Loose ends chapter 22 - Withdrawn
Snape's withdrawl has past, but that doesn't mean he has recovered. Depression/ some sort of magical mental illness. PG.
This is a work of fan fiction. The world and all recognisable characters belong to J.K. Rowling and I make no claim or profit etc
Withdrawn
Snape slept without waking for nearly four hours, the longest undisturbed rest he’d had since arriving at the farmhouse. It marked the first sign that the withdrawal period was coming to an end. The nightmares and hallucinations continued, but they were less frequent, less intense. Sevvy still appeared at some point every day.
When he wasn’t hallucinating or being Sevvy, Snape was almost silent. He lay on his bed, getting up occasionally to shuffle to the toilet. Lupin managed to get him to brush his teeth, but he refused to have a bath or a shower, or wash his hair. He refused to come to the table to eat, and Lupin or Harry had to coax him into eating in the bedroom.
Nights were still the hardest, as he was still disturbed by nightmares every night. However now that it was only once or twice a night, Lupin began to consider moving Snape, and the spare bed, from Harry’s room and back to Lupin’s. Harry had discovered reserves of patience that he didn’t know he had, but more than two weeks of sharing a room with his former teacher - and former enemy - was quite enough.
Lupin waited until Snape had had several relatively calm nights before deciding to ask him about moving. He took him breakfast and waited while he picked at his porridge without much interest. Snape ate less than half before putting the bowl down on the bedside table.
“Severus, may I speak with you about something?”
Suspicious eyes were immediately on him.
“You seem to be mostly over the Dreamless Sleep withdrawal, do you agree?”
Snape gave a minimal nod.
“How are you finding things? It seems like you are sleeping better.”
Snape slowly nodded again.
“I was thinking…”
Snape looked up, eyes wide, staring directly at him. Before Lupin had a chance to continue, the dark eyes filled with tears.
“Please,” Snape said in a quiet voice, “Lupin, please don’t make me go.”
Snape looked down and began to tremble. He wrapped his arms around himself, and Lupin realised he was afraid of being asked to leave. Once again, Lupin was shocked by the vulnerability of the man who had once seemed so untouchable.
“Severus, I’m not going to make you go. You are welcome here as long as you need to be.”
Snape continued to tremble, tears falling onto the blanket over his legs.
“I’m scared,” he said in a tiny voice.
“Severus, did you hear me? You are welcome here for as long as you need.”
Snape looked up at Lupin, disbelieving. Lupin sighed, silently reminding himself to be patient. He pushed himself up from the chair and moved over to sit beside Snape on the bed. He gently placed his arm around Snape’s shoulders.
“Severus, do you remember what I said to you a couple of weeks back? That Harry, Andromeda and I agreed that we would care for you here, for as long as you needed?”
“I…I’m…I don’t think so. It’s all very…disorganised right now.”
“I see. Well, I did say that. And meant it. I’m not going to make you leave. You are welcome to stay as long as you want to, until you are ready, and you want to go. And right now, you clearly aren’t ready, are you?”
Snape shook his head.
“I thought…you said you thought I was over the withdrawal…so I would have to go.”
“No, Severus. That’s not what I meant. I was going to ask if you would mind if we moved your bed from Harry’s room to my room, now you don’t need so much help at night.”
“Oh.”
“Do you think that would be okay?’
Snape gave a slow nod.
“Okay.”
“Severus, you said just before that you were scared. Can you tell me what you are afraid of?”
“I don’t know. I just…” Snape’s voice was small, distant. “I don’t really know, it’s just a feeling that’s there.”
“Is it attached to a particular memory?” Lupin asked him softly.
Snape shook his head.
“It’s all of them.”
“What about good memories? Ones where you felt happy?”
Snape hesitated.
“I know I have them, because I do come across them occasionally. But… It’s hard to explain. I don’t even know if I understand. It’s like… being in a… a… room, and the floor is… covered… littered with the memories… everywhere… nothing ordered. And I can’t do… without… disturbing the mess… if I do, it’s all… everything. Everything is there, all at once… swirling, so fast… If I catch something…what I find is… it’s all horrible…”
Snape’s voice tailed off.
“I’m not making sense, am I?”
“A little, Severus,” Lupin replied. “It sounds like you are saying that all your memories are disorganised, and if you to look at them, you aren’t sure what you will find, but mostly you find bad memories.”
Snape nodded, a trace of relief on his face.
“But I need the memories to do anything. It’s… easier not to.”
He hung his head again, and Lupin’s hand gently squeezed his shoulder.
“Is that why you don’t really feel like doing anything, why you are just lying on your bed?”
Snape sighed.
“I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay, Severus. It’s just good that I can understand what is going on.” Lupin paused, his arm still around Snape’s shoulders, holding him close. “Do you think it’s better or worse than when you were taking the Dreamless Sleep?”
