee invitations that had now become almost extinct.

He spent a lot of time in Jensen’s makeshift office space-a small cubicle that sat adjacent to Professor Morgan’s large office. When he’d gotten an “F” on his first essay, he had thought it was Jensen’s way of seducing him. Jared imagined that once he showed up all flustered and angry, Jensen would throw him down on the beat up metal desk and have his way with Jared.

He’d been wrong. He’d been so achingly wrong.

After listening to Jensen spend forty-five minutes detailing how bad his essay really was, he had left the TA’s space feeling like a failure. The next two essays, though marginally better, were still below passing. Now Jared was at the point of hating Jensen and fearing that he would never graduate because he couldn’t fucking understand Samuel Richardson. Who the fuck cares about Samuel Richardson?

In his internal rage, he’d almost forgotten Misha was standing next to him. He looked over at the amused expression on the other man’s face and muttered, “I’m not Katherine Heigl.”

Jared left it at that and walked away. Misha called out to him, but Jared took his drink and made his way to the other side of the room-far away from Collins and Ackles. He spent the next few hours getting increasingly drunk. He stood in the corner and watched the room, decidedly ignoring his teaching assistant/nemesis/crush. As his drinks came and went, his inhibitions faded away. He kept catching the eyes of various guys, holding it for a second before glancing away. He had now narrowed it down to two men. Near his table, hovering close, there was a good looking guy who called himself Matt, with lean muscles and a willingness to get Jared more and more drinks. Over by the door, the more conservative looking dude who was as tall as him smiled and Jared remembered his name was Tom. Tom had brought him one drink and a promise, one that was whispered in his ear and made him blush at its graphicness.

*****

When Gen finally disentangled herself from a rather persistent suitor, she found Jared lounging against the wall with a rather extravagant cocktail in his hand. Some guy-who looked way too happy around an impaired Jared-smiled back at her as she nodded toward the drink. “What’s that?”

“Red Hot,” the guy replied and turned to Jared. Gen got the entendre and rolled her eyes.

“Matt.” He put out his hand, and Gen stared at it before grabbing Jared’s upper arm and pulling him. He was too drunk and too frigging big to budge, but she tried anyway.

“Hey, Jared. Let’s head home, okay?” But he wasn’t looking at her. Instead his gaze was fixed on something, or rather someone, across the room. She didn’t have to turn to see it was Ackles. She wouldn’t be surprised either if the other guy was staring back. It was like a bad teen movie or rom-com between the two of them.

She pulled at him again and glared at Matt. “Come on, Jared.”

He followed her reluctantly. As they were passing Jensen and his small group of friends, Jared snarked, “Screw Richardson.”

Jensen glanced up and retorted, “Learn how to use a comma.”

Jared was about to say something when Gen pushed him away. “Let’s go.”

They made their way back to Jared’s apartment in silence. They were a block away when Jared stopped. “I hate him,” he announced. “I really, really hate him.”

“No, you don’t,” she soothed. “You just want him to think of you beyond your commas.”

“I don’t get commas, Gen. I mean what do they do?”

She almost laughed at his forlorn expression. Instead, she guided him to the bed and left him there, shirt tail untucked and all. He’d figure it out in the morning and then cry to her over how badly he felt-both physically and psychologically.

She giggled as she wrote a quick note and stuck it on his forehead.

***********

The first thing he tasted was ass…or something approximate to it. He shook his head and reached up to swat at the bug on his forehead. His hand came away with a sticky note that said, “You’re so gonna regret your behavior.”

The previous night’s events came back to him, and he groaned. He remembered getting more and more irritated with Jensen as he had seen the other man surrounded by girls and guys; they all seemed to adore him, while Jared sat in the corner and drank until every guy who came by was a potential fuck buddy. There was a guy, Matt, who’d hung around for most of the night. He was a drama major, which was no surprise given his bad acting. He’d tried to convince Jared that he was a local celebrity, and Jared guessed in some bathrooms he was.

“Yo, Jay. Wake the hell up!” Chad yelled as he pounded on the door.

Jared winced and shouted back. “Stuff it up your ass, Chad!”

