real events because this is a diary
welcome to christmas. it sucked.
23rd i went to the PUB with my FRIENDS (having been ignored by jim some more when will this end)
i saw matt and he gave me The Look which means 'hello you are my ex which makes you doubly attractive' and he is with catherine and he said to me 'you look well' and i said 'hmm you too' and he said 'i've been rowing' and he wanted to see me again before he went back to uni and i couldnt and i feel guilty. GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY because i miss him because he is the single man i have had a relationship with who treated me properly and never, ever hurt me. and he is with her and i am not allowed. as in one is not equal to zero and i am not equal to catherine or various other girls and disguises which we All Know And Love.
christmas eve i went to the PUB with my two SISTERS
adam perved on my big fat ass. called me to ask if i was busy tomorrow HELLO HAVE YOU HEARD OF CHRISTMAS DAY, BIG BOY?
i saw everyone in the world and i wished mike a happy birthday and luke hugged me tight because he loves me. it was christmassy!
we got home around midnight abi drooled on matt it was amusing?
then. the road.
we couldnt get the car up the road
because of the ambulance
parked outside the other house. our neighbours house.
mum and i kept a close watch on the situation as it got worse. the ambulance was there for hours. and hours. and hours. and then candoc (doctors) came out. and then the police. and then we knew it was really bad.
at about 3am the undertakers came and took a body away in a body bag.
we still don't know who died. i keep wondering if it was me. but then i realise my fingers still hit the keys and press them down so it cant have been.
dad claims to have seen john. he is the man of the house. mum and i thought it would be him because he has something in his brain wrong. mum has seen wendy. if wendy and john are alive this means jo, chris or sarah is dead. this means that someone MY AGE died. this means that SOMEONE I KNOW IS DEAD AND NOONE HAS TOLD ME ABOUT IT.
i'm scared. i don't think it was sarah. her car wasn't there. sarah has a baby. so that leaves chris and jo. or a family member who was staying but there werent any extra cars there. i'm scared. i'm too young for people i know to die.
christmas day went to plan i got some stuff none of it was really important mum burned the turkey i heard from LEE which is unusual and i love him.
to pieces.
i miss lee. jo and lee have split up. this makes me upset because lee is upset. i want to give him a hug. i will see him in a week. i will invite him to my flat. in hammersmith. i miss lee.
lee misses sam and mike. who have gone away to uni.
i miss sam and mike. and lee. and feet first and the drunken kisses and waiting for me outside the toilets for hours and hours and hours
it was nice back then. why dont i look at nice boys in the eyes any more?
anyway abi and rosie made me cry, they are good at that. nan came round on boxing day we went for a STROLL on the BEACH with a WHEELCHAIR with my NAN IN IT and it was nice ish. nan said i was lovely and asked about boys and i just looked at her and laughed and abi and rosie told her about matt and guy and i am alone.
we ate beef it was nice mum didnt burn it
nan went home and i sat and watched tv with my family and ate too many chocolates. all the caramels have gone from the roses i think thats my fault.
then i had a LONG LONG bath and went to BED LATE after laughing at justin with rosie and the pink wig of death
my feet were crinkly but that was okay. my hair went curly because it got damp but i didnt wash it.
today i fixed a laptop except im not sure its fixed but it might be. i have to turn it on which i cant do without the SCREWS and the POWER SUPPLY. stupid.
i may get paid money for this.
i also put some hardware in my nEW PC which will be FUn because then i can ACTIVATE IT. i am going to put in my 20gig hard drive tomorrow. and then delete everything that isnt music. i want a new life not holding onto the past BEGINNING on the FIRST OF JANUARY 2003. beginning with GOING TO SEE JIM which is techinically pastholding but that is the only thing i am allowing myself i am going to make him part of something i am even if it is only a friend. i like him, i can talk to him, i do not want to be shunned. not today please.
oh. go. go. buy. final. fantasy. ten. and play to the end and see it because it makes me want to CRY because it is the most beautifully perfect ending ever apart from the imperfection in what ACTUALLY HAPPENS
but the romANTICISM
buy it play it it is perfect
BANG BANG BANG
i must go back and do the sidequests.
and now i am going to go and read my best friend's livejournal and i am going to tell her i love her because i know it is true.
i hope you have a nice new year/new life gods know you need one without me in it
new years resolutions?
actually give up livejournal
start new life
leave past behind
keep in touch with jim
stay tidy
eat more healthily
go to a higher percentage of lectures
make lois happier
probability of keeping any of them is almost zero
new things suck
i love you all.