“I… don’t know. It’s different. It’s…I don’t know.”
Lupin felt the way Snape’s body slumped against him. He debated whether to continue the conversation, or let the man rest. Eventually, realising that it was rare enough that Snape would even respond to questions with more than a single word, he continued.
“Can you describe what it was like, when you were taking the Dreamless Sleep?”
“It was slower…in my mind. The memories… when I looked for them… they would move… not so much. But they were harder to see… grey… unfocused…”
“And now?”
“Brighter… sharper… but they move so fast… it makes me so tired…”
Snape leaned his head against Lupin’s shoulder.
“Do you need to rest, Severus?” Lupin asked, in almost a whisper. Snape’s head nodded against his shoulder, and he realised that the question was a little late.
Lupin levitated Snape off his shoulder, laid him back down on the bed and covered him with a blanket. Returning to his chair, he took a piece of parchment from his pocket and unfolded it carefully. Wormwood had written every couple of days to ask whether he could visit his former teacher. Lupin had reluctantly described Snape’s reaction to Clarridge’s visit, and pointed out that if Snape had been unable to cope with a visit from his favourite relation, then his favourite student may also be too much for him to cope with. Wormwood had not ceased his requests, but the tone of the letters was now less insistent.
“Dear Remus,
I hope that Professor Snape…”
Lupin smiled. It had taken three months of “please, call me Remus” for Wormwood to stop referring to him as “Professor Lupin”.
“is continuing to recover well. Please do let me know if he is feeling up to a visitor. You mentioned that he was interested in hearing about the brewing of Postlune at some stage. I will be brewing this month’s batch before the first night of the waxing gibbous moon (this coming Thursday), and if he would be interested in joining me in the lab to observe and perhaps offer any comments on my technique, he would be most welcome. Of course, there will always be next month if he is not able to this time.
Yours sincerely,
Wormwood Fox”
Lupin looked at the sleeping man. It seemed unlikely he’d be able to cope with a visit to the Institute’s laboratory in his current state. On the other hand, perhaps it would help him recall some better memories. And Wormwood was not as naïve as he appeared. Inviting Snape to “offer comments on his technique”? Few men would be brave enough to give Snape an open invitation to criticise, but it was an approach that might just work. Yes, Lupin thought, perhaps now was the time for a visit from Wormwood. And more than that, it was time to find the better memories that Snape was having such trouble recalling.
This is a work of fan fiction. The world and all recognisable characters belong to J.K. Rowling and I make no claim or profit etc
Withdrawn
Snape slept without waking for nearly four hours, the longest undisturbed rest he’d had since arriving at the farmhouse. It marked the first sign that the withdrawal period was coming to an end. The nightmares and hallucinations continued, but they were less frequent, less intense. Sevvy still appeared at some point every day.
When he wasn’t hallucinating or being Sevvy, Snape was almost silent. He lay on his bed, getting up occasionally to shuffle to the toilet. Lupin managed to get him to brush his teeth, but he refused to have a bath or a shower, or wash his hair. He refused to come to the table to eat, and Lupin or Harry had to coax him into eating in the bedroom.
Nights were still the hardest, as he was still disturbed by nightmares every night. However now that it was only once or twice a night, Lupin began to consider moving Snape, and the spare bed, from Harry’s room and back to Lupin’s. Harry had discovered reserves of patience that he didn’t know he had, but more than two weeks of sharing a room with his former teacher - and former enemy - was quite enough.
Lupin waited until Snape had had several relatively calm nights before deciding to ask him about moving. He took him breakfast and waited while he picked at his porridge without much interest. Snape ate less than half before putting the bowl down on the bedside table.
“Severus, may I speak with you about something?”
Suspicious eyes were immediately on him.
“You seem to be mostly over the Dreamless Sleep withdrawal, do you agree?”
Snape gave a minimal nod.
“How are you finding things? It seems like you are sleeping better.”
Snape slowly nodded again.
“I was thinking…”
Snape looked up, eyes wide, staring directly at him. Before Lupin had a chance to continue, the dark eyes filled with tears.
“Please,” Snape said in a quiet voice, “Lupin, please don’t make me go.”
Snape looked down and began to tremble. He wrapped his arms around himself, and Lupin realised he was afraid of being asked to leave. Once again, Lupin was shocked by the vulnerability of the man who had once seemed so untouchable.
“Severus, I’m not going to make you go. You are welcome here as long as you need to be.”
Snape continued to tremble, tears falling onto the blanket over his legs.
“I’m scared,” he said in a tiny voice.
“Severus, did you hear me? You are welcome here for as long as you need.”