“Not my thing, Jaybird. I like stuffing.”

“You’re a disgusting pig,” Jared muttered as he crawled out of bed. He opened the door, and his roommate took one look at him and raised his hands.

“Dude, sorry. You look like you were rode hard, put up wet, and then rode hard again. What the hell happened?”

“Commas,” Jared responded and headed straight for the bathroom.

He stood under the shower spray for a long time, trying to erase the image of Jensen smiling at Misha, Danneel, and every other living being at the party except him. Each time Jensen had caught Jared looking, and granted it happened more often as the night passed and the drinks grew in number, Jensen would just have a blank look on his face.

“Whatever.” Jared scrubbed his hair and after a few minutes jumped out of the shower. He was late for work, and there was still the damn mechanical engineering project he had to finish for Monday afternoon. It was a good reason to skip Morgan’s class though. He had enough absences left that it wouldn’t hurt. He dressed quickly, grabbing the jeans and t-shirt he usually wore at the shop. He pulled them on and rushed through the apartment.

He rushed by Chad who reminded him to pick up beer on the way home. Apparently, it was his turn.
Jared walked into the garage and nodded to his boss, Amanda. She owned the place and was also the lead mechanic on the cars. She was pretty badass and had a really hot body. If he were into girls, he’d have been all over that like half the guys there. But she was taken. Apparently, she had some massively epic affair with a local professor who she wouldn’t name. He was guessing Misha, because that’s how fucked up his life was. But she wouldn’t talk about him and no one around had seen him. Perhaps, she was a crazy stalker, and even the professor didn’t know he was dating her.

“Padalecki, grab that Camry over there and check its ignition switch. I think it may be dead.” Amanda nodded toward the lot. Jared saw the lone car sitting there, with so many dents and bruises that it appeared to be part rust and part tornado victim.

“Dear god, who or what did you piss off?” He asked the car. He popped the hood and began checking the components.

“You’re the mechanic?” Jared’s head slammed into the underside of the hood, and he cursed. He looked up and there was Jensen. Tall and beautiful and tanned Jensen.

“This is your car?” Jared rubbed his head and cursed again when his hand came away bloody. “Dammit.”

“Oh shit.” Jensen stepped forward and reached for Jared’s skull. Not thinking, Jared stepped back and caught his foot on a tire iron lying next to the car. He flailed his arms as he felt the ground rush up to meet his back. He fell with a thud onto the dusty concrete, luckily not hitting his head… again. The mixture of leftover hangover, head injury, and Ackles humiliation made him want to just lay there and let his eyes close until the day ended.

“Hey, Jared. You okay?” Jensen was crouched , grabbing at his face, and smacking his cheek gently, which only made the pain in his head worsen.

“What the hell, man?” Jared knocked his hand away and made to sit up. With the way that Jensen was hovering over him, the sudden movement brought Jensen down on top of him. His knee firmly wedged against Jared’s crotch, which was starting to become alert to the fact that Jensen Ackles was practically humping his leg.

“I’m sorry, world, universe, god, or whatever. I am sorry for the crime I committed in some former life. I didn’t mean to kick the puppy,” Jared whispered. He glanced up, and Jensen was smiling down at him and chuckling with amusement. Annoyed, Jared shoved him. “Get off me.”

Jensen moved back and then stood up. He offered his hand to Jared, who pushed it away. “I got it,” he said petulantly. He wiped his hands down his jeans, hoping the movement would calm his very alert cock. “So this piece of…I mean this car is yours?”

“Yeah, I’ve had it for a few years. It was my brother’s.”

“So what seems to be the problem?” Jared couldn’t deny that a part of him loved that he was the expert now. Screw your eighteenth century epistolary novel, Ackles. How’s Samuel Richardson going to help you fix your stupid car? Richardson going to wax poetic to it and make it move again? Ha, thought not. Of course, Jared said nothing like out loud this because first, Ackles still was his grader and second, well Ackles was his grader.

Jensen explained that he had tried starting it up, but it would just make a clicking sound and wouldn’t turn over.

