Birth of a Fish
Well. Yes. To all those faithful readers (?1?):
I haven't much updated with anything useful. I'm in a very strange stage of life right now. I guess I should tell you what I've been doing.
Work
I go to work. When I'm supposed to. My job, as customer service, is hell. I'm bored all day long and my anger progresses as the day does. There was one point, where I just stopped going. For like 5 days or something. I just didn't want to go back. I don't want to work on the phone and I don't want to work for the bank. But I was convinced that I needed a job to survive. Even at the cost of my own sanity. On days that I work, I wake up about an hour before work. Take a shower, get dressed and go. After work, I come home and sit around. I just kind of sulk. My afternoons and evenings are spent doing something I hate. So when I come home, around 10:30 PM, I don't really want to do anything. I can't sleep because my mind's racing. So I'm up, until about 4 am.
Home
So I'm living in a condo. It's my dad. I pay about 3/4 or more of my paycheck to him for it. It was nice at first because he wasn't staying here. Now he is, and it's annoying. He thinks that after 18 years of treating me like an asshole that I want him to be a part of my life. Every night he makes me give him a hug and tell him I love him. But I don't. I hate him inside. Deep down I hate him and I don't know why and I hate myself for it. There are times when I can't help but let tears out because I'm so angry I could literally kill him, and I don' want to be that person. That's not me. I was hoping I would be able to get out of this place in tact. If I leave, he loses the condo. He'll have to sell it. If I leave, I lose the car. I lose a house. I will no where to stay and no way to get there. At home I don't really do anything except read and try to relax. I try my best to hold on to the edge of reality. I've started driving at night when my dad's not here. I'm starting to lose touch. I see things out of the corner of my eye that have no explanation. I can't stay concentrated on anything. I'm jacking into a part of my mind that's not supposed to be opened.
Mind
My mind is breaking. At first I thought I was coming out of the depths of apathy, but it seems that I slipped an fell even farther down. It's hard to explain really. I don't care, but I care that I don't care. I'm afraid I'm going to get stuck in the same life my parents did. Stuck in some dead end 9-5 job, never accomplishing their goals. Never doing the things they planned on doing. I'm already being assimilated into that. There's so much I want to do, but I'm starting to think I'll never be able to. I won't ever have the opportunity to live the life I planned. Sometimes I think it's a dream, and that I'll wake up living the life I want. I'll be well travelled and cultured and loved. It's hard, because I have problems talking about my problems. But I need someone. Someone to tell me everything will be alright. Someone to tell me that this nightmare is worth living because things will get better. But I can't believe myself when I say that. Because I don't see how that can be true. I was born into this life going downhill. And there's no stopping me.
This didn't really turned out to be what I planned. But it's better than nothing. I hope you enjoyed it. Who knows, maybe you learned something.
I haven't much updated with anything useful. I'm in a very strange stage of life right now. I guess I should tell you what I've been doing.
Work
I go to work. When I'm supposed to. My job, as customer service, is hell. I'm bored all day long and my anger progresses as the day does. There was one point, where I just stopped going. For like 5 days or something. I just didn't want to go back. I don't want to work on the phone and I don't want to work for the bank. But I was convinced that I needed a job to survive. Even at the cost of my own sanity. On days that I work, I wake up about an hour before work. Take a shower, get dressed and go. After work, I come home and sit around. I just kind of sulk. My afternoons and evenings are spent doing something I hate. So when I come home, around 10:30 PM, I don't really want to do anything. I can't sleep because my mind's racing. So I'm up, until about 4 am.
Home
So I'm living in a condo. It's my dad. I pay about 3/4 or more of my paycheck to him for it. It was nice at first because he wasn't staying here. Now he is, and it's annoying. He thinks that after 18 years of treating me like an asshole that I want him to be a part of my life. Every night he makes me give him a hug and tell him I love him. But I don't. I hate him inside. Deep down I hate him and I don't know why and I hate myself for it. There are times when I can't help but let tears out because I'm so angry I could literally kill him, and I don' want to be that person. That's not me. I was hoping I would be able to get out of this place in tact. If I leave, he loses the condo. He'll have to sell it. If I leave, I lose the car. I lose a house. I will no where to stay and no way to get there. At home I don't really do anything except read and try to relax. I try my best to hold on to the edge of reality. I've started driving at night when my dad's not here. I'm starting to lose touch. I see things out of the corner of my eye that have no explanation. I can't stay concentrated on anything. I'm jacking into a part of my mind that's not supposed to be opened.
Mind
My mind is breaking. At first I thought I was coming out of the depths of apathy, but it seems that I slipped an fell even farther down. It's hard to explain really. I don't care, but I care that I don't care. I'm afraid I'm going to get stuck in the same life my parents did. Stuck in some dead end 9-5 job, never accomplishing their goals. Never doing the things they planned on doing. I'm already being assimilated into that. There's so much I want to do, but I'm starting to think I'll never be able to. I won't ever have the opportunity to live the life I planned. Sometimes I think it's a dream, and that I'll wake up living the life I want. I'll be well travelled and cultured and loved. It's hard, because I have problems talking about my problems. But I need someone. Someone to tell me everything will be alright. Someone to tell me that this nightmare is worth living because things will get better. But I can't believe myself when I say that. Because I don't see how that can be true. I was born into this life going downhill. And there's no stopping me.
This didn't really turned out to be what I planned. But it's better than nothing. I hope you enjoyed it. Who knows, maybe you learned something.