feelings
feeling weird lately, finally off the anti depressants and no more brain flashy side effects.
but while i feel awake i feel restless as well. so Ive been thinking about planning a trip to San Diego , or a move.
the airplane harassment issue stops me from flying. but i could still train or bus or drive.
i realy want a car again. i think a large part of me died when i lost my car the last time. its like i gave up freedom.
thanksgiving is coming soon. next week. Ive got friends coming finally to a family gathering and that feels good. but honestly i don't even want to leave the house. i don't like interceptions to my routine and hell any thing different causes me anxiety, even as small as a doctors appointment that messes with my sleep schedule. well im forcing my self to go to the thanksgiving, at least there will be food. i will however be completely uncomfortable and if there's no beer ill probably be miserable too.
ah beer. ive become an alcoholic. but its my only anti anxiety pill that i can take over the counter. any thing else requires massive doctors fees and prescriptions and things that cant really be any healthier than just slugging back a beer.
every thing stresses me out now. i guess i inherited my grandmothers worrying ability. i still cant belive shes gone. i miss her more than i miss most of my family. she was so nice. and i didnt even go to see her in her last days. my aunt jo gave me a picture of her when she was a kid and i realy treasure it even tho i hate photo ablums and pictures of the past.
i dont realy want to remeber much of my past i kinda want it all to just go by. im not shure what im waiting for but its like i dont want to be awake or aware of time as it passes. till something amazing just happens... like i dont know , interesteller travel, or medical nanite breakthrus. something crazy like that. hell reconstructive surgery like they had in sttng would be nice. insta sex change with whatever face you want to wear in 10 min
maybe thats what i realy feel. like i dont belong in this time and place. as if it has nothing for me. as if i was ment for greater things that cant be occomplished in life a lower class security guard born of normal blue coller family.
but im shure most ppl feel like they got the bad deal in life. and just go on to live with what they got. im not shure theres any thing i even want to do. so yea im brain spewing here and sorry if you read it. thats what a journals for right?
maybe ill write more soon. who knows. i normaly hate writing with a passion but typings not so bad. i think im geting close to the 52 words a min i used to have back in the army
but while i feel awake i feel restless as well. so Ive been thinking about planning a trip to San Diego , or a move.
the airplane harassment issue stops me from flying. but i could still train or bus or drive.
i realy want a car again. i think a large part of me died when i lost my car the last time. its like i gave up freedom.
thanksgiving is coming soon. next week. Ive got friends coming finally to a family gathering and that feels good. but honestly i don't even want to leave the house. i don't like interceptions to my routine and hell any thing different causes me anxiety, even as small as a doctors appointment that messes with my sleep schedule. well im forcing my self to go to the thanksgiving, at least there will be food. i will however be completely uncomfortable and if there's no beer ill probably be miserable too.
ah beer. ive become an alcoholic. but its my only anti anxiety pill that i can take over the counter. any thing else requires massive doctors fees and prescriptions and things that cant really be any healthier than just slugging back a beer.
every thing stresses me out now. i guess i inherited my grandmothers worrying ability. i still cant belive shes gone. i miss her more than i miss most of my family. she was so nice. and i didnt even go to see her in her last days. my aunt jo gave me a picture of her when she was a kid and i realy treasure it even tho i hate photo ablums and pictures of the past.
i dont realy want to remeber much of my past i kinda want it all to just go by. im not shure what im waiting for but its like i dont want to be awake or aware of time as it passes. till something amazing just happens... like i dont know , interesteller travel, or medical nanite breakthrus. something crazy like that. hell reconstructive surgery like they had in sttng would be nice. insta sex change with whatever face you want to wear in 10 min
maybe thats what i realy feel. like i dont belong in this time and place. as if it has nothing for me. as if i was ment for greater things that cant be occomplished in life a lower class security guard born of normal blue coller family.
but im shure most ppl feel like they got the bad deal in life. and just go on to live with what they got. im not shure theres any thing i even want to do. so yea im brain spewing here and sorry if you read it. thats what a journals for right?
maybe ill write more soon. who knows. i normaly hate writing with a passion but typings not so bad. i think im geting close to the 52 words a min i used to have back in the army