Jared nodded. “I think you have a starter issue.”

“At least it’s not a finishing issue,” Jensen responded.

Jared looked at him in shock. “What?”

Jensen bent his head, “Sorry, force of habit. You know, play on words and all.”

“Okay, well. Whatever.” Jared was irritated. He didn’t want Jensen mocking him, and that’s what it felt like. The TA had made it clear that they were simply student and grader, so his attempts at humor were weird and awkward and Jared didn’t like it.

“The good news is that it’s a pretty easy fix. The bad news is that I have to order the part, and it probably won’t be here until tomorrow. And since that’s Friday, I can’t get to it until Tuesday at the earliest.” Jared grabbed the keys and got in, just to check his theory. He turned the key, and there was the telltale click of a failed starter. “Yeah, it’s your starter. “

Jensen pointed at Jared’s head, “You should really get that taken care of.”

Jared had forgotten about the injury, but as soon as Jensen mentioned it, he reached up and felt the sticky proof of blood. He stumbled out of the car and suddenly felt the dizziness over take him. “Crap.”

“Hey, hey, why don’t you sit down, okay?” Jensen grabbed his arm and pulled him toward the garage. Amanda looked up when they approached, and her eyes widened when she saw the blood streaming down Jared’s temple. “Christ on a cracker, Jared. What the hell did you do?”

“I’m okay.” he swatted at their hands.

Amanda took the first aid kit out of the sliding toolbox. “Stupid kid, look at you.”

“I’m not stupid.” He winced as she dabbed peroxide the injury. He knew it wasn’t bad- just a flesh wound. The dizziness was probably more sleep deprivation, his remaining hangover, stress, and a man named Ackles.

“You need to go home.” Jensen rubbed absently at Jared’s palm and Jared shook him away.

“I’m fine, I said.” Jared stood up, but another wave of dizziness hit him. “Dammit.” He sat back down. Both Amanda and Jensen stared down at him until finally he said, “Fine, I’ll go home. But first you have to order a starter for that piece of crap car out there so I can fix it on Tuesday.”

Jared wasn’t trying to be nice. But he was even more irritated when Jensen, instead of being offended, just laughed.

“I don’t trust a man who doesn’t defend his car,” Jared accused.

“I don’t trust a man who thinks cars need defending,” Jensen replied. “You do realize they are inanimate objects?”

“Hush your mouth!” Amanda slapped Jensen on the arm. “Don’t go saying shit like that here. The cars may hear you.”

“Oh, dear god,” Jensen sighed. “Well anyway, I think you need to get home, Jared. And since I’m without a ride, and you probably shouldn’t drive, let’s make a deal? I’ll drive you home in your car and then walk from there.”

“How do you know where I live? I could be miles away from where you live. On the other side of town even.”

“Um…well you live close to campus right? I mean you always come in wet, like you ran straight from the shower so I assumed.” Jensen let the words hang, and Jared realized that Jensen has been noticing him. Noticing when he was wet. Huh.

“So you noticed that?” Jared wanted to poke at him now.

But the TA straightened up, and Jared saw his wall of professionalism slam down. “It’s the most effective solution. You live close to campus. I have no car. I need a ride. I can walk.”

Amanda laughed. “You two need a room, like now.”

“No, that’s not what this is,” Jensen denied, but Jared winked at his boss.

“Yeah well, Jensen here has problems with my structure.”

Jensen rolled his eyes, getting the dig at his comments on Jared’s papers. After a few moments Jensen nodded toward the parking lot. “Are we going?”

Jared followed Jensen to his car. He hesitated a moment before handing over the keys. He normally didn’t let others drive her. She was a sweet 1967 Impala that he had rebuilt from shell and bones. He had spent the whole summer between his junior and senior year of high school on her, and he was protective. But something about Jensen told him the other man would be careful. He seemed almost too considerate at times. He had noticed it in class, with the students who were struggling. Jensen would sit with them and reassure them as he walked them through their arguments. He felt jealous because Jensen always seemed to be disappointed when he showed up with his essays.

Jensen started up the car and smiled. “Nice purr.”

