Loose ends chapter 20 - Visitor
Snape's favourite cousin visits, but Snape isn't happy to see him. Reference to child abuse, swearing, more unrelenting angst. R.
This is a work of fan fiction. The world and all recognisable characters belong to J.K. Rowling and I make no claim or profit etc
Visitor
Lupin drifted into a restless sleep, only to be woken again by horrific screaming. The agonised sound echoed through the house, Lupin felt the screams jolt through him almost like a physical pain as he tried desperately to get himself out of bed. He heard Teddy begin to cry, hurrying feet, voices, Grimmy barking and over that the screams going on and on.
Then, as suddenly as they had begun, they stopped. The sound of Teddy crying suddenly appeared very loud as Harry walked into Lupin’s room, carrying the boy who was now calling for his father. Lupin reached out, taking the frightened child in his arm and pressing him to his chest.
“What in Merlin’s name just happened?”
Clarridge stepped into the room after Harry. Both looked shaken.
“I don’t think he was keen to see me.”
Clarridge’s voice was light, but his face was not.
“What exactly happened?”
“I walked in, Severus had his back to the door. I spoke to Harry, who was there beside him. Severus rolled over and looked at me, then started screaming. He only stopped when Andromeda came and cast a sedating spell. She’s with him now.”
Lupin looked at Harry.
“How had he been before? Anything unusual?”
Harry shook his head.
“Sullen, uncommunicative. Basically normal. He wasn’t obviously hallucinating anything, although a couple of times he thought I was my father.”
“Any sign of Sevvy?”
Harry shook his head.
Lupin looked thoughtfully at Clarridge, noting the family resemblance.
“Clarridge, do you look like your relatives?”
“I’m afraid I do. It’s been rather disconcerting as I’ve got older, I’ve grown to look more and more like them. There’s a typical Prince look, and I’m it.”
“So you’d look like your…” Lupin paused, not wanting to give anything away. “Like your father or grandfather, or uncles or great-uncles.”
“Oh yes, all of them. Especially my grandfather and his brothers, the three of them were all very alike, typical Princes. Powerful wizards, arrogant and mean to the bone. I’m glad I only inherited the looks to be honest. Took me years to get to that realisation, but I’m grateful I was a squib, would not have wanted to turn out like them.”
Lupin put his hand to his face. He knew now just what Snape had seen, what had so terrified him.
“You okay, Remus?” Clarridge asked.
“I need to see him,” Lupin said suddenly.
“Severus?”
Lupin nodded.
“Remus, you’ve gone completely pale, are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine,” Lupin lied. He felt sick. How terrified must Snape have been to see his grandfather or one of his great-uncles? “I’m fine. I just… I…I need to know Severus is alright. That screaming did give me a fright.”
Clarridge looked closely at Lupin. He had once worked closely with the werewolf and could read him better than most. Something was up, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to work out what it was unless Lupin chose to tell him. Around the full moon, the werewolf couldn’t always cover his emotions, but he was still a convincing liar.
Harry stepped forward to help Lupin to his chair, not noticing the signs that Clarridge did. He took Lupin, Teddy still in his arms, through to see Snape with Grimmy following. Clarridge held back, out of sight, pondering just what it was that had terrified his cousin so badly, and what it was that had upset Lupin.
Snape was huddled on the farthest corner of the bed, leaning against the wall, his eyes flicking anxiously from Andromeda to the door. His face was frightened still - Andromeda’s spell had stopped the screaming but hadn’t reassured Snape that he was safe. He was still shaking, apparently fear rather than post-Cruciatus, and had evidently lost control of both bladder and bowels in his terror. Harry took the now calmer Teddy from Lupin, and left the room. As Andromeda brought Lupin’s chair closer, Snape drew away, trying to flatten himself against the wall.
“Severus?” Lupin said gently.
No response.
“Severus, can you hear me?”
Snape’s eyes went distant, the way it did when he was trying to escape in his mind. Once that happened, Sevvy was not usually far away.
“Sevvy?” Lupin said.
Wide eyes were suddenly fixed on him.
“Sevvy, do you remember me?”
