(no subject)
it has been ages since i posted anything here, and i'm in the middle of a strange time where part of me wants to reach out to all my friends and part of me wants to go off the grid and disappear. i fear that i have these self-destructive gypsy tendencies where i systematically burn all of my bridges before moving somewhere else and starting new. maybe the biggest reason i was so happy in berlin is that i was able to become a completely new, self-styled person. i have a sneaking suspicion that i am in the middle of some sort of quarter-life post-graduate existential crisis. the person i am in love with has decided he needs to go on some sort of journey of self-actualization that doesn't involve me. i simultaneously want to clean my whole house, make list after list and then cross everything off, save up all my money and run away as soon as i've completed this magically ever-growing compilation of ideas, chores and projects. i am in the middle of 2 books, three knitting projects, and one movie and i can't seem to get a handle on which one i'd like to be involved in at any given time. i've been baking and cooking and cleaning and organizing, but all of that requires me to fight off the desire i have to sleep all day and spend my waking hours watching documentaries and drinking red wine in bed.
sometimes i feel like everything is caving in on me, but mostly i feel like i am wading through my life right now while everything whizzes past me. i can't believe that i graduated almost two months ago. i can't believe how quickly july has passed, how quickly the summer is going by and how soon i am going to have to reckon with all of the adult, grown-up things i have been putting off like organizing my student loan pay-back schedule, buying a plane ticket, enrolling in a TEFL course, contacting english schools in berlin. underneath the anticipation of running away again and doing something more fulfilling and exciting is a fear that something will go awry in my plans and i will fail.
my dog is curled up in the winter coat that i have practically destroyed over the course of two years of constant wear. she is laying in a bizarrely contorted position that looks like it can't possibly be comfortable. she is yipping and growling quietly in her sleep, chasing and barking at dream animals. i wonder what the animals look like in her dream and how loudly she thinks she is barking. i wonder if she dreams about me. soon i will probably sneeze because of the dust in this room, which will cause her to jump up cartoonishly and then stretch out her old-lady joints and shuffle into the kitchen for some halfhearted bites of kibble. when i was little my mother would read me a book that started out by saying, "there is a house, a napping house, where everyone is sleeping ..." i feel like i currently live in the napping house, where it is dimly lit and cool and everyone is sleeping everything away.
sometimes i feel like everything is caving in on me, but mostly i feel like i am wading through my life right now while everything whizzes past me. i can't believe that i graduated almost two months ago. i can't believe how quickly july has passed, how quickly the summer is going by and how soon i am going to have to reckon with all of the adult, grown-up things i have been putting off like organizing my student loan pay-back schedule, buying a plane ticket, enrolling in a TEFL course, contacting english schools in berlin. underneath the anticipation of running away again and doing something more fulfilling and exciting is a fear that something will go awry in my plans and i will fail.
my dog is curled up in the winter coat that i have practically destroyed over the course of two years of constant wear. she is laying in a bizarrely contorted position that looks like it can't possibly be comfortable. she is yipping and growling quietly in her sleep, chasing and barking at dream animals. i wonder what the animals look like in her dream and how loudly she thinks she is barking. i wonder if she dreams about me. soon i will probably sneeze because of the dust in this room, which will cause her to jump up cartoonishly and then stretch out her old-lady joints and shuffle into the kitchen for some halfhearted bites of kibble. when i was little my mother would read me a book that started out by saying, "there is a house, a napping house, where everyone is sleeping ..." i feel like i currently live in the napping house, where it is dimly lit and cool and everyone is sleeping everything away.