“Yeah, that’s a eight cylinder purr right there. Good ol’ American might and steel.”

“Where’d you get her?” Jensen asked as he pulled out of the drive. He headed toward campus. It was a fifteen minute ride, so Jared laid his head back and shrugged.

“Built her when I was 17.”

“You built this?”

“Her,” Jared snapped back.

“Sorry. Her.” Jensen chuckled, and Jared wanted to reach out and thwack him on the shoulder. He didn’t know why all of a sudden he was amusing to Ackles.

They rode the rest of the way in silence. When they neared his street, Jared began to point but Jensen had already turned on the turn signal.

“Seriously, how do you know…”

“Your address is on your records. I have an eidetic memory.” Jensen interrupted. He pulled up in front of the apartment, and Jared saw Chad’s car parked out front. They sat there for a few awkward moments before both began…

“Wanna come up?”

“I should get going…”

Jared huffed and looked out the window. “Yeah, sure, forgot. No fraternizing with students.”

“Jared.” Jensen sighed as he opened the driver’s side door. Jared followed suit and stood outside the car. He put his hand out over the hood and waited for Jensen to hand him the keys.

“Let’s not. We know that I made a fool of myself last night, quasi stalking you. Let’s just call this a bout of youthful indiscretion, move on, and never speak of it again.”

Jensen slid the keys across the shiny black metal. Jared grabbed them and turned to go into the apartment.
“You were cute,” Jensen said just as Jared put his hand on the doorknob. “And if we could, I’d like to get to know each other. But you’re a student, Jared. It’s not allowed.”

“You’re a student too, you know.” Jared turned back. He felt a little of his confidence return as he saw Jensen blush slightly at him before moving his gaze away. “And you’re kind of cocky to think that my offers of friendship are moves for something else. I mean, I could just want to learn more about eighteenth century literature. Y’know?”

Jensen barked out a laugh, “Oh yeah, that’s it. I can see you salivating when Morgan starts detailing the different historical and cultural influences on the epistolary tradition. Oh wait, I think it might’ve been drool from your snoring.”

“Well okay, you got me there. But still, I could just want to get to know you. You seem cool. I mean, look at all your suitors last night. I doubt I’d have a chance in that line anyway.” Jared meant for it to sound joking, but he even heard the edge of frustration in his voice.

Jensen didn’t respond. Instead he shrugged. “You don’t get it..I...” He stopped and then shrugged again. “Anyway, you should get in and take a shower. Get the blood off you.” He motioned to Jared’s head.

He began to walk away, and Jared was almost inside when Jensen called out, “Lunch on Wednesday might work. I mean, if you and your friend Gen want me to join.”

“Yeah, that’d be great…” Jared nodded before going in.

Jensen smiled and then turned to leave. Jared stood in the open door and watched as Jensen turned the next corner and ambled out of sight.

******

“Fuck my life!” Jared yelled as he hit his finger on a screw. He was doing last minute adjustments on his engineering project. He was in a hurry. His project, this stupid project that Misha told them they had to intentionally build to fail. Whatever.

He carried the exhaust pipe into the classroom and laid it on the long metal table. He looked around at the other projects and sighed. Jerry had a bridge of toothpicks resting on his desk. Tam had a rather complicated contraption that Jared guessed was a vending machine.

“So failures, ready to show me what you got?” Misha entered. He was dressed this time in a striking ball gown with fluffy sleeves and a sleek torso wrapped around his middle like a vice. It was ivory white, and Jared wondered if he was getting married.

“No, already married.”

Jared hadn’t realized he had said it aloud and sighed because once Misha’s attention was on him, he was toast. He was proud of his project. It was set up to fail, per the instructions.

“So Katherine Heigl, how’s your hangover?”

Jared rolled his eyes. “I’m not Katherine Heigl.”

“Yeah, yeah you are. But I’m gonna save you for last, because I want to savor your anxiety.”

With that, Misha began going through the room and asking each student to demonstrate their project. Jerry’s bridge collapsed once he pushed a little matchbox car down its road. He explained the structural issues, and Misha made everyone clap. The hour moved quickly as Misha moved from one project to the next, each time encouraging everyone to applaud. Finally, he got to Jared.