The face creased in concentration and confusion. Lupin gently introduced himself and Andromeda, as he did each time Sevvy appeared, since Lupin had realised that while Sevvy did recognise them as familiar, he didn’t clearly remember his previous episodes without reminding. Lupin noticed a slight relaxation in the tense body, then suddenly Snape began to cry.
“Sevvy, what’s the matter? Why are you crying?”
Andromeda helped Lupin onto the bed beside Snape, and he wrapped his arm around him.
“What’s wrong, Sevvy?”
“I…I don’t know.”
Snape leaned his head on Lupin’s shoulder and clung to him, sobbing and whimpering.
“You are crying but you don’t know why?”
The irony wasted on him, Snape simply nodded into Lupin’s shoulder.
“Oh, Sevvy, it’s alright” Lupin replied, gently stroking the back of his head. After a few minutes, Snape calmed down, loosening his grip on Lupin’s arms and lifting his head up, leaving a snotty mark on Lupin’s shirt. He stayed leaning against Lupin though, not ready to let go.
“Are you okay now, Sevvy?” Lupin asked him.
Snape nodded hesitantly.
“Can you tell me why you were crying before?”
“I…I’m not sure,” Snape replied in a small voice. “Sometimes I just feel like crying.”
Snape looked down, the hanging hair failing to mask the misery on his face. Lupin sighed. He had been no stranger to the feeling himself as a child. And, he admitted to himself, even now.
“Sevvy, I think it might be a good idea if you changed your clothes.”
Snape looked up at Lupin, and then quickly back down, as the realisation dawned on him that he had soiled himself. Tears formed in his eyes again.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said in a small voice, panic immediately rising.
“Sevvy, it’s okay. I’m just saying that you should get changed. I’m not angry.”
“But I’m disgusting.”
“You’re not disgusting Sevvy.”
Snape shook his head, becoming agitated. His body tensed and his breath began to come in strangled gasps.
“I’m a disgusting little freak. I’m a filthy fucking cunt. I’m a useless little shit…”
“Sevvy, hush now. That’s not true.”
“I’m a dirty fucker, a fucking stupid fucking horrible digusting…”
“Sevvy,” Lupin said, his voice calm but firmer. “You are not disgusting or useless or any of those things. Please stop saying so.”
The tone of Lupin’s voice seemed to cut through Snape’s panic, and he looked up at Lupin, eyes confused, breathing ragged. Lupin rested his hand heavily on Snape’s shoulder and Snape wrapped both his hands around Lupin’s arm.
“Father… says so. When I… I… make a… mess.”
“Does that happen often Sevvy?”
Snape paused, trying to steady his breath. He gripped Lupin’s arm hard enough to hurt.
“When I make him angry, and I get scared. And then…it makes him more angry. And…he…”
Snape began to sob again, and Lupin once again wrapped his arm around him in reassurance. But Snape wasn’t finished.
“He…puts me in the bath…” he said between sobs, “he…he… he puts my face under…can’t breathe…filthy fucking freak…don’t like water…scared…”
“Shh, shh Sevvy, it’s okay now, nobody will hurt you here.”
As Snape clung to him, Lupin whispered reassurances that he was safe, and gently rocked him. This time, Snape seemed to take longer to calm down, the distress deeper and harder to soothe away. Lupin continued to rock him as Snape clung in in desperation. Eventually, the strong hands that held Lupin’s arms relaxed and Snape’s breathing steadied.
“Sevvy, do you think we could get you cleaned up now? No water - Andromeda can do a spell, but it might be better to change clothes, it will feel cleaner than just with a spell.”
A wary Snape consented to being cleaned up, and reluctantly shed his clothes before allowing Lupin to help him into clean underwear, shirt and trousers. Andromeda then handed him a clean robe. He sat on the edge of the bed awkwardly, fiddling with the buttons. Lupin could see on his face just how exhausted he was.
“Sevvy, would you like to see your cousin Clarridge?”
Snape looked up from his buttoning, his eyes flicking nervously from Lupin to Andromeda.
“Just Clarridge?”
“Yes, just Clarridge.”
“Not his brothers? Or anyone else?”
“Just Clarridge.”
After a pause, Snape nodded.
“Well Clarridge has come to see you. When you have finished getting dressed, you could see him. And then maybe after that you could have a rest. I think you might be a bit tired.”
