Hope for the Future

Jan 18, 2007 00:17

Alright well its been awhile since I have written a real entry, but I have just not felt like it.  There is actually quite alot going on, but I have not had it fully processed yet so I was not sure I wanted to write about it until I had it right in my head.. lol thats just how I am.

I dont want this entry to be the emotionally charged/draining entries that you have grown accustomed to these past months but I cant help it if that is what comes out of this entry. I write when I get this nagging feeling that I need to, and everything just comes out in this big jumble.  However, this entry seems to be heading towards a brighter note. I love that I sound like some psychologist analyzing what is going to come out of this entry seeing as I am the one writing it, one would think I had the control over what is said.. but for me.. that is not always the case. I dont know if its a writer thing, or just part of my personality (which I will spare you the explanation of all the little quirks and trinkets that make up Laura.. )but I lose the control when I sit down to write. When I write a story, I have ideas of what I want to happen in them, and how I want to develop the characters, but after I finish it, I look back and it took a completely different direction.. one that I had no control over.. it just kind of happened.. so that is how my entries are alot of time.

I have no idea why I just launched into that whole long explanation that has absolutely nothing to do with anything.. but moving on.. before this whole entry is just me babbling about losing control over my "art".. lol.

I have had some instances happen to me lately that has caused me to ponder about where God is taking me lately and why He puts me in the situations that he does. Lately He and I have not been as tight as we could be, and that is totally my fault. I dont have to remind any of ya'll what a trying year this has been for me and how I have been running scared from God and from everything resemebling reality.. but lately I have felt pretty close to God. Since I started my job, I have complained numerously about it and how much I really dread going and how all the people are just rude and insensitive and all that junk, but I have come to a realization lately.  I knew when I got this job, that there was a reason for it. I knew God wanted me there for a reason, and every time I came home from work I would ask him what that reason was, because I had no idea. For some reason though I was at peace knowing that there was a reason and in time God would show it to me. Well, he has been showing me lately. I have realized that this job is part of me developing my character.  I have been put in situations where I have had to continually make the choice to be different from my coworkers and stand out because I did the right thing, or refused to get involved in all of the crap that goes on there. Awhile ago, one of the waitresses asked me straight out if I was a Christian. I was very puzzled by this, because I had never said anything about it. I told her I was, and asked her how she knew. She told me that I talked about needing Sunday's off for church, and that she could tell by the way I carried myself that I was.  Turns out she is too and that has kind of bonded us lately. Everyone there talks about each other behind their backs, and lies continually and is basically just out for themselves, and I refuse to get sucked into that. I am always nice to everyone, even when I really just want to tell them about how rude they are or whatever. I make a point to not talk about anybody else in a bad light, and stay out of all the drama that goes there. I did not even realize I was doing this, until recently. I have to admit though, it gets harder and harder because when I am around them as much as I am, it is very tempting to act like them.

The other day, I came in to work and was confronted by one of the waiters. He asked me a series of questions about something that happened the day before, and I answered him honestly. It turns out that one of the other employees had lied to him, and brought me into it by saying that I said something that I didn't. I was so angry that something that had absolutely nothing to do with me was being brought on me and I was in the middle of it. It was a lose-lose situation, no matter what I did.. someone was in trouble and someone was angry. I told the truth, and even though I should have felt good about it..I didn't.  Why is it that doing the right thing is so much harder than doing the wrong thing? Because I was honest and told the truth, there are going to be angry people and people are not going to treat me the same way because they know I am not going to cover for them or lie for them. Why should I care? All these things kept swirling around and around in my head and I realized that God is using me there. I need to be a good example for these people, and that is why God put me there. I do not come right out and say "I am a Christian" or get in their face and say they need to change their ways, but my actions are showing them the kind of person I am . I dont say this to toot my own horn or to say "Look at me Look at me" (sorry Ten Things quote) but just to show that God is using me in a way I never knew He was.  I want to give the glory to God in this because if someone looks at me and sees Him, then that is awesome and that is His doing.. not mine.

I am faced with challenges almost every time I work, and I always work through them which is another reason why I feel that this is the right place for me right now. I need to figure out who I am and how God is using me before I can go out into the real world. And now all of a sudden this job and my life has a purpose.. and that is what I have been searching for. I am not going to go and say that everything is fixed now and that I no longer am in the funk that I have been in, but I do feel a little bit better about where I am going. God really does know what He is doing- I never exactly doubted it.. but He has proven it to me anyway.
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