“So I have this exhaust pipe, and if you turn this button…” Jared started it and the pipe-which had been rigged with a small metal flap that didn’t open-filled with smoke. It began to seep out through the cracks. The room quickly became smoky, and a few students began coughing. Misha waved the smoke away and then ordered everyone to leave as Jared desperately tried to shut off the machine, but it wouldn’t stop. Smoke continued billowing into the room.

“Everyone out!” Misha shouted, as he began to open the windows. Tam, ever so generous, started clapping but Misha turned on her and gave her a deadly stare. “Out.”

“What the hell, Katherine?” Misha asked as he pushed open the last window.

“I’m not Katherine!.” Jared shouted back as the machine finally fell silent. He and Misha stood there in the midst of the smoke, and Jared felt like a total and complete failure.

“Well, if we had some Whitesnake, this would be the setup for a moody eighties hair metal video.” Misha waved his arms to push more of the smoke out the windows. The smoke alarm finally kicked in, and the high pitch sound filled the room.

“It’s not the guitar I was hoping for,” Misha said as he hooked up his dress and climbed onto the table. He bent down and grabbed the high heel he was wearing and used it to knock the alarm off the wall. Jared watched as it careened across the room and fell with a thump near the door.

Misha climbed down. “Well that’s gonna get me in trouble.” He put his shoe back on and stared at Jared’s exhaust pipe. “So this was a failure.”

“That’s good, right?” Jared asked hopefully, but Misha just glanced up at him and shook his head.

“No, Jared. It’s not. What did you do, stick a rag in there?” He looked into the pipe and reached his hand in. He moved his fingers and exclaimed, “Ha. You built a flap in here that wouldn’t move?”

“Well, yeah.”

“That’s not what I asked, Jared. I didn’t ask you for sabotage. I asked you to build a failure.”

Jared stared at Misha for a moment before asking, “What’s the difference?”

Misha shook his head. “And that’s the problem right there, Jared. If you don’t know, I can’t teach you.” He was about to say something else, but the campus police entered the classroom with the Dean of Engineering.

“It’s all right, guys!” Misha made his way over, throwing his hands in the air. “Students! Whadya gonna do, right?”

******

Jared looked at the starter. He’d finished the installation a few minutes before and now was about ready to start it up.

“Almost finished?” Jensen had come by an hour or so before, and had decided to hang out while Jared fixed his car. At first he‘d stayed in the garage, but halfway through Jared had sensed someone standing close. He’d looked up and Jensen had been standing there. His first reaction had been to be snarky, but after his total failure of a project with Misha, he was feeling defeated. It didn’t bode well for him finishing the class with anything resembling a passing grade, so he’d thought better of antagonizing another one of his evaluators.

“Yeah, just need to start her up.” He grabbed the keys and slid into the front seat. He noticed a pile of CDs on the passenger seat, all classical music. “Your grandma give you this car?” He asked as he turned the key. The car started right away.

“What?” Jensen stood by the open door.

“Your grandma.” Jared nodded toward the stack of CDs.

“No.” Jensen shook his head. “Those are mine. I’m downloading them for my dissertation.”

“I thought you were a lit major?”

Jensen shrugged. “I am but my dissertation tracks the use of music in certain eighteenth century texts or at least argues that the music influences them. And I really like music.”

“You play any instruments? Sing?” Jared, of course, couldn’t play a lick of music. He was tone deaf to a terrible degree. Dogs wailed when he sang.

“A little…”

“I’d love to hear you.” Jared stopped himself, realizing this was starting to sound too personal. He waited for Jensen to lock up, but the other man just smiled.

“Maybe one day,” he promised vaguely and then stuck his hand out as Jared got out. “Thanks, Jared. You’re a car genius.”

Jared laughed as he wiped his hands on the towel, the grease coming away only barely. “Well, Amanda’s got the bill up front so…if you don’t need anything else?”

