(no subject)
I have to get this off of my chest. Culture shock is a part of life whenever you move, whether its temporary or permanent, long-term or short-term, from one side of the world to the other or just a few states away. I'm in Annapolis, MD working at the renaissance fair. This is my world, except not. From the start I felt alienated and hostile, probably partly because I expected to fit in just fine and when it didn't happen by itself I got frustrated, angry, self-depricating. I don't make friends easily to begin with and the friends I do make are made selectively. I don't believe in "friends" who are really just acquaintances. We either connect or we don't and a friendship that I am unmoved to put the effort into is just an empty thing.
The other problem is that I'm not interesting in this company. In fact, I am downright dull. It seems like no one cares what I have to say because everyone living this lifestyle is just like me. They've all done a million things, lived in many different places. I no longer stand out, so I don't see why anyone should care about talking to me, or listening to me. I have nothing to say and I abhor filler conversation. I feel boring. When I feel like this, I can't become interested in anyone because I feel so lowly. These people are too cool for me.
Then there's that ever-present question of "what do you do?" I hate that question; I don't have an answer. What do I do? I don't know: I wander aimlessly through life hoping to find something or some people that will make me happy. I am a half-ass at 20 different things and proficient in none of them. I am a performer in denial. I watch these musicians doing things I so desperately want to do too, but can't. Won't. If I admit I am one of them, then I have to compete with them and that's intimidating. I need to be an outsider, an exception, "the different one" all the time, but how do you do that in a group of people who are ALL outsiders and "different ones"?
My identity is so smashed to bits. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I want, except to feel happy, important, accomplished. Where/how do I find those things? They say not all who wander are lost, but I am most definitely one of the lost ones.
The other problem is that I'm not interesting in this company. In fact, I am downright dull. It seems like no one cares what I have to say because everyone living this lifestyle is just like me. They've all done a million things, lived in many different places. I no longer stand out, so I don't see why anyone should care about talking to me, or listening to me. I have nothing to say and I abhor filler conversation. I feel boring. When I feel like this, I can't become interested in anyone because I feel so lowly. These people are too cool for me.
Then there's that ever-present question of "what do you do?" I hate that question; I don't have an answer. What do I do? I don't know: I wander aimlessly through life hoping to find something or some people that will make me happy. I am a half-ass at 20 different things and proficient in none of them. I am a performer in denial. I watch these musicians doing things I so desperately want to do too, but can't. Won't. If I admit I am one of them, then I have to compete with them and that's intimidating. I need to be an outsider, an exception, "the different one" all the time, but how do you do that in a group of people who are ALL outsiders and "different ones"?
My identity is so smashed to bits. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I want, except to feel happy, important, accomplished. Where/how do I find those things? They say not all who wander are lost, but I am most definitely one of the lost ones.