And I hope the scar lasts.
I don't care for school. It is used to perpetuate capitalism and classism. Yes, some people go to school and it has the opposite effect. But that doesn't mean that they are getting the intended outcome of it. It just means that's what they got out of it.
And I don't think this matters. I really don't. It's a truth to me. That doesn't make it wrong for other people. And I don't have any delusions of grandeur about this. It's just a truth in my life that I'm coming to accept. Have come to accept? I don't really know.
I don't regret having gone to college. Yet. Maybe I will someday. I accept regret as part of life and think it's silly when people live life with no regrets. But again. . . that's a truth to me. I sometimes regret that I'm here now. . . but then. Here I am. I choose to come here when I wake up. There's something that keeps me coming back. That something, I know, is just the desire to finish. The desire to let my Mom finally be able to say that she had a kid who graduated from college. I know she'll be proud of me no matter what I do, but deep down I know that me getting my degree means a lot to her. I'll be the only one in my immediate family with a BA. The ONLY one.
So that's what has me focused again. The fact that if I just push through these couple of months, my Momma will be proud. How fucking corny is that? I don't care. I love my Mom.
Oh, and I hit bottom almost two weeks ago now. It felt really good to get that over with. I fought it for so long, but honestly, nothing else seems to be quite as effective as hitting bottom is for turning your life around. And bottom isn't nearly as low as it used to be. No nasty habits to kick, just time to spend until wounds heal.
I'm in a good frame of mind ever since. I really am. I feel like myself again. It's a lot easier to love yourself with your honest with yourself. Kind of like how it's easier to truly love someone once they're honest with you. I've said all that before, though.
And I don't think this matters. I really don't. It's a truth to me. That doesn't make it wrong for other people. And I don't have any delusions of grandeur about this. It's just a truth in my life that I'm coming to accept. Have come to accept? I don't really know.
I don't regret having gone to college. Yet. Maybe I will someday. I accept regret as part of life and think it's silly when people live life with no regrets. But again. . . that's a truth to me. I sometimes regret that I'm here now. . . but then. Here I am. I choose to come here when I wake up. There's something that keeps me coming back. That something, I know, is just the desire to finish. The desire to let my Mom finally be able to say that she had a kid who graduated from college. I know she'll be proud of me no matter what I do, but deep down I know that me getting my degree means a lot to her. I'll be the only one in my immediate family with a BA. The ONLY one.
So that's what has me focused again. The fact that if I just push through these couple of months, my Momma will be proud. How fucking corny is that? I don't care. I love my Mom.
Oh, and I hit bottom almost two weeks ago now. It felt really good to get that over with. I fought it for so long, but honestly, nothing else seems to be quite as effective as hitting bottom is for turning your life around. And bottom isn't nearly as low as it used to be. No nasty habits to kick, just time to spend until wounds heal.
I'm in a good frame of mind ever since. I really am. I feel like myself again. It's a lot easier to love yourself with your honest with yourself. Kind of like how it's easier to truly love someone once they're honest with you. I've said all that before, though.