(no subject)
its really abusive and difficult to live here.
yesterday i was pretty much playing russian roulette with whatever pills were left the pain was so bad.
what i am doing now is:
150 mg topiramate / day (75 morning, 75 evening)
100 mg methadone / day (100 morning)
15 mg mobic every 8 hours up to twice a day
30 mg tempazepam evening
50 mg benadryl evening (allegra routine if I'm not flaring)
IV prednisone as needed (which is why i need to go back to the hospital soon)
i stopped the dilaudid and everything else...
and IM toradol (office visit every 1.5 - 2 weeks ish....)
UGH
NEED RELIEF
i hope my pm docs will be ok with this....
the other thing i worry about is them seeing my scars and thinking i am just fucking insane...not understanding that some pain is worse than other types of pain and that i just needed to...relocate it by burning or cutting myself so that it wouldn't be out of fucking control, you know? it's like, if my pain is out of control sometimes i need to push my body to the level where it's so much in shock it will give me some endorphins rather than making me want to commit suicide. one would think that a DOCTOR would understand this but man, sometimes they don't!
right now i am about to eat a salad, organic cherries, organic nectarines, a stress/pain relief chinese medicine drink with pretty much 0 calories and a whole foods lime soda......would not be eating without changing up my meds in such a way. don't care what they think really, if they tell me to fuck off, i will just have to find other people who will say yes, but my main doctor is so sweet and like, saved my life so....i just hope that she will understand and not think i am trying to take advantage of her and get high lmao. :-/. cdrp has my back and knows i am a pm patient and they say when there is a drug to put me into remission they can support me in a lots of different ways....hospitalise me to get me off the methadone if i want with lots of different pharmaceutical and therapeutical aids which is very nice. apparently they work with a lot of cross over patients who have opiate dependencies and who are in pain management which is pretty cool.
ok i have to go in my bed full of stuffed animals and my lizard and try to watch something. bye. oh and i got 40 bucks stolen yesterday trying to buy pot. that is truly the worst bullshit b/c most of it was my fucking change and i don't even know why i trusted that mother fucker i think i was just really drunk. alright, bye.
yesterday i was pretty much playing russian roulette with whatever pills were left the pain was so bad.
what i am doing now is:
150 mg topiramate / day (75 morning, 75 evening)
100 mg methadone / day (100 morning)
15 mg mobic every 8 hours up to twice a day
30 mg tempazepam evening
50 mg benadryl evening (allegra routine if I'm not flaring)
IV prednisone as needed (which is why i need to go back to the hospital soon)
i stopped the dilaudid and everything else...
and IM toradol (office visit every 1.5 - 2 weeks ish....)
UGH
NEED RELIEF
i hope my pm docs will be ok with this....
the other thing i worry about is them seeing my scars and thinking i am just fucking insane...not understanding that some pain is worse than other types of pain and that i just needed to...relocate it by burning or cutting myself so that it wouldn't be out of fucking control, you know? it's like, if my pain is out of control sometimes i need to push my body to the level where it's so much in shock it will give me some endorphins rather than making me want to commit suicide. one would think that a DOCTOR would understand this but man, sometimes they don't!
right now i am about to eat a salad, organic cherries, organic nectarines, a stress/pain relief chinese medicine drink with pretty much 0 calories and a whole foods lime soda......would not be eating without changing up my meds in such a way. don't care what they think really, if they tell me to fuck off, i will just have to find other people who will say yes, but my main doctor is so sweet and like, saved my life so....i just hope that she will understand and not think i am trying to take advantage of her and get high lmao. :-/. cdrp has my back and knows i am a pm patient and they say when there is a drug to put me into remission they can support me in a lots of different ways....hospitalise me to get me off the methadone if i want with lots of different pharmaceutical and therapeutical aids which is very nice. apparently they work with a lot of cross over patients who have opiate dependencies and who are in pain management which is pretty cool.
ok i have to go in my bed full of stuffed animals and my lizard and try to watch something. bye. oh and i got 40 bucks stolen yesterday trying to buy pot. that is truly the worst bullshit b/c most of it was my fucking change and i don't even know why i trusted that mother fucker i think i was just really drunk. alright, bye.