“Oh, no. We’re still on for lunch tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah, sure.” Jared considered Jensen and then moved back. Jared had often lived to make others love him, sometimes with devastating consequences. Why don’t you love me, Jared? He shook the memory away as fast as it arrived. Jared knew one thing -- he didn’t want to be that guy. He didn’t want to be Katherine Heigl.

“Good, so I’ll see you after class?”

“Sounds good.” With that, Jared walked away and didn’t notice Jensen staring at him as he left.

********

Jared and Gen were laughing at his project story when Jensen joined them.

“What’s so funny?” He asked as they waited for him to sit.

“Nothing,” Jared responded quickly and then proceeded to change the topic. They chatted for a bit before Jared prompted, “So tell us about this dissertation of yours, Ackles.”

Jensen smiled. “Well I’m looking at the use of the baroque guitar and the lyre in certain poems and how that image accompanies a proto-romantic tradition.” Jensen stopped when he saw the blank look on both of their faces. “Sorry, that’s what we call the ‘cocktail’ version of my work. Grad students are taught to talk about it briefly, in case someone asks us.”

“So you’re studying guitars and poetry basically?” Gen asked as she sipped on her hot coffee.

“Yeah, that’s about it.”

“Why?” Jared didn’t understand what the point was. “I mean, it sounds interesting. I guess. But what’s the point?”

Jensen sighed. “Um…I guess so we understand how the history of the guitar is linked to how we think about literature and poetry. Poetry is sound and language. Music is the silent partner of most poetry, or at least that’s what I believe.”

“So how’d you end up in a class about letters?” Jared pushed.

“Morgan’s my advisor and he needed a TA and I’m it. It’s not like you’ve got a lot of people waiting to study eighteenth century literature. Not ‘sexy science’ enough for today’s marketplace.”

“Well, I think it’s awesome,” Gen interjected and they turned the conversation to more mundane things like the new show they were watching.

“Jen!” The girl from the party-Danneel-hurried over to the table and squeezed into the chair beside Jensen. She bid Gen and Jared a quick nod of greeting before grabbing Jensen’s arm. “Hey, we gotta go. I need you.”

Jared’s fingers flexed around his coffee cup, and he could feel his fingertips leaving indents in the cardboard aggregate. So was Jensen straight then?

“Whoa there, tiger. What do you ‘need’ me for? Last time I heard those words, I lived to regret my life.”

“Oh really?” Gen smirked and leaned forward. “Tell us more.”

Jared kicked her under the table, and she grunted.

“Ow!” She reached down to massage her calf.

“Oh, sorry. Long legs and all.” Jared apologized insincerely and gave her a dirty look.

“Ha! No, not that kind of trouble.” Danneel laughed. “Jen here wouldn’t touch a girl that way if he had someone else’s fingers.”

“Oh really?” Gen leaned in again. “Now tell us more.”

“Gen!” Jared warned her and then turned to Jensen. He was looking at Danneel with the same look Jared had just given Gen.

“Danni…” Jensen got up and motioned for her to follow. “Let’s go, and you can tell me about your urgent need on the way back to my office.” He stared at Jared. “Sorry we have to leave.” He didn’t let Danneel respond as he moved her out of the chair and led her away.

“Well that was interesting,” Gen observed as they fell into an awkward silence. “I think he’s gay?”

“I don’t know, and I really don’t care. Right now, I’m worried about passing classes. Not whether or not Ackles fucks guys.” Jared balled up the napkin from his cup and threw it on the table. “I gotta go.”

Jared left Gen openmouthed and stomped out of the shop. He was walking down the street when he heard Jensen’s voice.

“Danni, let it go.”

Jared stepped back and stayed out of view of the two, who were standing in the shallow alley next to the shop.

“Just tell him, Jen. He’s got it bad, and you’re not being fair.” Danneel’s hands were moving rapidly with her words.

“There’s nothing to tell, Danni. He’s a student and there’s no space there for anything else. Now just drop it.”

“Fine.” Danneel shook her head and continued. “But you know there’s nothing wrong with talking about it or telling him. You know that more than anyone. Come on, Jen!”