Snape nodded, and his face brightened slightly. He returned to concentrating on his buttons.
“Okay, Sevvy. But I just have to tell you that Clarridge had been a little bit sick lately. He’s looking a bit tired, and his hair has gone a bit grey, like mine has. So he might look a bit older to you, but it’s still Clarridge, okay?”
Snape nodded again. Lupin had found Harry quite suggestible when he was coming off Dreamless Sleep, and Snape seemed similar. He hoped this would work and that Snape would imagine that the nearly fifty year old Clarridge was more like fifteen. Instead of screaming the house down again because he thought he saw his grandfather. Lupin asked Andromeda to get Clarridge, and cast muffling charms, just in case.
Clarridge walked nervously into the room. Evidently he had been waiting just outside.
“Hello Sevvy,” he said.
Snape stared silently at him.
“Has Remus been looking after you well?”
Lupin watched in fascination as Snape suddenly smiled. The smile transformed his face, it was a child’s smile, innocent and trusting, even though Sevvy clearly hadn’t been a particularly innocent and trusting child. Clarridge stepped forward and wrapped him in a hug.
“Do you like staying with Remus?” Clarridge asked, when Snape finally loosened his grip.
“Yes,” Snape replied. “He’s got a dog.”
“Really? What sort of dog?”
“A black one. He’s big.”
“Is he as big as Nipper?”
“Nipper’s not a big dog.”
“No, I suppose he isn’t. So, have you been a good boy for Remus while you are staying here?”
Suddenly Snape’s smile faded and he looked worried. With downcast eyes, biting his lip, he shook his head.
“Of course he’s been a good boy,” Lupin said gently, reaching across to put a hand on Snape’s arm. Snape looked up at him in surprise - he clearly didn’t expect to be considered good. “He’s been very helpful with Grimmy. Sevvy, why don’t you find Grimmy and show Clarridge some of the tricks he can do?”
“Okay.”
Snape went looking for Grimmy, and Clarridge gave Lupin a concerned look.
“Shit,” he said. “I heard some of the exchange with Sevvy when I was standing outside the room. Is he like this often?”
“A fair bit since we picked him up from the hospital. He often seems to get like this when he gets upset - he seems to retreat from reality by hiding in memories, although I don’t think he’s doing it intentionally. Unfortunately he stays like this until he goes to sleep.”
“He seems quite sweet, it might be an improvement.”
Lupin shook his head.
“He’s not so bad right now, but he’s pretty much like you descirbed him as a child. So he gets clingy and demanding, and he’s easily upset. A hysterical six-year old in an adult body can be quite dangerous. Teddy’s picked up a few new words I’d rather he didn’t know too. And…it’s impossible to get him to wash. I didn’t realise why until now.”
Clarridge sighed and looked sadly at Lupin.
“He was always grubby when I saw him as a child. I would see him at family gatherings, and you’d have thought that if he’d been clean anytime it would have been then. Poor kid. When I knew him as a child, I had no idea how to read the signs, but in hindsight it’s obvious what was going on, what he went through. The poor kid.”
Clarridge gave another sigh.
“I’ve been so worried about him, but I’ve been at loss about what to do. You have no idea how grateful I am that you are caring for him. If there’s anything I can do…”
“Thanks, Clarridge. Just visiting sometimes helps. I don’t really know what else. But obviously Sevvy is happy to see you, even if we have some problems with the older versions of Severus.”
Snape returned with Grimmy following him, and proceeded to demonstrate some of Grimmy’s repertoire of tricks - sitting, shaking hands and rolling over. He also demonstrated an alarming new trick that Lupin didn’t want to see added to Grimmy’s repertoire, the huge dog standing on his hind legs with his front paws on Snape’s shoulders, and licking his face. Snape, however, just laughed. Lupin struggled to remember Snape ever laughing, and ignored the dog’s behaviour, resolving to discourage it later.
“Sevvy, are you hungry?” Andromeda asked.
He nodded.
“Why don’t we go into the kitchen and have some morning tea? Clarridge?”
“That would be lovely, thank you.”
“Remus, you look like you need some more sleep. Clarridge and Sevvy, how about you go into the kitchen and I will help Remus back to bed them come and join you? And then maybe after that you could go into the garden with Grimmy.”
