(no subject)
I am so drunk right now that it took me five minutes just to open live journal. my cigarette has ashed all over the keyboard. when I'm rational I'll probably erase this entry. I can barely write, somehow, I took enough shots of rum to become totally insanely intoxicated on a saturday night alone n my room with just cable and stereo for company.
Fox on the run is playing ruduntandtly on the stereo and now simon and garfunkle. Am I squandering myself on myself? lately my mind has been so active, thinking mainly on how strange it is to be human. How funny it is that everyone else is too. at this point the only entertainment I have is how deranged I can be. Everyone is gone. Far, far away. I am alone with myself and two small animals, no job, no friends, no life save mediocre school. even Kiedis is no solace. Nor smoking. I am so perdictable to myself. I am 22, mirroring my dad, my worst nightmare, its taking me way too long long to write anything tangible, I wish sometimes that I was fully fucked up, maybe insane, so I didn't have to claim responsibility for myself. Thats my main issue, so far, especially now with nobody to aid my escapism. At least in Santa Fe I felt backed up by an army of supporters or mentors, now I feel totally unsure of myself, my deluded, foolish, silly sentimental, drunk, incompitent self.A year ago I determined my fate listening to the Dixie Chicks at four in the morning applying to UT, and dreaming of Texas. It all seems so deluded now, my progression so far has been anything unreachable. When I have hold of something either it isn't good enough or I can't live up to my standards. both are exceptions to the point. My friends probably think I'm a complete failure, so far, I do.
Fox on the run is playing ruduntandtly on the stereo and now simon and garfunkle. Am I squandering myself on myself? lately my mind has been so active, thinking mainly on how strange it is to be human. How funny it is that everyone else is too. at this point the only entertainment I have is how deranged I can be. Everyone is gone. Far, far away. I am alone with myself and two small animals, no job, no friends, no life save mediocre school. even Kiedis is no solace. Nor smoking. I am so perdictable to myself. I am 22, mirroring my dad, my worst nightmare, its taking me way too long long to write anything tangible, I wish sometimes that I was fully fucked up, maybe insane, so I didn't have to claim responsibility for myself. Thats my main issue, so far, especially now with nobody to aid my escapism. At least in Santa Fe I felt backed up by an army of supporters or mentors, now I feel totally unsure of myself, my deluded, foolish, silly sentimental, drunk, incompitent self.A year ago I determined my fate listening to the Dixie Chicks at four in the morning applying to UT, and dreaming of Texas. It all seems so deluded now, my progression so far has been anything unreachable. When I have hold of something either it isn't good enough or I can't live up to my standards. both are exceptions to the point. My friends probably think I'm a complete failure, so far, I do.