(no subject)
so its May 5th...cinco de mayo...the day where you sink mayonaise as someone said... how nifty and clever..not really
anyway.ive been meaning to update a lot recently i just havent gotten the chance because once i sign on my anger begins to fade. but im going to attempt to do this now and let the internet world know whats going on. Anyway. So its like this... i feel like im in a box...a very small box thats probably the size of a small ups package... trying to breathe and let myself loose but i cant, somehow its just not possible.i cant think outside of this box.. i cant live outside of it.. and i cant let myself see outside of it...somewhat of my own little world but somehow.. its not the kind of little world i would imagine having. I dont think ive been seeing things the way other people have been seeing them... i feel like in a tube.. just trying to find my way out. I came up with an anaology the other day... over how lauryn views driving. since her sense of direction is so bad, she sees the road as a tube.. and not as a map, people who see roads in a map view..know where they are going.. they know every corner.. and every turn to make toi make sure they get to their destination alright. On the other hand. lauryn sees it as a tube.. just guessing her way through.. by making random turns and recognizing signs and billboards to hope that she will get there. The tube is small.. and smothering.. and prevents space from being present. the tube only lets you see SO far..where as a map or birds eye view lets you see the whole picture.. my view of the world and life seems to be this way..traveling in a tube... and mind you im chlostrophobic.. which makes this worse. i dont know how else to put my mindset... its like i dont know who anyone is and no one really knows who i am anymore and im not sure why its been this way.. what brought on this sudden realization of events. Maybe its the arguments with my mother, or the inability to find a job, or the DWI, or the end of school, or trying to find myself as a human being and this is just another part of the process.. maybe its the suspension of a lisence and i have nothing else to do but sit and think to myself. ive been traveling around this city so much and im so unstable that ive finally just concluded to myself that im completely lost. not knowing which way to turn, or which direction to go... and its hard because unlike lauryn, i dont recognize the billboards.. i dont recognize the signs that help me get to my destination... i dont even know what my destination is. is my destination...to be an accomplished human being with tons of acheivements... or is it to just wait til i die...is it to be something great.. or is it to be one of those men in wifebeaters mowing lawns for a living...i dont know...and everyday i feel as if the sides of my tube are getting thinner and thinner suffocating me more and more...and it continues to blind my way everyday...everyday it gets harder and harder to breathe...like maroon 5 says but anyhow..thats exactly how i feel...lost and scared...alone...gasping for more air..and the more i beg..the more air gets taken away from me...
i feel selfish.. and i feel wrong..
my mother, oh my mother has participated so much in this loss... shes insane... and makes me feel as if im nothing..that everything i feel is crap because im not begging for food or because im not on my own and trying to make rent.. which is bullshit anyway.. because i WOULD DO ALL THAT IN A HEARTBEAT IF I COULD>>
move out.....take care of myself.. but i cant even get to the store without the help of someone to take me there...
but i feel so selfish because ive been ignoring everyone around me..like shaheena who met an uncle who she hasnt seen in forever.. i missed that! and i feel horrible...
ive been ignoring lauryn wiley because ive been so caught up in my own business that ive failed to notice her as one of my best friends...
ive just been SO fucking lost lately.. i dont know who anyone is anymore.. who i am.. and it completely sucks.. thats all there is to it.. i could sit here and let myself come up with some fancy meaning for it... and try to make it all deep and eligiac..
but in all reality this sucks.. and thats as perfect as it gets..
i feel abandoned...which thusly leads me to anger.. thusly.. leading me to be upset.. im so sad.. that i cant keep up with anyone these days because i cant drive!!!! i hate that everyone is out there.. living their fucking lives and doing things and being able to interact with other people while im sitting in my room alone because im so damn irresponsible.. and i hope all of you fuckasses who decide to takea drive drunk all get what the hell you deserve...
i decided to move in with my father this summer, just to get away from my mother who makes everything so negative for me...who will not let the fact that im homosexual go....
everything thats ever gone wrong in my life she blames it on me being gay, when she needs to get over it. everything is because of my lifestyle and really, its none of her business how i live my life, nor is it anyone elses.... she wont let me forget my DWI, she wont let me forget my dependence... she wont let me forget that shes been there with me for the last 20 years.. she wont let me forget that she controls everything i do.. everything i think and everything i say.. she wont let me go.. she wont let me... and all i want is for her to let me go... for her to leave me alone and let me life for my and not for her anymore which ive been doing.. im sick of this and im sick of her... and its ridiculous because everyone elses mothers seem to understand that hey past 18 its goodbye, to an extent.. but not mine.. shes insane.. and i belong to her and the only way to get out of belonging to her is to leave.. so thats what im going to do..
i talked to my dad and my stepmom for a while last night.. and they kept trying to convince me that im okay and that life has its downs.. and that im not alone in this situation.. and that im going to be okay once i decide to leap and start living for myself other than my mother...
shes just so manipulative though she will convince me that i belong to her
gosh how pathetic do i sound...