Snape nodded and took Clarridge’s hand, leading him from the room, while Andromeda helped Remus back to bed.
This is a work of fan fiction. The world and all recognisable characters belong to J.K. Rowling and I make no claim or profit etc
Visitor
Lupin drifted into a restless sleep, only to be woken again by horrific screaming. The agonised sound echoed through the house, Lupin felt the screams jolt through him almost like a physical pain as he tried desperately to get himself out of bed. He heard Teddy begin to cry, hurrying feet, voices, Grimmy barking and over that the screams going on and on.
Then, as suddenly as they had begun, they stopped. The sound of Teddy crying suddenly appeared very loud as Harry walked into Lupin’s room, carrying the boy who was now calling for his father. Lupin reached out, taking the frightened child in his arm and pressing him to his chest.
“What in Merlin’s name just happened?”
Clarridge stepped into the room after Harry. Both looked shaken.
“I don’t think he was keen to see me.”
Clarridge’s voice was light, but his face was not.
“What exactly happened?”
“I walked in, Severus had his back to the door. I spoke to Harry, who was there beside him. Severus rolled over and looked at me, then started screaming. He only stopped when Andromeda came and cast a sedating spell. She’s with him now.”
Lupin looked at Harry.
“How had he been before? Anything unusual?”
Harry shook his head.
“Sullen, uncommunicative. Basically normal. He wasn’t obviously hallucinating anything, although a couple of times he thought I was my father.”
“Any sign of Sevvy?”
Harry shook his head.
Lupin looked thoughtfully at Clarridge, noting the family resemblance.
“Clarridge, do you look like your relatives?”
“I’m afraid I do. It’s been rather disconcerting as I’ve got older, I’ve grown to look more and more like them. There’s a typical Prince look, and I’m it.”
“So you’d look like your…” Lupin paused, not wanting to give anything away. “Like your father or grandfather, or uncles or great-uncles.”
“Oh yes, all of them. Especially my grandfather and his brothers, the three of them were all very alike, typical Princes. Powerful wizards, arrogant and mean to the bone. I’m glad I only inherited the looks to be honest. Took me years to get to that realisation, but I’m grateful I was a squib, would not have wanted to turn out like them.”
Lupin put his hand to his face. He knew now just what Snape had seen, what had so terrified him.
“You okay, Remus?” Clarridge asked.
“I need to see him,” Lupin said suddenly.
“Severus?”
Lupin nodded.
“Remus, you’ve gone completely pale, are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine,” Lupin lied. He felt sick. How terrified must Snape have been to see his grandfather or one of his great-uncles? “I’m fine. I just… I…I need to know Severus is alright. That screaming did give me a fright.”
Clarridge looked closely at Lupin. He had once worked closely with the werewolf and could read him better than most. Something was up, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to work out what it was unless Lupin chose to tell him. Around the full moon, the werewolf couldn’t always cover his emotions, but he was still a convincing liar.
Harry stepped forward to help Lupin to his chair, not noticing the signs that Clarridge did. He took Lupin, Teddy still in his arms, through to see Snape with Grimmy following. Clarridge held back, out of sight, pondering just what it was that had terrified his cousin so badly, and what it was that had upset Lupin.
Snape was huddled on the farthest corner of the bed, leaning against the wall, his eyes flicking anxiously from Andromeda to the door. His face was frightened still - Andromeda’s spell had stopped the screaming but hadn’t reassured Snape that he was safe. He was still shaking, apparently fear rather than post-Cruciatus, and had evidently lost control of both bladder and bowels in his terror. Harry took the now calmer Teddy from Lupin, and left the room. As Andromeda brought Lupin’s chair closer, Snape drew away, trying to flatten himself against the wall.
“Severus?” Lupin said gently.
No response.
“Severus, can you hear me?”
Snape’s eyes went distant, the way it did when he was trying to escape in his mind. Once that happened, Sevvy was not usually far away.
“Sevvy?” Lupin said.
Wide eyes were suddenly fixed on him.
“Sevvy, do you remember me?”
The face creased in concentration and confusion. Lupin gently introduced himself and Andromeda, as he did each time Sevvy appeared, since Lupin had realised that while Sevvy did recognise them as familiar, he didn’t clearly remember his previous episodes without reminding. Lupin noticed a slight relaxation in the tense body, then suddenly Snape began to cry.
