(no subject)
I've come full circle and I'm back where I began.
Three years ago it was the same. I had a big grand plan I thought would solve everything- I was going to travel. 9/11 happened and I lost desire. Then I got sick, it was really my gall bladder, and stayed in bed for a month paralyzed with pain.
the situation now seems similar. I can't wake up in the morning- I don't really have to- but I feel really crummy when I don't. I don't want to go back to Austin because all that is waiting for me is an empty apartment filled with all kinds of negativity.
I'm afraid of feeling like I did in august and september- the worst I've ever felt, the most lonely and confused time of my life. I don't want that. But now I don't trust myself. It seems like I'll make something good turn into shit, and/or create illusions of happiness then faced with reality come to the crushing realization I was wrong. I must have been terribly wrong to come back, to come to UT. But it seemed so right, so perfect last spring. I am terrified of making a decision, but a decision I must make, and soon.
Three years ago it was the same. I had a big grand plan I thought would solve everything- I was going to travel. 9/11 happened and I lost desire. Then I got sick, it was really my gall bladder, and stayed in bed for a month paralyzed with pain.
the situation now seems similar. I can't wake up in the morning- I don't really have to- but I feel really crummy when I don't. I don't want to go back to Austin because all that is waiting for me is an empty apartment filled with all kinds of negativity.
I'm afraid of feeling like I did in august and september- the worst I've ever felt, the most lonely and confused time of my life. I don't want that. But now I don't trust myself. It seems like I'll make something good turn into shit, and/or create illusions of happiness then faced with reality come to the crushing realization I was wrong. I must have been terribly wrong to come back, to come to UT. But it seemed so right, so perfect last spring. I am terrified of making a decision, but a decision I must make, and soon.