Traveling down the road of life
This has been bothering me for awhile.
I knew this guy, we will call him Mr. X. I've known him for 11 years on and off. We were good friends. Awesome friends. No we didn't live near each other but I'm glad I had free long distance because the phone bill would have been really high. We talked about anything and everything but when I moved we lost 'sight' of each other.
I would call him from time to time just to keep in touch. I eventually got married but I still called him every now and then. The crush I had on him from way back when was still alive, just faded into the background. I always thought about him, wondering what he was doing, where he was, hoping he was well.
When my ex-husband threw me out and told me that he wanted a divorce, he was the first one I called to talk to because in my mind we were still good friends. The first time I called we only talked for like 10 minutes. One night I was going through a bad time and I called him, he couldn't talk with me that night and even though he knew my phone number he never called. I started grieving for the friendship I seemed to have lost.
See there are friends that you don't talk to in a very long time, but if it happens that you do get in touch with each other, it is like you never parted. This is what I thought we had. I was mistaken.
After a couple of years I got to thinking about him and wondering how he was doing. So, me being me, I searched the interwebs and found him of all places in a warhammer forum. Gamers will always be gamers, ne? Anyway, I emailed him and we got to talking when I found out that he played Warcraft as well. He made a character on my server and we had a great time getting to know each other again, when I SCREWED the pooch.
I mentioned that I still had a little bit of a crush on him. He had a crush on his friends girl. She was flirting with him. I warned him that it was a plot of hers and a game to get the other guy she was going with to pay more attention to her. He thought I was full of it. Turns out I was right. Though this was after I told him how I felt and asked if we could make a go of it. He said no because he wasn't willing to put in the effort for a long distance relationship. Obviously the feelings were one sided. He was hurt once before and he didn't want to go through that again. I could understand in some small way, even though it hurt. Might as well get things out in the open, ne?
So after he told me that I was right about what that other girl was doing we didn't talk as much. I started noticing things. Sometimes it takes me a long time to notice things, but I saw things I didn't like. When he came online I was the first to say hello. I was the first one to start a conversation. I asked him if he wanted to come on vent. I would be the one to go and help him and his friend. If I wanted to talk to him I had to say something first. He never, ever initiated a conversation. He never asked me to come do things with him.
Out of the game I'm the one that had to call him. ETC. ~ Ad Nauseum~
I had him as a friend on Facebook, had being the operative word here.
I woke up.
After my heart attack, none of the people I called my friends from Warcraft said jack shit to me. It hurt me, especially since he didn't say anything to me. I waited after I quit WoW to see just how long it would take before he called me or wrote me an email. He never did. That said enough to me.
I wrote him a message and asked him if he cared about what happened to me... just to get a conversation going, just to see where his head was or what was going on with him, but you know typed words don't have "Feeling" when you read them, just what you put into it. So, he must have read it wrong. Anyway, instead of writing me and telling me how what I wrote made him feel, he made it a public spectacle on his Facebook page.... this is what was said...
*******************************************
Sorry to thouse out there in facebook. I havent checked this in like 3 weeks. Im enjoying my life and trying to make it better. So If I dont post on your wall or comments on your message im sorry. But dont come to me seeking pity and asking me if I even care.
Becuase if you cared, you would have stayed in my life and be one of the regulars I WANT to stay in contact with. I probably wont check this again in some time. Im having fun with what im doing, I love those around me. I hope you can find that too with or without me.
I'm sorry if I sound like an ass hole, but when I get personal messages from people that havent even spoken to me in years asking if I even cared something bad happened to them...well yeah Im going to be a bit of an ass hole back. Yes, I care that something bad happened and im sorry it happened. But wtf? I dont deserve to be put on the spot becuase we barely spoke in 4 years.
The way I figure it. If I want to be friends with someone and vice versa, I keep in touch with them. I talk to them, I hang out with them. BTW this has nothig to do with you Tim and Tina, you have your own life and our schedules dont sync up anymore. I love you guys. It just we dont get together anymore. But I assure you, its nothing to do with you at all. So...whatever then. Im an ass hole. I dont care.
