(no subject)
don't read this unless you really consider me a friend,
I've come to the realization that I have done nothing but throw my life away, I was going to a school I loved, with people I loved, and I threw that away for a few laughs and some fun, I had the trust of my parents and I shot that to hell so that I could get drunk/high, I had a girlfriend I loved and I gave her up for the school I then gave up, I now have another girlfriend I love very much, but I am ready to give that up because I have realized, I am not deserveing of her, I do not really have any reason that she is still with me, I've wasted all of my life doing whatever seems fun at the moment, and where has that gotten me?
it has gotten me to the point where staying in school will only keep me back another year before I can graduate, I have two cavities that are not very bad now but won't go away on thier own and my parents won't pay for them to be fixed, I can't play the sport I love because I can't run at the moment due to other medical reasons, and all of my friends are to wrapped up to help me when I need help, I can't pick friends who will return the favor of friendship in a time of need, I can't hold onto the friends that do, and now I'm here alone, bitching on livejournal because I needed to get that all out and no one would listen because they are all to busy worrying about who likes them or what rumurs are being spread about them, I get repaid for listening to thier concerns by them starting rumours about me and ignoreing me, well fuck it, if they want me to stop smokeing, to stop drinking, and to stop getting high, then they have to fucking deal with MY needs for friendship and stop worrying about what else is going on.
I know I sound selfish, I know I sound like a dick, I know all of that, but I am fucking tired of being left to rot when I need help, I'm not takeing anti depressants because they make me become someone I'm not, I do smoke pot, but thats a temporary high, it's not the same as my anti depressents, some of my friends can't make it through the day without takeing ten or more kinds of pills, I'm not going to end up like that, my mom can't make it a day without haveing to take fifteen different types of natural/unatural anti depressent pills.
all the people ask me why I don't stay on my anti depressents, well for those of you who have asked that and are reading it this is why: my mind becomes a blank sheet for anyone to write on, I have no feelings of sadness, I have trouble pissing, I get headaches, and I don't have as much energy as I usually have, and then after two or three weeks of that the pills stop working all together and I go into the deepest of depression, that is why I dont' take anti depressents, and yes I've tried takeing a different brand of anti depressent, they all affect me the same, and yes I've talked to my doctor about it, he says it's just normal side effects, those are all the reasons why I don't take anti depressents.
thank you for reading this and listening to me rant.
I've come to the realization that I have done nothing but throw my life away, I was going to a school I loved, with people I loved, and I threw that away for a few laughs and some fun, I had the trust of my parents and I shot that to hell so that I could get drunk/high, I had a girlfriend I loved and I gave her up for the school I then gave up, I now have another girlfriend I love very much, but I am ready to give that up because I have realized, I am not deserveing of her, I do not really have any reason that she is still with me, I've wasted all of my life doing whatever seems fun at the moment, and where has that gotten me?
it has gotten me to the point where staying in school will only keep me back another year before I can graduate, I have two cavities that are not very bad now but won't go away on thier own and my parents won't pay for them to be fixed, I can't play the sport I love because I can't run at the moment due to other medical reasons, and all of my friends are to wrapped up to help me when I need help, I can't pick friends who will return the favor of friendship in a time of need, I can't hold onto the friends that do, and now I'm here alone, bitching on livejournal because I needed to get that all out and no one would listen because they are all to busy worrying about who likes them or what rumurs are being spread about them, I get repaid for listening to thier concerns by them starting rumours about me and ignoreing me, well fuck it, if they want me to stop smokeing, to stop drinking, and to stop getting high, then they have to fucking deal with MY needs for friendship and stop worrying about what else is going on.
I know I sound selfish, I know I sound like a dick, I know all of that, but I am fucking tired of being left to rot when I need help, I'm not takeing anti depressants because they make me become someone I'm not, I do smoke pot, but thats a temporary high, it's not the same as my anti depressents, some of my friends can't make it through the day without takeing ten or more kinds of pills, I'm not going to end up like that, my mom can't make it a day without haveing to take fifteen different types of natural/unatural anti depressent pills.
all the people ask me why I don't stay on my anti depressents, well for those of you who have asked that and are reading it this is why: my mind becomes a blank sheet for anyone to write on, I have no feelings of sadness, I have trouble pissing, I get headaches, and I don't have as much energy as I usually have, and then after two or three weeks of that the pills stop working all together and I go into the deepest of depression, that is why I dont' take anti depressents, and yes I've tried takeing a different brand of anti depressent, they all affect me the same, and yes I've talked to my doctor about it, he says it's just normal side effects, those are all the reasons why I don't take anti depressents.
thank you for reading this and listening to me rant.