(no subject)
Fri. Nov. 14th; morning
[Private]
I don't know what to say write! My mind is a jumble of thoughts and fears and ... happiness.
Blaise wanted to talk yesterday afternoon. And we all know what that kind of talk means, right? Wrong. I couldn't have been more wrong about anything in my entire life. Well, apart from François, of course.
But, this was the exact opposite! He... asked about why I had been crying. The sneaky Slytherin wasn't asleep as I thought, he was just pretending. I was so sure he'd get up and leave any second. But... he kissed me! He actually kissed me, and told me that he wanted to, that yeah, he's promised himself to only kiss people that are special to him, but he wasn't breaking that promise. He said he loves me!
Oh Merlin! He actually loves me and I don't know what
It felt so good. Finally, I have wanted to kiss him all the time. In the beginning only because it's natural to me to kiss a person I have sex with. Erm, unless it's Professor Snape, of course, because that really wouldn't be natural at all! Am I rambling? Anyway, I've wanted to kiss him... and I've known (I thought) that he didn't want to. Turns out that he's wanted to kiss me almost as long I think.
Is it a dream? I mean, it really is too good to be true!
Then... he put me on the spot. He wanted to know if I have feelings for him, and I was scared he'd leave me if he found out that I do. I know it doesn't make sense. I don't understand everything I do half of the time. He misunderstood me, and he looked as if I had broken his heart. I ... had to tell him. And he didn't leave! He hugged me instead. Hugged me and kissed me... he wants it. For the first time in my life someone wants to be loved by me. I don't know... Can it be that way? How do I know that he won't change his mind once he gets to know me better?
I mean... there's some reason others don't want it. Something in me that turns them away. I've never found out what it is though... Doesn't Blaise see that something? Or is it just that he hasn't detected it yet? I'm happy... but I'm afraid that he'll change his mind and walk away.
I don't want to lose him. To have found love... to feel loved. I've not dared to hope for that the last two years. And then to lose it? Gods, that would hurt so much.
He asked me to break up with Cho. I agreed, because it has been very hard lately to find time to be with her, and to try to make her happy and ... to concentrate on her. Having sex with her hasn't felt right. I've not been fully attentive lately, wanting it to be Blaise. Wanting to feel his body, his cock, instead. It didn't feel as non-right with Draco... why is that? Because he's male? Or because the sex is different with a male than with a female? I have to admit that the slow making love that Cho seems to prefer is... oh it's nice and all that, but... I want more life, more passion! And Blaise... oh yes, that is passion.
I thought sex with him earlier was great... after yesterday and the talk... it's even better. We can't keep our hands off each other. And I'm allowed to love. I don't have to hide it to him. That feels so weird, and I'm still not comfortable saying the words to him. I hope it'll be easier in time. If he still wants it
And now... I'll have to think of a way to tell Cho I can't see her anymore. Not looking forward to that. It's the day before Hogsmeade. Do I tell her before, or after? Which will ruin her weekend the least? What will make her hate me more? Perhaps I can ask Ginny... I'll see if I can talk to her at lunchtime.
[/Private]
[Private]
I don't know what to say write! My mind is a jumble of thoughts and fears and ... happiness.
Blaise wanted to talk yesterday afternoon. And we all know what that kind of talk means, right? Wrong. I couldn't have been more wrong about anything in my entire life. Well, apart from François, of course.
But, this was the exact opposite! He... asked about why I had been crying. The sneaky Slytherin wasn't asleep as I thought, he was just pretending. I was so sure he'd get up and leave any second. But... he kissed me! He actually kissed me, and told me that he wanted to, that yeah, he's promised himself to only kiss people that are special to him, but he wasn't breaking that promise. He said he loves me!
Oh Merlin! He actually loves me and I don't know what
It felt so good. Finally, I have wanted to kiss him all the time. In the beginning only because it's natural to me to kiss a person I have sex with. Erm, unless it's Professor Snape, of course, because that really wouldn't be natural at all! Am I rambling? Anyway, I've wanted to kiss him... and I've known (I thought) that he didn't want to. Turns out that he's wanted to kiss me almost as long I think.
Is it a dream? I mean, it really is too good to be true!
Then... he put me on the spot. He wanted to know if I have feelings for him, and I was scared he'd leave me if he found out that I do. I know it doesn't make sense. I don't understand everything I do half of the time. He misunderstood me, and he looked as if I had broken his heart. I ... had to tell him. And he didn't leave! He hugged me instead. Hugged me and kissed me... he wants it. For the first time in my life someone wants to be loved by me. I don't know... Can it be that way? How do I know that he won't change his mind once he gets to know me better?
I mean... there's some reason others don't want it. Something in me that turns them away. I've never found out what it is though... Doesn't Blaise see that something? Or is it just that he hasn't detected it yet? I'm happy... but I'm afraid that he'll change his mind and walk away.
I don't want to lose him. To have found love... to feel loved. I've not dared to hope for that the last two years. And then to lose it? Gods, that would hurt so much.
He asked me to break up with Cho. I agreed, because it has been very hard lately to find time to be with her, and to try to make her happy and ... to concentrate on her. Having sex with her hasn't felt right. I've not been fully attentive lately, wanting it to be Blaise. Wanting to feel his body, his cock, instead. It didn't feel as non-right with Draco... why is that? Because he's male? Or because the sex is different with a male than with a female? I have to admit that the slow making love that Cho seems to prefer is... oh it's nice and all that, but... I want more life, more passion! And Blaise... oh yes, that is passion.
I thought sex with him earlier was great... after yesterday and the talk... it's even better. We can't keep our hands off each other. And I'm allowed to love. I don't have to hide it to him. That feels so weird, and I'm still not comfortable saying the words to him. I hope it'll be easier in time. If he still wants it
And now... I'll have to think of a way to tell Cho I can't see her anymore. Not looking forward to that. It's the day before Hogsmeade. Do I tell her before, or after? Which will ruin her weekend the least? What will make her hate me more? Perhaps I can ask Ginny... I'll see if I can talk to her at lunchtime.
[/Private]