“Done.” Jensen started walking in Jared’s direction. Jared walked the other way briskly and turned the other corner before Jensen came out of the alley. He allowed himself a glance back and saw that Jensen was going the opposite way.

Jared wondered what Danneel knew about Jensen.

“Why can’t you love me, Jared?”

Jared was surprised by the reemergence of the memory, and he shut it down immediately. He had a feeling that Jensen was one of those people who would make Jared relive moments he’d rather forget…conjure up ghosts he’d rather stayed dead and buried.

*******

“So Jared, your project...” Misha caught him as he was exiting class.

“Yeah, I know. We discussed its suckage at length, Professor Collins. Let’s not beat a dead horse. Okay?”

“No, not that one. I don’t want to relive that and also you owe me forty-five dollars for the alarm that I accidentally broke with my shoe,” He said the accidentally with air quotes.

“Whatever,” Jared responded with his own air quotes.

“Let’s talk about it over dinner. My wife is making vegan lasagna, and it’s awesome. You’re too skinny, so you should eat with us.” Misha took his elbow and moved him along.

“Now?” Jared snatched his elbow away. “I may have a life…plans, you know?”

“Oh, Katherine. You’re so cute when you lie.”

“Not Katherine, man. Stop.”

They squabbled back and forth, and before he knew it, Jared was being ushered into Misha’s apartment. The smell of lasagna wafted through the rooms and a thin, striking woman came into view.

“Vicky, this is Jared.”

“Oh hi! Jared, the exhaust pipe killer?” Vicky held her hand out and smiled mischievously at Jared.

“Seriously?” Jared exclaimed. “I mean it failed! You asked for failure.”

“You sabotaged it. Different game all together. But we can discuss that another time. Let’s eat dinner!”

Misha and Jared sat at the table and were about to start dishing out the food when a knock interrupted them. Vicky excused herself and went to answer the door. Jared’s back straightened immediately when he heard who it was.

“Hey Vick, I brought some…” Jensen stopped mid-sentence when he noticed Jared sitting at the table.

“Oh look it’s Jensen!” Misha announced. “Come on in, man. We’re just about to start.”

“You know, I should go. My roommate. Chad. Well he’s probably wondering…” Jared made to get up but Misha forced him back down.

“You have a cell phone. Text him. We live in the twenty-first century K-Dog.”

“If you weren’t my professor,” Jared muttered under his breath. He didn’t look up as Jensen sat in the chair next to his, which was the only one available. He was certain that Misha Collins was an evil genius sent from a planet known only to the Marvel and DC universes.

“You’d have failed your first assignment anyway. I’m a gift to you, Jared. You’ll see.” Misha winked and then turned to Jensen. “So Jen, how’s the dissertation coming?”

“Fine, Misha. I’m curious to know why you invited me to dinner. What was so important that Vicky called Jeff to make sure I was here?”

“Oh dinner!” Misha dug in and both Jared and Jensen let their issues go. Dinner talk turned to daily chit chat until finally the meal was done.

“So Jensen is the director of our local LGBTQ chapter,” Misha announced as he was clearing off the table.

“Oh, really?” Jared acted nonchalant but was wondering why Misha felt the need to share this.

“Misha,” Jensen warned and was about to say something when a baby started crying. Jared looked over at the monitor.

“You’ve reproduced?” Jared stuttered and then felt badly. He looked at Vicky. “Sorry.”

Vicky smiled. “Oh that’s the same question our parents asked so no worries.” She and Misha left to tend to the baby while Jared and Jensen were left alone.

Jared patted his jeans nervously. “So you run the chapter, huh?”

“Yeah, so look Jared. We need to talk. It seems there may be a misunderstanding about to happen, and I want to cut it off before it blows into a Judd Apatow level plot.”

“I’m not Katherine Heigl, dammit.” Jared sighed.

Jensen raised his eyebrow. “I get that. I mean, why did you even say that?”

“Nevermind. So what’s the misunderstanding?”

Jensen looked up as Misha entered. “Thanks for dinner. And thank Vicky for me. I think Jared and I will head out. I’d like to talk to him.”

“Good, ‘bout time.” Misha nodded and went back into check on Vicky.