i figured this is a lot that ive said.. but i mean.. this is really just a fraction of whats going on..and i figured i dont wanna bore people..so this will be it
adrian
anyway.ive been meaning to update a lot recently i just havent gotten the chance because once i sign on my anger begins to fade. but im going to attempt to do this now and let the internet world know whats going on. Anyway. So its like this... i feel like im in a box...a very small box thats probably the size of a small ups package... trying to breathe and let myself loose but i cant, somehow its just not possible.i cant think outside of this box.. i cant live outside of it.. and i cant let myself see outside of it...somewhat of my own little world but somehow.. its not the kind of little world i would imagine having. I dont think ive been seeing things the way other people have been seeing them... i feel like in a tube.. just trying to find my way out. I came up with an anaology the other day... over how lauryn views driving. since her sense of direction is so bad, she sees the road as a tube.. and not as a map, people who see roads in a map view..know where they are going.. they know every corner.. and every turn to make toi make sure they get to their destination alright. On the other hand. lauryn sees it as a tube.. just guessing her way through.. by making random turns and recognizing signs and billboards to hope that she will get there. The tube is small.. and smothering.. and prevents space from being present. the tube only lets you see SO far..where as a map or birds eye view lets you see the whole picture.. my view of the world and life seems to be this way..traveling in a tube... and mind you im chlostrophobic.. which makes this worse. i dont know how else to put my mindset... its like i dont know who anyone is and no one really knows who i am anymore and im not sure why its been this way.. what brought on this sudden realization of events. Maybe its the arguments with my mother, or the inability to find a job, or the DWI, or the end of school, or trying to find myself as a human being and this is just another part of the process.. maybe its the suspension of a lisence and i have nothing else to do but sit and think to myself. ive been traveling around this city so much and im so unstable that ive finally just concluded to myself that im completely lost. not knowing which way to turn, or which direction to go... and its hard because unlike lauryn, i dont recognize the billboards.. i dont recognize the signs that help me get to my destination... i dont even know what my destination is. is my destination...to be an accomplished human being with tons of acheivements... or is it to just wait til i die...is it to be something great.. or is it to be one of those men in wifebeaters mowing lawns for a living...i dont know...and everyday i feel as if the sides of my tube are getting thinner and thinner suffocating me more and more...and it continues to blind my way everyday...everyday it gets harder and harder to breathe...like maroon 5 says but anyhow..thats exactly how i feel...lost and scared...alone...gasping for more air..and the more i beg..the more air gets taken away from me...
i feel selfish.. and i feel wrong..
my mother, oh my mother has participated so much in this loss... shes insane... and makes me feel as if im nothing..that everything i feel is crap because im not begging for food or because im not on my own and trying to make rent.. which is bullshit anyway.. because i WOULD DO ALL THAT IN A HEARTBEAT IF I COULD>>
move out.....take care of myself.. but i cant even get to the store without the help of someone to take me there...
but i feel so selfish because ive been ignoring everyone around me..like shaheena who met an uncle who she hasnt seen in forever.. i missed that! and i feel horrible...
ive been ignoring lauryn wiley because ive been so caught up in my own business that ive failed to notice her as one of my best friends...
ive just been SO fucking lost lately.. i dont know who anyone is anymore.. who i am.. and it completely sucks.. thats all there is to it.. i could sit here and let myself come up with some fancy meaning for it... and try to make it all deep and eligiac..
but in all reality this sucks.. and thats as perfect as it gets..
i feel abandoned...which thusly leads me to anger.. thusly.. leading me to be upset.. im so sad.. that i cant keep up with anyone these days because i cant drive!!!! i hate that everyone is out there.. living their fucking lives and doing things and being able to interact with other people while im sitting in my room alone because im so damn irresponsible.. and i hope all of you fuckasses who decide to takea drive drunk all get what the hell you deserve...
i decided to move in with my father this summer, just to get away from my mother who makes everything so negative for me...who will not let the fact that im homosexual go....
everything thats ever gone wrong in my life she blames it on me being gay, when she needs to get over it. everything is because of my lifestyle and really, its none of her business how i live my life, nor is it anyone elses.... she wont let me forget my DWI, she wont let me forget my dependence... she wont let me forget that shes been there with me for the last 20 years.. she wont let me forget that she controls everything i do.. everything i think and everything i say.. she wont let me go.. she wont let me... and all i want is for her to let me go... for her to leave me alone and let me life for my and not for her anymore which ive been doing.. im sick of this and im sick of her... and its ridiculous because everyone elses mothers seem to understand that hey past 18 its goodbye, to an extent.. but not mine.. shes insane.. and i belong to her and the only way to get out of belonging to her is to leave.. so thats what im going to do..
i talked to my dad and my stepmom for a while last night.. and they kept trying to convince me that im okay and that life has its downs.. and that im not alone in this situation.. and that im going to be okay once i decide to leap and start living for myself other than my mother...
shes just so manipulative though she will convince me that i belong to her
gosh how pathetic do i sound...
i figured this is a lot that ive said.. but i mean.. this is really just a fraction of whats going on..and i figured i dont wanna bore people..so this will be it
adrian