23rd i went to the PUB with my FRIENDS (having been ignored by jim some more when will this end)
i saw matt and he gave me The Look which means 'hello you are my ex which makes you doubly attractive' and he is with catherine and he said to me 'you look well' and i said 'hmm you too' and he said 'i've been rowing' and he wanted to see me again before he went back to uni and i couldnt and i feel guilty. GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY because i miss him because he is the single man i have had a relationship with who treated me properly and never, ever hurt me. and he is with her and i am not allowed. as in one is not equal to zero and i am not equal to catherine or various other girls and disguises which we All Know And Love.
christmas eve i went to the PUB with my two SISTERS
adam perved on my big fat ass. called me to ask if i was busy tomorrow HELLO HAVE YOU HEARD OF CHRISTMAS DAY, BIG BOY?
i saw everyone in the world and i wished mike a happy birthday and luke hugged me tight because he loves me. it was christmassy!
we got home around midnight abi drooled on matt it was amusing?
then. the road.
we couldnt get the car up the road
because of the ambulance
parked outside the other house. our neighbours house.
mum and i kept a close watch on the situation as it got worse. the ambulance was there for hours. and hours. and hours. and then candoc (doctors) came out. and then the police. and then we knew it was really bad.
at about 3am the undertakers came and took a body away in a body bag.
we still don't know who died. i keep wondering if it was me. but then i realise my fingers still hit the keys and press them down so it cant have been.
dad claims to have seen john. he is the man of the house. mum and i thought it would be him because he has something in his brain wrong. mum has seen wendy. if wendy and john are alive this means jo, chris or sarah is dead. this means that someone MY AGE died. this means that SOMEONE I KNOW IS DEAD AND NOONE HAS TOLD ME ABOUT IT.
i'm scared. i don't think it was sarah. her car wasn't there. sarah has a baby. so that leaves chris and jo. or a family member who was staying but there werent any extra cars there. i'm scared. i'm too young for people i know to die.
christmas day went to plan i got some stuff none of it was really important mum burned the turkey i heard from LEE which is unusual and i love him.
to pieces.
i miss lee. jo and lee have split up. this makes me upset because lee is upset. i want to give him a hug. i will see him in a week. i will invite him to my flat. in hammersmith. i miss lee.
lee misses sam and mike. who have gone away to uni.
i miss sam and mike. and lee. and feet first and the drunken kisses and waiting for me outside the toilets for hours and hours and hours
it was nice back then. why dont i look at nice boys in the eyes any more?
anyway abi and rosie made me cry, they are good at that. nan came round on boxing day we went for a STROLL on the BEACH with a WHEELCHAIR with my NAN IN IT and it was nice ish. nan said i was lovely and asked about boys and i just looked at her and laughed and abi and rosie told her about matt and guy and i am alone.
we ate beef it was nice mum didnt burn it
nan went home and i sat and watched tv with my family and ate too many chocolates. all the caramels have gone from the roses i think thats my fault.
then i had a LONG LONG bath and went to BED LATE after laughing at justin with rosie and the pink wig of death
my feet were crinkly but that was okay. my hair went curly because it got damp but i didnt wash it.
today i fixed a laptop except im not sure its fixed but it might be. i have to turn it on which i cant do without the SCREWS and the POWER SUPPLY. stupid.
i may get paid money for this.
i also put some hardware in my nEW PC which will be FUn because then i can ACTIVATE IT. i am going to put in my 20gig hard drive tomorrow. and then delete everything that isnt music. i want a new life not holding onto the past BEGINNING on the FIRST OF JANUARY 2003. beginning with GOING TO SEE JIM which is techinically pastholding but that is the only thing i am allowing myself i am going to make him part of something i am even if it is only a friend. i like him, i can talk to him, i do not want to be shunned. not today please.
oh. go. go. buy. final. fantasy. ten. and play to the end and see it because it makes me want to CRY because it is the most beautifully perfect ending ever apart from the imperfection in what ACTUALLY HAPPENS
but the romANTICISM
buy it play it it is perfect
BANG BANG BANG
i must go back and do the sidequests.
and now i am going to go and read my best friend's livejournal and i am going to tell her i love her because i know it is true.
i hope you have a nice new year/new life gods know you need one without me in it
new years resolutions?
actually give up livejournal
start new life
leave past behind
keep in touch with jim
stay tidy
eat more healthily
go to a higher percentage of lectures
make lois happier
probability of keeping any of them is almost zero
new things suck
i love you all.