Random ramblings
So as I told people that asked, I was taking a break last semester from school. This allowed me to do some much needed things in the area of personal health, but besides doing cabaret I've been pretty bored. I also feel that there is a lot of resentment from some of my friends, especially ones from school, about not being at school and not working either. When I mention taking the semester off and that I'm not working I feel people look at me like some giant waste of space, and it's really irritating. It is also pert of my problem, i seem to be the only person bothered by the fact that the only thing important to people in life is work. It may sound lazy, but it really doesn't motivate me to work or anything, in fact it does the opposite. I seem to be the only person that sees the futility in everything. People measure your worth through your pain, and that makes the idea of a prolonged existence almost unbearable. People only seem to run around and measure everyone else's worthiness against the sense of their own. People seem to think that everything they do is important, but nothing really is important. it is important because YOU think it is important. and yeah it sounds like teenage angst, but doesn't stop the fact that that is how I feel. Take a man who is a doctor, and then a man who is a janitor is whole life. the doctor saves lives, the cleanliness the janitor creates can be easily dismissed as unnecessary. but what about the lives the doctor saves? do they amount to something. if the doctor only saves people that end up being janitors, does that actually make him more important than just the janitor? You might say, well that is more than one life so yes. but if his life is meaningless, than you are essentially taking zero and multiplying it by another number, which is still zero. Worth implies that there is a rational system involved with life. Life is abstract and trying to ascribe this kind of system to it seems well, pointless. If you find a cure for cancer, you will save a lot of lives, does that mean your life is worth more than the lives you saved? no, and especially no when life itself has no worth. Life is only worth anything to the person living and influenced by it and ego prevents translation. Currency is only worth anything because of the bank that issues it, there is no central bank to life. That is also why i feel religion has such great appeal, it creates the system that doesn't exist, so that worth can be found by nothing with real value.
Anyway, get away from that tangent, yeah I'm not going to school or working at the moment. say whatever you want, say that everything you do is more important, I'm sure that will make me feel loads better, but really it is only serving your own ego, so you can say it and I can punch you in the face and bruise you physically like years of bullshit have bruised me emotionally. You go ahead and deflect your own since of worthlessness onto me, because I'm sure whatever you are doing is just as worthwhile as nothing. You can't break a broken man, so if you really want to push me, whatever I do or say will only bring YOU down.
On to another point, I don't really know if i will go back to pacific. Going to orchestra this semester and doing just music was great. the fact i never had to socialize with anyone there was great to. But it has become an even greater place of anxiety. I had to do some things the other week there and walking around other areas beyond the music building gave me an anxiety attack. I saw a group of people and I automatically turned and went another direction completely out of my way. They probably would have ignored me, but i couldn't take that chance. The whole time i was walking around i was just anxious and angry and i felt like i was going to lose it. The farther away from that place i get, the better i seem to feel, and being there makes me feel like a crazy person.
My moods seem to flux a lot. It's probably because of not sleeping well, but sometimes I just get really angry, like now, for no real reason, other times I'm I get really fuzzy and nothing seems to work right and i'm real sluggish. But I'm back on a normal sleep schedule, went to bed at 11 and woke up at 8 today. been back probably about a week but i don't feel that different then when my schedule was all fucked.
Anyway, get away from that tangent, yeah I'm not going to school or working at the moment. say whatever you want, say that everything you do is more important, I'm sure that will make me feel loads better, but really it is only serving your own ego, so you can say it and I can punch you in the face and bruise you physically like years of bullshit have bruised me emotionally. You go ahead and deflect your own since of worthlessness onto me, because I'm sure whatever you are doing is just as worthwhile as nothing. You can't break a broken man, so if you really want to push me, whatever I do or say will only bring YOU down.
On to another point, I don't really know if i will go back to pacific. Going to orchestra this semester and doing just music was great. the fact i never had to socialize with anyone there was great to. But it has become an even greater place of anxiety. I had to do some things the other week there and walking around other areas beyond the music building gave me an anxiety attack. I saw a group of people and I automatically turned and went another direction completely out of my way. They probably would have ignored me, but i couldn't take that chance. The whole time i was walking around i was just anxious and angry and i felt like i was going to lose it. The farther away from that place i get, the better i seem to feel, and being there makes me feel like a crazy person.
My moods seem to flux a lot. It's probably because of not sleeping well, but sometimes I just get really angry, like now, for no real reason, other times I'm I get really fuzzy and nothing seems to work right and i'm real sluggish. But I'm back on a normal sleep schedule, went to bed at 11 and woke up at 8 today. been back probably about a week but i don't feel that different then when my schedule was all fucked.