(no subject)
**** this post was originally written in a word document, and it is about my emotional status from the past couple of days****
I am writing this because I feel the need to empty my ideas and personal feelings onto a canvas of sorts. This blank word document is now at the mercy of my fingertips, and as I tap against the keys, I hope that my soul will unfurl itself and adhere to it. I wish that I had the abilities like some great writers, but I know that do not. However, I do feel that my own personal writings will surpass many things in terms of sheer emotion. And I feel that with this immense sense of feeling, will come something beautiful. But more than that, I hope that this piece will shine, beaming straight to my heart, and letting me see who I am currently am, and what I currently am doing. Without this, I might feel lost, and even in writing, I may lose myself.
This entire year has been hard emotionally for me. I am ready to do things on my own, and I am ready to learn about myself through my experiences, I wasn’t ready for the empty gap this style of living has provided me. Ever since this year has begun, I felt something was missing. And I have discovered that, it was actually quite simple to find what I was initially missing, and it was people. I need people. There is something about me where I need people in my life, even if they are just there, I feel better. Not just better about myself, but about everything. It is almost as if the presence of people seems to make everything clear, and focused. The presence of my fellow man puts me at ease, and I almost feel like everything thing I do will be alright. It was almost as if everything I ever stood for meant something. And perhaps the things I have been and done have meant something, but I don’t think I will ever know.
On the topic of companionship I can’t really describe it, but I can only describe the individual sensations. The other night I laid in bed and as I stared through the springs of the top bunk, I felt this strong feeling that I would always be as alone as I was at that point in time. And accompanying this feeling came an indescribable impetus that charged through me, and made me feel as though I was sinking. My interior was scrambled, for the moment, and I began to openly weep.
Human emotions are quite possibly the most perplexing things in this world. For a couple of days prior to the start of my writing this, I was in a bad place, getting ready to accept that’s how I would feel forever. I was becoming complacent with it. But then, all of a sudden, I flipped. Now I feel as if every day means something, I meant something. And now, I have people that mean something to me. Because of this, I am rejuvenated, and almost reborn. I now find myself smiling uncontrollably, feeling as if every day contains a mythical quantity of happiness.
Now I know this isn’t the case. There will be bad days again, but as my friend says: “Without the bitter, the sweet ain’t as sweet”. And that’s very true. Our lives do contain a dynamic quality, and honestly, without it, that’s the point where I don’t think life would be worth living. It sounds odd to be saying that I am glad I will have depressed days, and feel like nothing, and contemplate my nothingness. But without these days, I cannot truly appreciate what nights like last night mean.
It is so interesting to me how important human contact is. The weirdest part about it is that sometimes it can mean so little, just like a routine, but there are other times when it can mean so much. There is a fine line between the two, and I have never really crossed it before. But now I have, and it was almost like at that time, a shock was sent through my body, and I understood something. I wanted it to last forever, I want that feeling again. I cannot stop my thought from drifting to it, and the warmth an embrace such as that can provide. Safety, security, and love all were shown to me, like white light pouring down upon me. It sounds overly dramatic, but that is just the speech I am using, I want it to be known what it can mean.
Anytime someone wants to release emotion, it does not come out drop wise, but in torrents. These torrents cascade over pages of written word, and come sometimes be misunderstood because they can be so raw, and uncut. By raw, I would like it understood that my emotions are strongly felt, but when writing, they come out un-tethered. They come out un-restrained, and it seems sometimes that a situation is worse than it actually is.
I am writing this because I feel the need to empty my ideas and personal feelings onto a canvas of sorts. This blank word document is now at the mercy of my fingertips, and as I tap against the keys, I hope that my soul will unfurl itself and adhere to it. I wish that I had the abilities like some great writers, but I know that do not. However, I do feel that my own personal writings will surpass many things in terms of sheer emotion. And I feel that with this immense sense of feeling, will come something beautiful. But more than that, I hope that this piece will shine, beaming straight to my heart, and letting me see who I am currently am, and what I currently am doing. Without this, I might feel lost, and even in writing, I may lose myself.
This entire year has been hard emotionally for me. I am ready to do things on my own, and I am ready to learn about myself through my experiences, I wasn’t ready for the empty gap this style of living has provided me. Ever since this year has begun, I felt something was missing. And I have discovered that, it was actually quite simple to find what I was initially missing, and it was people. I need people. There is something about me where I need people in my life, even if they are just there, I feel better. Not just better about myself, but about everything. It is almost as if the presence of people seems to make everything clear, and focused. The presence of my fellow man puts me at ease, and I almost feel like everything thing I do will be alright. It was almost as if everything I ever stood for meant something. And perhaps the things I have been and done have meant something, but I don’t think I will ever know.
On the topic of companionship I can’t really describe it, but I can only describe the individual sensations. The other night I laid in bed and as I stared through the springs of the top bunk, I felt this strong feeling that I would always be as alone as I was at that point in time. And accompanying this feeling came an indescribable impetus that charged through me, and made me feel as though I was sinking. My interior was scrambled, for the moment, and I began to openly weep.
Human emotions are quite possibly the most perplexing things in this world. For a couple of days prior to the start of my writing this, I was in a bad place, getting ready to accept that’s how I would feel forever. I was becoming complacent with it. But then, all of a sudden, I flipped. Now I feel as if every day means something, I meant something. And now, I have people that mean something to me. Because of this, I am rejuvenated, and almost reborn. I now find myself smiling uncontrollably, feeling as if every day contains a mythical quantity of happiness.
Now I know this isn’t the case. There will be bad days again, but as my friend says: “Without the bitter, the sweet ain’t as sweet”. And that’s very true. Our lives do contain a dynamic quality, and honestly, without it, that’s the point where I don’t think life would be worth living. It sounds odd to be saying that I am glad I will have depressed days, and feel like nothing, and contemplate my nothingness. But without these days, I cannot truly appreciate what nights like last night mean.
It is so interesting to me how important human contact is. The weirdest part about it is that sometimes it can mean so little, just like a routine, but there are other times when it can mean so much. There is a fine line between the two, and I have never really crossed it before. But now I have, and it was almost like at that time, a shock was sent through my body, and I understood something. I wanted it to last forever, I want that feeling again. I cannot stop my thought from drifting to it, and the warmth an embrace such as that can provide. Safety, security, and love all were shown to me, like white light pouring down upon me. It sounds overly dramatic, but that is just the speech I am using, I want it to be known what it can mean.
Anytime someone wants to release emotion, it does not come out drop wise, but in torrents. These torrents cascade over pages of written word, and come sometimes be misunderstood because they can be so raw, and uncut. By raw, I would like it understood that my emotions are strongly felt, but when writing, they come out un-tethered. They come out un-restrained, and it seems sometimes that a situation is worse than it actually is.