“Sevvy, what’s the matter? Why are you crying?”
Andromeda helped Lupin onto the bed beside Snape, and he wrapped his arm around him.
“What’s wrong, Sevvy?”
“I…I don’t know.”
Snape leaned his head on Lupin’s shoulder and clung to him, sobbing and whimpering.
“You are crying but you don’t know why?”
The irony wasted on him, Snape simply nodded into Lupin’s shoulder.
“Oh, Sevvy, it’s alright” Lupin replied, gently stroking the back of his head. After a few minutes, Snape calmed down, loosening his grip on Lupin’s arms and lifting his head up, leaving a snotty mark on Lupin’s shirt. He stayed leaning against Lupin though, not ready to let go.
“Are you okay now, Sevvy?” Lupin asked him.
Snape nodded hesitantly.
“Can you tell me why you were crying before?”
“I…I’m not sure,” Snape replied in a small voice. “Sometimes I just feel like crying.”
Snape looked down, the hanging hair failing to mask the misery on his face. Lupin sighed. He had been no stranger to the feeling himself as a child. And, he admitted to himself, even now.
“Sevvy, I think it might be a good idea if you changed your clothes.”
Snape looked up at Lupin, and then quickly back down, as the realisation dawned on him that he had soiled himself. Tears formed in his eyes again.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said in a small voice, panic immediately rising.
“Sevvy, it’s okay. I’m just saying that you should get changed. I’m not angry.”
“But I’m disgusting.”
“You’re not disgusting Sevvy.”
Snape shook his head, becoming agitated. His body tensed and his breath began to come in strangled gasps.
“I’m a disgusting little freak. I’m a filthy fucking cunt. I’m a useless little shit…”
“Sevvy, hush now. That’s not true.”
“I’m a dirty fucker, a fucking stupid fucking horrible digusting…”
“Sevvy,” Lupin said, his voice calm but firmer. “You are not disgusting or useless or any of those things. Please stop saying so.”
The tone of Lupin’s voice seemed to cut through Snape’s panic, and he looked up at Lupin, eyes confused, breathing ragged. Lupin rested his hand heavily on Snape’s shoulder and Snape wrapped both his hands around Lupin’s arm.
“Father… says so. When I… I… make a… mess.”
“Does that happen often Sevvy?”
Snape paused, trying to steady his breath. He gripped Lupin’s arm hard enough to hurt.
“When I make him angry, and I get scared. And then…it makes him more angry. And…he…”
Snape began to sob again, and Lupin once again wrapped his arm around him in reassurance. But Snape wasn’t finished.
“He…puts me in the bath…” he said between sobs, “he…he… he puts my face under…can’t breathe…filthy fucking freak…don’t like water…scared…”
“Shh, shh Sevvy, it’s okay now, nobody will hurt you here.”
As Snape clung to him, Lupin whispered reassurances that he was safe, and gently rocked him. This time, Snape seemed to take longer to calm down, the distress deeper and harder to soothe away. Lupin continued to rock him as Snape clung in in desperation. Eventually, the strong hands that held Lupin’s arms relaxed and Snape’s breathing steadied.
“Sevvy, do you think we could get you cleaned up now? No water - Andromeda can do a spell, but it might be better to change clothes, it will feel cleaner than just with a spell.”
A wary Snape consented to being cleaned up, and reluctantly shed his clothes before allowing Lupin to help him into clean underwear, shirt and trousers. Andromeda then handed him a clean robe. He sat on the edge of the bed awkwardly, fiddling with the buttons. Lupin could see on his face just how exhausted he was.
“Sevvy, would you like to see your cousin Clarridge?”
Snape looked up from his buttoning, his eyes flicking nervously from Lupin to Andromeda.
“Just Clarridge?”
“Yes, just Clarridge.”
“Not his brothers? Or anyone else?”
“Just Clarridge.”
After a pause, Snape nodded.
“Well Clarridge has come to see you. When you have finished getting dressed, you could see him. And then maybe after that you could have a rest. I think you might be a bit tired.”
Snape nodded, and his face brightened slightly. He returned to concentrating on his buttons.
