(no subject)
After a long time of thinking. I have discovered that cloves taste better, and yeah, I'm throwing days of my life away... Both from smoking, and my seclusion. I need to go have fun... For me, accomplishment in work feels like fun, I enjoy it. I love to work. BUT, I'm not getting the happiness I need. Perhaps I need to start "LIVING" again.
See once upon a time, I used to be a real "careless, do what the fuck I feel like, not worrying about what others think" type of person... Well, this was 2-3 years ago... Since college, I think it's changed. I've become to insecure. Mostly because of how I had been treated. Past relationships/dating, my experience in school, etc. I really wish I could break this bond of insecurity, which preys upon my ability to have fun, and finally enjoy each and every day as it comes. I do go to the gym, and I workout extensively. Don't have the results I want, but almost there. I am sure, however, that when I reach my goal, I'll still have a problem of insecurity.
Is breaking my bonds of insecurity inevitable? Will I ever get to be like I used to be. Well, honestly, I feel more secure when I am in a relationship. It's common, people tend to be more secure while in a relationship. But... One problem... Me? Relationship, dating? Ha! Gotta be kidding. Whether I want to be ready or not, it's difficult. Finding the right person, needing something before wanting. Everyone I've dated was a want more than need... What I need is exceedingly impossible for me to find, let alone be able to impress. Yes, I know, I'm only 20 years old. But my life isn't as short as many 20 year olds. I've always been a little more ahead than other kids, I've experienced a whole lot more than others may. My life has been so busy, that it just flashes by so fast. Even as a little kid, I had self-expectations that I worked at, sacrificing time for socialization.
It's not the most common thing for males at the age of 20 to long for a tangible beneficial committed relationship that will last forever. I want it. I'm tired of flings and dating, sharing my consideration and thoughts on others who could care less other than what I make a year or my sexual preferences. Has it ever happened that you've talked to a person, had a crush, then he stops talking to you cause he found out you're submissive? It sucks [NOT Saying I'm submissive though ;)] Perhaps I'm crazy to want to settle down right now with the perfect guy, or maybe I just want to much. But it IS what I want. And I can't help it. It almost drives me insane. I hate constant change, I hate being heart-broken, I hate being alone, I hate my insecurity. Because I am so insecure, It's just impossible for me to meet new people, getting to know them. My insecurity scares people and makes them uncomfortable, I can tell... But sometimes I wonder if that's why people don't care to know me or hang out with me.
Besides my insecurity, however, another factor for me in the dating field, is trust. I'm afraid of people, I'm afraid of falling in love, I'm afraid of being hurt. I haven't had much good experience with relationships, albeit, I have learned a GREAT deal, but lost trust in people at the same time. And no, I am not referring only to relationships with a "significant other" but with relationships I've encountered all my life. But for now I am focusing on those relationships. Many people know about one particular I dated. I was stupid, I was settling, I was driven crazy, I became depressed, I was unappreciated, I was cheated on, I was belittled, I was HURT, I became enraged, I was driven insane... But I learned so much. I lost friends from the whole ordeal, which I regret, but shouldn't. Last year was quite a blow to me self-appreciation. But I had nearly seven (that was a kick ass movie) months to recover. I've never been a lucky person. I've worked for everything I have.
When it came to relationships I worked to make things happen. But unlike an unkempt house, or a smashed window, a despaired relationship cannot be fixed. I've always kept my hope, but I was such an idiot, I'm too damn stubborn to adopt change. I am a subtle person. I think all ways, but never seem to know what's best for me. I take care of others better than myself. So what if I got the E in class cause I traded tests with the class idiot. So what if I lost a raise to let someone else have it. Isn't that being nice and considerate? Or just plain stupid? What do I really gain from sacrificing from myself to help others? I admit, sometimes I do gain something, in a positive manner, most of the time, I feel happy to help others, but then, other times I'll end up stressed and regretful. Can a person actually be too nice? I think so, but that's just me.
I've got a lot MORE thinking to do. How I can change, so satisfy myself, to make me happy.
See once upon a time, I used to be a real "careless, do what the fuck I feel like, not worrying about what others think" type of person... Well, this was 2-3 years ago... Since college, I think it's changed. I've become to insecure. Mostly because of how I had been treated. Past relationships/dating, my experience in school, etc. I really wish I could break this bond of insecurity, which preys upon my ability to have fun, and finally enjoy each and every day as it comes. I do go to the gym, and I workout extensively. Don't have the results I want, but almost there. I am sure, however, that when I reach my goal, I'll still have a problem of insecurity.
Is breaking my bonds of insecurity inevitable? Will I ever get to be like I used to be. Well, honestly, I feel more secure when I am in a relationship. It's common, people tend to be more secure while in a relationship. But... One problem... Me? Relationship, dating? Ha! Gotta be kidding. Whether I want to be ready or not, it's difficult. Finding the right person, needing something before wanting. Everyone I've dated was a want more than need... What I need is exceedingly impossible for me to find, let alone be able to impress. Yes, I know, I'm only 20 years old. But my life isn't as short as many 20 year olds. I've always been a little more ahead than other kids, I've experienced a whole lot more than others may. My life has been so busy, that it just flashes by so fast. Even as a little kid, I had self-expectations that I worked at, sacrificing time for socialization.
It's not the most common thing for males at the age of 20 to long for a tangible beneficial committed relationship that will last forever. I want it. I'm tired of flings and dating, sharing my consideration and thoughts on others who could care less other than what I make a year or my sexual preferences. Has it ever happened that you've talked to a person, had a crush, then he stops talking to you cause he found out you're submissive? It sucks [NOT Saying I'm submissive though ;)] Perhaps I'm crazy to want to settle down right now with the perfect guy, or maybe I just want to much. But it IS what I want. And I can't help it. It almost drives me insane. I hate constant change, I hate being heart-broken, I hate being alone, I hate my insecurity. Because I am so insecure, It's just impossible for me to meet new people, getting to know them. My insecurity scares people and makes them uncomfortable, I can tell... But sometimes I wonder if that's why people don't care to know me or hang out with me.
Besides my insecurity, however, another factor for me in the dating field, is trust. I'm afraid of people, I'm afraid of falling in love, I'm afraid of being hurt. I haven't had much good experience with relationships, albeit, I have learned a GREAT deal, but lost trust in people at the same time. And no, I am not referring only to relationships with a "significant other" but with relationships I've encountered all my life. But for now I am focusing on those relationships. Many people know about one particular I dated. I was stupid, I was settling, I was driven crazy, I became depressed, I was unappreciated, I was cheated on, I was belittled, I was HURT, I became enraged, I was driven insane... But I learned so much. I lost friends from the whole ordeal, which I regret, but shouldn't. Last year was quite a blow to me self-appreciation. But I had nearly seven (that was a kick ass movie) months to recover. I've never been a lucky person. I've worked for everything I have.
When it came to relationships I worked to make things happen. But unlike an unkempt house, or a smashed window, a despaired relationship cannot be fixed. I've always kept my hope, but I was such an idiot, I'm too damn stubborn to adopt change. I am a subtle person. I think all ways, but never seem to know what's best for me. I take care of others better than myself. So what if I got the E in class cause I traded tests with the class idiot. So what if I lost a raise to let someone else have it. Isn't that being nice and considerate? Or just plain stupid? What do I really gain from sacrificing from myself to help others? I admit, sometimes I do gain something, in a positive manner, most of the time, I feel happy to help others, but then, other times I'll end up stressed and regretful. Can a person actually be too nice? I think so, but that's just me.
I've got a lot MORE thinking to do. How I can change, so satisfy myself, to make me happy.