I don't need your shit today.. you're pathetic in your own way.

[cosmicdisaster]

I know I don't update very often but I don't often have much to say. I'm on Long Island and trying very hard to keep peace between my father and I. My sister was having a nervous breakdown when I arrived, scared shitless of the move, missing my mother, and wanting to poison my father. I try hard not to hate him, but he makes it difficult. I've reflected a lot over the last couple days on different parts of my childhood, and I realized just how sick he's always been. He needs serious help, and since he's unwilling to admit he's not God and will not seek help any time soon, I'm afraid I'm at a point where I cannot continue to try to have a relationship with him. It's just not something I'm capable of right now. Part of me wants to give him a hug, part of me wants to stab him in the chest. Unfortunately while here I've felt the stabbing part of me growing with every word out of his mouth. During the week it's not so bad, because he's at work by the time I wake up and in bed by the time I come home. I rarely see him. I like it that way. The other night, however, he went off on Michelle and I, and had this computer connected to the internet I would have posted a lengthly entry on the extent of the anxiety attack that produced. I won't leave my sister right now, but luckily he's been calm enough for me to remain living here without too much anxiety. I hope this settlement between my parents is signed and done with soon. My sister needs to get out of here. It's just not a healthy situation for her and I fear if she's not gone when I leave she'll freak out. In the meantime I'm clearing piles and piles of crap resulting from years of my being a packrat. I'm also in financial hell and therefore not spending money on anything more than gas. I'm attending my meetings and doing my stepwork and seeing old friends of mine.. all in all it's not a horrible trip. It's just strange to live with my father again and remember what it's like to be under the same roof as him. I can't believe I lived here for so many years. It feels so alien and uncomfortable. There are good memories of here too, for sure, but my father's sickness permiates every atom in this house. His reign of terror here will never end. I just need to help my family get out of his way before he gets any worse. And maintain my spiritual and emotional well being in the process. I have every intention of cutting all ties with him when I can. It's just not worth it to me. There's too much anger, too much hurt. He's still unwilling to admit he ever commited a wrong in his life, and his narcissism is out of control. I don't need his shit in my life. I'm doing the best I can and I'm getting better every day. He's worse than he was before, if that's possible, and I see little to no hope of him ever realizing just how much of a goddam prick his is to his family. If he ever stops blaming everyone else for everything that goes wrong in his life, if he ever accepts responsibility for anything, if he ever stops thinking he's better than everyone else.. maybe, then maybe I'll consider having something to do with him. In the meantime, I have a freaking life to lead. Once he signs this agreement he's bound to pay whatever amount of support he agrees to pay. I no longer need to try to explain things rationally to him, since he's so completely irrational it's as pointless as talking to a rock. I hope one day he realizes just what he's done. I hope he gets better, and learns to have some kind of love and compassion in his life. I really hope he finds some kind of happiness. But I can't let him hurt me anymore. I'm no longer a child. My life is mine, and once my family is out of his clutches I have every intention of removing him from it.

Sorry, had to vent. Goodnight all.

I'm doing the best I ever did.. now go away.