*******************************
So this told me a couple of things:
First, he is definitely not the same kind of person he used to be, not even close.
Second, he is berating me for not keeping in touch with him, which is absolutely false, because I was the one that was making all the moves on the chess board while he just sat there on his ass. I'm the one that found him. I'm the one that called him. I'm the one that contacted him. I'm the one that had to ask him to do things with me in the game. We don't live close so we couldn't hang out. I did what I had to do. I talked with him first. (Then I got tired of it and waited to see if he truly wanted to be friends... he didn't make a move. He said that he moved servers because of me, but he hardly spent time with me or hardly talked to me. I got tired of it.)
Third, he didn't want to be friends with me as evidenced by this sentence: "The way I figure it. If I want to be friends with someone and vice versa, I keep in touch with them. I talk to them, I hang out with them." I gave him the opportunity to call me, write me, talk with me and I got nothing for my faith that maybe our friendship had lasted the passage of time.
Watashi no BAKA!!!
I feel stupid now for putting all that time in for nothing, but that has been the song of my life.
I'm the one that chased. I'm the one that contacted. I'm the one that wrote. I'm the one that asked. I'm the one that moved to be with... it doesn't matter in what situation it was.... I'm the one that started the movement.
I'm tired of being the one that makes all the first moves in friendship and life. I'm tired of trying to please people but always ending up last, lost or not at all. I'm tired of putting in emotionally only to find that I'm plowing in a barren field. I'm tired of trying so hard to make people like me. I'm tired of not being myself cause I'm afraid people will get mad and not like me anymore. I'm tired of.....
I'm just tired.
So after he made it public and expressed what he did... I knew I couldn't have him in my life anymore. Without ceremony I took him off my friends list. Got rid of his phone number and address and dropped him from anyplace that I could. I figured I wasn't going to put anymore energy into something and someone so negative and selfish and if he wanted to remain friends he would have to be the one that got off his ass this time.
*nodnod*
After this, writing about it, I will leave it right where it belongs, away from me and not think about it anymore.
I knew this guy, we will call him Mr. X. I've known him for 11 years on and off. We were good friends. Awesome friends. No we didn't live near each other but I'm glad I had free long distance because the phone bill would have been really high. We talked about anything and everything but when I moved we lost 'sight' of each other.
I would call him from time to time just to keep in touch. I eventually got married but I still called him every now and then. The crush I had on him from way back when was still alive, just faded into the background. I always thought about him, wondering what he was doing, where he was, hoping he was well.
When my ex-husband threw me out and told me that he wanted a divorce, he was the first one I called to talk to because in my mind we were still good friends. The first time I called we only talked for like 10 minutes. One night I was going through a bad time and I called him, he couldn't talk with me that night and even though he knew my phone number he never called. I started grieving for the friendship I seemed to have lost.
See there are friends that you don't talk to in a very long time, but if it happens that you do get in touch with each other, it is like you never parted. This is what I thought we had. I was mistaken.
After a couple of years I got to thinking about him and wondering how he was doing. So, me being me, I searched the interwebs and found him of all places in a warhammer forum. Gamers will always be gamers, ne? Anyway, I emailed him and we got to talking when I found out that he played Warcraft as well. He made a character on my server and we had a great time getting to know each other again, when I SCREWED the pooch.
I mentioned that I still had a little bit of a crush on him. He had a crush on his friends girl. She was flirting with him. I warned him that it was a plot of hers and a game to get the other guy she was going with to pay more attention to her. He thought I was full of it. Turns out I was right. Though this was after I told him how I felt and asked if we could make a go of it. He said no because he wasn't willing to put in the effort for a long distance relationship. Obviously the feelings were one sided. He was hurt once before and he didn't want to go through that again. I could understand in some small way, even though it hurt. Might as well get things out in the open, ne?
So after he told me that I was right about what that other girl was doing we didn't talk as much. I started noticing things. Sometimes it takes me a long time to notice things, but I saw things I didn't like. When he came online I was the first to say hello. I was the first one to start a conversation. I asked him if he wanted to come on vent. I would be the one to go and help him and his friend. If I wanted to talk to him I had to say something first. He never, ever initiated a conversation. He never asked me to come do things with him.