“Okay, Sevvy. But I just have to tell you that Clarridge had been a little bit sick lately. He’s looking a bit tired, and his hair has gone a bit grey, like mine has. So he might look a bit older to you, but it’s still Clarridge, okay?”
Snape nodded again. Lupin had found Harry quite suggestible when he was coming off Dreamless Sleep, and Snape seemed similar. He hoped this would work and that Snape would imagine that the nearly fifty year old Clarridge was more like fifteen. Instead of screaming the house down again because he thought he saw his grandfather. Lupin asked Andromeda to get Clarridge, and cast muffling charms, just in case.
Clarridge walked nervously into the room. Evidently he had been waiting just outside.
“Hello Sevvy,” he said.
Snape stared silently at him.
“Has Remus been looking after you well?”
Lupin watched in fascination as Snape suddenly smiled. The smile transformed his face, it was a child’s smile, innocent and trusting, even though Sevvy clearly hadn’t been a particularly innocent and trusting child. Clarridge stepped forward and wrapped him in a hug.
“Do you like staying with Remus?” Clarridge asked, when Snape finally loosened his grip.
“Yes,” Snape replied. “He’s got a dog.”
“Really? What sort of dog?”
“A black one. He’s big.”
“Is he as big as Nipper?”
“Nipper’s not a big dog.”
“No, I suppose he isn’t. So, have you been a good boy for Remus while you are staying here?”
Suddenly Snape’s smile faded and he looked worried. With downcast eyes, biting his lip, he shook his head.
“Of course he’s been a good boy,” Lupin said gently, reaching across to put a hand on Snape’s arm. Snape looked up at him in surprise - he clearly didn’t expect to be considered good. “He’s been very helpful with Grimmy. Sevvy, why don’t you find Grimmy and show Clarridge some of the tricks he can do?”
“Okay.”
Snape went looking for Grimmy, and Clarridge gave Lupin a concerned look.
“Shit,” he said. “I heard some of the exchange with Sevvy when I was standing outside the room. Is he like this often?”
“A fair bit since we picked him up from the hospital. He often seems to get like this when he gets upset - he seems to retreat from reality by hiding in memories, although I don’t think he’s doing it intentionally. Unfortunately he stays like this until he goes to sleep.”
“He seems quite sweet, it might be an improvement.”
Lupin shook his head.
“He’s not so bad right now, but he’s pretty much like you descirbed him as a child. So he gets clingy and demanding, and he’s easily upset. A hysterical six-year old in an adult body can be quite dangerous. Teddy’s picked up a few new words I’d rather he didn’t know too. And…it’s impossible to get him to wash. I didn’t realise why until now.”
Clarridge sighed and looked sadly at Lupin.
“He was always grubby when I saw him as a child. I would see him at family gatherings, and you’d have thought that if he’d been clean anytime it would have been then. Poor kid. When I knew him as a child, I had no idea how to read the signs, but in hindsight it’s obvious what was going on, what he went through. The poor kid.”
Clarridge gave another sigh.
“I’ve been so worried about him, but I’ve been at loss about what to do. You have no idea how grateful I am that you are caring for him. If there’s anything I can do…”
“Thanks, Clarridge. Just visiting sometimes helps. I don’t really know what else. But obviously Sevvy is happy to see you, even if we have some problems with the older versions of Severus.”
Snape returned with Grimmy following him, and proceeded to demonstrate some of Grimmy’s repertoire of tricks - sitting, shaking hands and rolling over. He also demonstrated an alarming new trick that Lupin didn’t want to see added to Grimmy’s repertoire, the huge dog standing on his hind legs with his front paws on Snape’s shoulders, and licking his face. Snape, however, just laughed. Lupin struggled to remember Snape ever laughing, and ignored the dog’s behaviour, resolving to discourage it later.
“Sevvy, are you hungry?” Andromeda asked.
He nodded.
“Why don’t we go into the kitchen and have some morning tea? Clarridge?”
“That would be lovely, thank you.”
“Remus, you look like you need some more sleep. Clarridge and Sevvy, how about you go into the kitchen and I will help Remus back to bed them come and join you? And then maybe after that you could go into the garden with Grimmy.”
Snape nodded and took Clarridge’s hand, leading him from the room, while Andromeda helped Remus back to bed.