*********

Jared and Jensen walked in silence down the street. As they neared the edge of the park, Jensen nodded to the bench. “Wanna sit?”

They sat down, and Jensen stared at his hands before starting. “So, I do direct the local LGBTQ chapter here on campus. I stepped in when the last director got a job across country. I didn’t really want to do it, but it was kind of a ‘if I didn’t do it, no one else would thing.’”

“That’s cool. You like it?”

“Sometimes,” Jensen said. “I like helping out and giving a place for people to feel safe and protected. I didn’t have that feeling in high school, and even now I sometimes feel out of place.”

“Well you seem popular and desired,” Jared whispered. He watched as Jensen smiled softly, with a tilt of skepticism.

“So you should probably know then that I’m more of the “Q” in the LBGTQ line up. I…well hell, you know. I’m not ashamed of it but to be honest, it’s always awkward talking about it to people who you know may not understand.”

“Jensen. I’m gay, if you didn’t already know so no judgment from me.”

“I’m not gay, Jared. I’m queer. Actually, I’m asexual with homoromantic tendencies.”

Jared sat there for a moment trying to digest what Jensen just said but then just blurted out, “What does that mean?”

Jensen huffed out a laugh. “It means that I’m not really sexually attracted to others. I form relationships, of course, and have very close friendships even romances. But I’m not into the sex part of it. Or at least, that’s not the most important part for me.”

“So you’re a virgin?”

“No, I’ve had sex, Jared. I’m just saying that it’s not really my thing.” Jensen got up and started to pace. “You see, it’s not that easy to understand for someone who is highly sexual. Which you are.”

“Hey! Wait a minute, that sounds almost like an insult.”

“No! I didn’t mean it that way at all. I just meant that you seem to be a very sexual being. Which is cool, but I don’t want you to get the wrong impression from me.” Jensen sat down again. “Dammit, this was supposed to come out better.”

“What’s supposed to come out better?”

Jensen chuckled. Jared noted how he nervously rubbed his hands up and down the thighs of his jeans as he continued. “I want to be your friend, Jared. I kind of like you, even if you can’t write a sentence to save your life. We’re probably not supposed to do this since I’m your TA, and I’m sure there are all kinds of rules prohibiting this friendship. But you’re funny and smart and can build cars and that’s pretty cool.”

Jensen stopped and then started again, “But that’s all we can be, Jared. I’m not the guy you think I am or at least not the guy you have a crush on.”

“Wait...” Jared was embarrassed by being called out on his infatuation.

“It’s okay. I mean, it’s flattering and all. ButI just wanted to be honest so, you know, we could be friends and there wouldn’t be this awkward ‘does he like me or not’ tension. Because, I’m just not built for the relationship you probably have in mind.”

“Wow,” Jared responded. He didn’t really know how to react. If he were honest with himself, he didn’t get the asexual thing. Jensen was right. He was very sexual. He wasn’t promiscuous. His momma taught him better than that, but he did enjoy sex, wanted it, and couldn’t imagine a close romantic relationship without it.
“So no sex, huh?”

Jensen laughed. “Of course you would ask that. I’ve had sex, Jared. But it was something I did to try to prove I was ‘normal’ and after a while that got tired. I may have it again someday, but I can’t imagine it will be with anyone who I’m not in a long term, committed relationship with. Even then, it would have to be with someone who understood that, for me, it’s just not the thing that seals the deal.”

“Fair enough. So now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, you wanna join me at my place for some Madden and not sex time?”

Jensen laughed loudly and nodded. “Sure. And you know, you’re pretty cool about this.”

“Well it’s not a thing, right? I mean. I never had a shot at you anyway so...”

“Don’t say that, Jared. It’s not about...”

Jared raised his hand and interrupted, “I’m just kidding, man. I respect your wishes and your identity. I do have guy friends, y’know. And I even don’t have sex with them. Amazing but true.”

They got up and walked towards Jared’s apartment. He could feel the beginnings of a deep friendship already.

However, in the back of his mind a face haunted him, as did the words, “Why can’t you love me, Jared?”

continued