Out of the game I'm the one that had to call him. ETC. ~ Ad Nauseum~
I had him as a friend on Facebook, had being the operative word here.
I woke up.
After my heart attack, none of the people I called my friends from Warcraft said jack shit to me. It hurt me, especially since he didn't say anything to me. I waited after I quit WoW to see just how long it would take before he called me or wrote me an email. He never did. That said enough to me.
I wrote him a message and asked him if he cared about what happened to me... just to get a conversation going, just to see where his head was or what was going on with him, but you know typed words don't have "Feeling" when you read them, just what you put into it. So, he must have read it wrong. Anyway, instead of writing me and telling me how what I wrote made him feel, he made it a public spectacle on his Facebook page.... this is what was said...
*******************************************
Sorry to thouse out there in facebook. I havent checked this in like 3 weeks. Im enjoying my life and trying to make it better. So If I dont post on your wall or comments on your message im sorry. But dont come to me seeking pity and asking me if I even care.
Becuase if you cared, you would have stayed in my life and be one of the regulars I WANT to stay in contact with. I probably wont check this again in some time. Im having fun with what im doing, I love those around me. I hope you can find that too with or without me.
I'm sorry if I sound like an ass hole, but when I get personal messages from people that havent even spoken to me in years asking if I even cared something bad happened to them...well yeah Im going to be a bit of an ass hole back. Yes, I care that something bad happened and im sorry it happened. But wtf? I dont deserve to be put on the spot becuase we barely spoke in 4 years.
The way I figure it. If I want to be friends with someone and vice versa, I keep in touch with them. I talk to them, I hang out with them. BTW this has nothig to do with you Tim and Tina, you have your own life and our schedules dont sync up anymore. I love you guys. It just we dont get together anymore. But I assure you, its nothing to do with you at all. So...whatever then. Im an ass hole. I dont care.
*******************************
So this told me a couple of things:
First, he is definitely not the same kind of person he used to be, not even close.
Second, he is berating me for not keeping in touch with him, which is absolutely false, because I was the one that was making all the moves on the chess board while he just sat there on his ass. I'm the one that found him. I'm the one that called him. I'm the one that contacted him. I'm the one that had to ask him to do things with me in the game. We don't live close so we couldn't hang out. I did what I had to do. I talked with him first. (Then I got tired of it and waited to see if he truly wanted to be friends... he didn't make a move. He said that he moved servers because of me, but he hardly spent time with me or hardly talked to me. I got tired of it.)
Third, he didn't want to be friends with me as evidenced by this sentence: "The way I figure it. If I want to be friends with someone and vice versa, I keep in touch with them. I talk to them, I hang out with them." I gave him the opportunity to call me, write me, talk with me and I got nothing for my faith that maybe our friendship had lasted the passage of time.
Watashi no BAKA!!!
I feel stupid now for putting all that time in for nothing, but that has been the song of my life.
I'm the one that chased. I'm the one that contacted. I'm the one that wrote. I'm the one that asked. I'm the one that moved to be with... it doesn't matter in what situation it was.... I'm the one that started the movement.
I'm tired of being the one that makes all the first moves in friendship and life. I'm tired of trying to please people but always ending up last, lost or not at all. I'm tired of putting in emotionally only to find that I'm plowing in a barren field. I'm tired of trying so hard to make people like me. I'm tired of not being myself cause I'm afraid people will get mad and not like me anymore. I'm tired of.....
I'm just tired.
So after he made it public and expressed what he did... I knew I couldn't have him in my life anymore. Without ceremony I took him off my friends list. Got rid of his phone number and address and dropped him from anyplace that I could. I figured I wasn't going to put anymore energy into something and someone so negative and selfish and if he wanted to remain friends he would have to be the one that got off his ass this time.
*nodnod*
After this, writing about it, I will leave it right where it belongs, away from me and not think about it anymore.