Snape looked up at Lupin, disbelieving. Lupin sighed, silently reminding himself to be patient. He pushed himself up from the chair and moved over to sit beside Snape on the bed. He gently placed his arm around Snape’s shoulders.
“Severus, do you remember what I said to you a couple of weeks back? That Harry, Andromeda and I agreed that we would care for you here, for as long as you needed?”
“I…I’m…I don’t think so. It’s all very…disorganised right now.”
“I see. Well, I did say that. And meant it. I’m not going to make you leave. You are welcome to stay as long as you want to, until you are ready, and you want to go. And right now, you clearly aren’t ready, are you?”
Snape shook his head.
“I thought…you said you thought I was over the withdrawal…so I would have to go.”
“No, Severus. That’s not what I meant. I was going to ask if you would mind if we moved your bed from Harry’s room to my room, now you don’t need so much help at night.”
“Oh.”
“Do you think that would be okay?’
Snape gave a slow nod.
“Okay.”
“Severus, you said just before that you were scared. Can you tell me what you are afraid of?”
“I don’t know. I just…” Snape’s voice was small, distant. “I don’t really know, it’s just a feeling that’s there.”
“Is it attached to a particular memory?” Lupin asked him softly.
Snape shook his head.
“It’s all of them.”
“What about good memories? Ones where you felt happy?”
Snape hesitated.
“I know I have them, because I do come across them occasionally. But… It’s hard to explain. I don’t even know if I understand. It’s like… being in a… a… room, and the floor is… covered… littered with the memories… everywhere… nothing ordered. And I can’t do… without… disturbing the mess… if I do, it’s all… everything. Everything is there, all at once… swirling, so fast… If I catch something…what I find is… it’s all horrible…”
Snape’s voice tailed off.
“I’m not making sense, am I?”
“A little, Severus,” Lupin replied. “It sounds like you are saying that all your memories are disorganised, and if you to look at them, you aren’t sure what you will find, but mostly you find bad memories.”
Snape nodded, a trace of relief on his face.
“But I need the memories to do anything. It’s… easier not to.”
He hung his head again, and Lupin’s hand gently squeezed his shoulder.
“Is that why you don’t really feel like doing anything, why you are just lying on your bed?”
Snape sighed.
“I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay, Severus. It’s just good that I can understand what is going on.” Lupin paused, his arm still around Snape’s shoulders, holding him close. “Do you think it’s better or worse than when you were taking the Dreamless Sleep?”
“I… don’t know. It’s different. It’s…I don’t know.”
Lupin felt the way Snape’s body slumped against him. He debated whether to continue the conversation, or let the man rest. Eventually, realising that it was rare enough that Snape would even respond to questions with more than a single word, he continued.
“Can you describe what it was like, when you were taking the Dreamless Sleep?”
“It was slower…in my mind. The memories… when I looked for them… they would move… not so much. But they were harder to see… grey… unfocused…”
“And now?”
“Brighter… sharper… but they move so fast… it makes me so tired…”
Snape leaned his head against Lupin’s shoulder.
“Do you need to rest, Severus?” Lupin asked, in almost a whisper. Snape’s head nodded against his shoulder, and he realised that the question was a little late.
Lupin levitated Snape off his shoulder, laid him back down on the bed and covered him with a blanket. Returning to his chair, he took a piece of parchment from his pocket and unfolded it carefully. Wormwood had written every couple of days to ask whether he could visit his former teacher. Lupin had reluctantly described Snape’s reaction to Clarridge’s visit, and pointed out that if Snape had been unable to cope with a visit from his favourite relation, then his favourite student may also be too much for him to cope with. Wormwood had not ceased his requests, but the tone of the letters was now less insistent.
“Dear Remus,
I hope that Professor Snape…”
Lupin smiled. It had taken three months of “please, call me Remus” for Wormwood to stop referring to him as “Professor Lupin”.
“is continuing to recover well. Please do let me know if he is feeling up to a visitor. You mentioned that he was interested in hearing about the brewing of Postlune at some stage. I will be brewing this month’s batch before the first night of the waxing gibbous moon (this coming Thursday), and if he would be interested in joining me in the lab to observe and perhaps offer any comments on my technique, he would be most welcome. Of course, there will always be next month if he is not able to this time.
Yours sincerely,
Wormwood Fox”
Lupin looked at the sleeping man. It seemed unlikely he’d be able to cope with a visit to the Institute’s laboratory in his current state. On the other hand, perhaps it would help him recall some better memories. And Wormwood was not as naïve as he appeared. Inviting Snape to “offer comments on his technique”? Few men would be brave enough to give Snape an open invitation to criticise, but it was an approach that might just work. Yes, Lupin thought, perhaps now was the time for a visit from Wormwood. And more than that, it was time to find the better memories that Snape was having such trouble recalling.