what the hell
Why the fuck can't i just play? Is that really too much to ask. It's all i do, it's all i can even come close to having, and even then it's always slipping out of my reach. It's all i can love. Why can't I even have this? just this? Is it greedy of me to want to play? To be a part of music, to be CONSUMED by, to BECOME music. is it too much? I dont ask for much, and rarely get what i ask, but this is obsurd. I casnt even play music in my own house when inspiration strikes. I can't play "loud" EVER anygoddamn more. they hear the "clicks and twangs" of me playing when i use headphones which makes me almost go deaf because of how bad it sounds. WHAT THE FUCK. i'm not trying to be mean, not trying to offend, i'm harmless,i just want to play goddamn music. and I cant fucking do that. If i let it go, i got nothing, NOTHING, mother fucking nothing. that doesnt say much about myself and my abilities now does it. but what the fuck does it matter. I know for a fact that i wont be sleeping on account of me feeling the twitch in my mind, the snap in the synapses, the itch in the hands to play. without it i'm just lost. godDAMNIT. it's bad enough i have to worry about not being "good enough" day in and day out. it's bad enough i have to swim through the sewers of ego's to find people that just want to make music that sounds good. It's bad enough i have to more or less negate my social life so i can practice and NOT suck. but this is just too goddman much. I come home from a boring day at work, a horrible dinner with mother and grandparents, a music lesson that again makes me feel inadequate which i suppose can be good but still makes the entire process seem daunting. what the fuck am i supposed to do with myself when the one thing i CAN do is being pulled away ever so slightly just so i cant reach it. i'm not smart, i'm not enlightened in anywhich way, i dont have any talents, abilities, characteristics whatsofuckingever that in any way that help me. all i have is this, and i dont even really have it. i'm just that much of a fool. i should of dropped it the moment i touched it like a burning coal. but no, i'm just a foo, drawn in to the sirens call that sends those shivers of familiarity down my back and through my body and then that warm feeling that fills every inch of mind and body like a blanket over the soul. i just want this one good feeling, that's all. that's all i need, all i can even come close to getting. i'll dye alone as an old fool with nothing but that feeling, and i wouldnt regret it. But i dont get to even have it. I get to fight for it, i get to try my ass off, sweat, bleed, spend sleepless days for it, but never do i get to have it or touch it. just it's presence and aroma and the anticipation thereof. i'm a fool, and a bitchy one to boot. i've had a dream about just waking up from this and it all being a bad dream, i'm suddenly "normal", living a "normal" life. goin to college, workin, building a career, haveing girlfriends, being really social, all that jive ass bullshit. but what's wierd is that it makes me happy in the dream. would i rather live the lie? i think i'd rather just choke on the air i breathe than fall in line (as if that would even be a choice now). fool