Name Change
I suppose that if the current trend continues, I will probably have to change the title of my awards ceremony to either the Corporate Casual Headline of the Day Sponsored by salon.com, or the Corporate Casual Associated Press Headline of the Day. But I'm not ready for all of the fiscal responsibilities that would come with such a change, so for now we will let sleeping dogs (and by sleeping dogs I mean the title of Corporate Casual Headline of the Day, as it has always been) lie.
"Dog Rescued from 40 Tons of Waste"
(taken from salon.com)
Although this headline is funny, which is usually what makes a headline a winner on this blog ready by ones, literally ones of people, it is also sad. Don't you think? It was a pretty slow news day, to be honest, but let's take a look inside, shall we:
"A dog from Middlesex County is probably feeling like a lucky pooch -- though she smelled like trash, after being rescued from among 40 tons of household waste in the back of a garbage trailer."
This is the opening paragraph and it just screams WRONG WRONG WRONG. It's bad enough that the writer used the word "pooch," which I thought had gone out of style right about the time Jimmy Cagney's teenage son first told him he was a "square". Then she goes on to describe the dog as feeling lucky, an emotion that dogs CANNOT feel (as a canine scientist I know this for a fact), despite smelling like trash!!!! What is this, fucking Animal Farm? Was this "pooch" a diplomat from the animal kingdom, here to learn about our biped ways? No. Dogs do not mind smelling like trash, and if they could feel lucky, which we have already confirmed they cannot, it would not be in spite of smelling like trash but because of it.
(NOTE: I am also assuming that she was using the word trash as a synonym for garbage, rather than as a simple descriptive of her own cheap perfume.)
"A landfill worker who found the dog described seeing it in 5 feet of garbage at the back edge of the truck and moments from being dropped 7 feet into the dump."
Really? Don't be surprised if I feel a bit skeptical that a sanitation worker, after a long day on the job, estimated the number of feet of trash the dog was buried in as compared to the number of feet it would be dropped. "The dog was fuckin' in there, and then it like, woulda fuckin' fell the fuck out if I hadn'ta stopped that shit."
"The pooch is leery of people, but she has taken to one resident of the kennel: a one-eyed pit bull."
There's that goddamned 'pooch' again. And I have never seen a more blatant case of doggy discrimination in the press. What is so surprising about befriending a one-eyed pit bull? Especially if you're another dog? And don't go telling me that it couldn't possibly have been discrimination because you have a friend who's a one-eyed pit bull.
"Blumig said it's too early to tell when the dog will be available for adoption. Anyone who is interested can put their name on a waiting list, she said."
A waiting list! What's the point of a waiting list for one dog? Like, if you're not the first person on the list you'll have to wait for the rescue of another trash dog? I fear this--to borrow a phrase--pooch's life is going to be turned into a party gag. "Check it out man, I adopted that trash dog from the newspaper. Yeah man, this dog was up to its ass in trash, and now it's here, in my fuckin' house, I can't barely even fuckin' believe it man."
"Dog Rescued from 40 Tons of Waste"
(taken from salon.com)
Although this headline is funny, which is usually what makes a headline a winner on this blog ready by ones, literally ones of people, it is also sad. Don't you think? It was a pretty slow news day, to be honest, but let's take a look inside, shall we:
"A dog from Middlesex County is probably feeling like a lucky pooch -- though she smelled like trash, after being rescued from among 40 tons of household waste in the back of a garbage trailer."
This is the opening paragraph and it just screams WRONG WRONG WRONG. It's bad enough that the writer used the word "pooch," which I thought had gone out of style right about the time Jimmy Cagney's teenage son first told him he was a "square". Then she goes on to describe the dog as feeling lucky, an emotion that dogs CANNOT feel (as a canine scientist I know this for a fact), despite smelling like trash!!!! What is this, fucking Animal Farm? Was this "pooch" a diplomat from the animal kingdom, here to learn about our biped ways? No. Dogs do not mind smelling like trash, and if they could feel lucky, which we have already confirmed they cannot, it would not be in spite of smelling like trash but because of it.
(NOTE: I am also assuming that she was using the word trash as a synonym for garbage, rather than as a simple descriptive of her own cheap perfume.)
"A landfill worker who found the dog described seeing it in 5 feet of garbage at the back edge of the truck and moments from being dropped 7 feet into the dump."
Really? Don't be surprised if I feel a bit skeptical that a sanitation worker, after a long day on the job, estimated the number of feet of trash the dog was buried in as compared to the number of feet it would be dropped. "The dog was fuckin' in there, and then it like, woulda fuckin' fell the fuck out if I hadn'ta stopped that shit."
"The pooch is leery of people, but she has taken to one resident of the kennel: a one-eyed pit bull."
There's that goddamned 'pooch' again. And I have never seen a more blatant case of doggy discrimination in the press. What is so surprising about befriending a one-eyed pit bull? Especially if you're another dog? And don't go telling me that it couldn't possibly have been discrimination because you have a friend who's a one-eyed pit bull.
"Blumig said it's too early to tell when the dog will be available for adoption. Anyone who is interested can put their name on a waiting list, she said."
A waiting list! What's the point of a waiting list for one dog? Like, if you're not the first person on the list you'll have to wait for the rescue of another trash dog? I fear this--to borrow a phrase--pooch's life is going to be turned into a party gag. "Check it out man, I adopted that trash dog from the newspaper. Yeah man, this dog was up to its ass in trash, and now it's here, in my fuckin' house, I can't barely even fuckin' believe it man."