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What do you say to your the woman you planned to marry when you come back after four months of being gone? Hell if I knew. I'd spent the entire drive from the hotel to Buffy and Spike's trying to come up with some kind of explanation that would pass the questions she would have. If she even had questions for me. I'd left without giving her a chance
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"Yeah, I am." What could I possibly say to her after four months? Sorry for leaving? Except not really because I thought it was the right thing to do?
"I didn't realize I was gone so long. Time moved differently there." I ran my fingers through my hair because it gave me something to do with my hands. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I wanted to hold her. To tell her I wouldn't take off again. But I wasn't sure that was something I could promise.
I'm not sure how much time passed before I finally took a chance with words again. "Cordy, I know you must hate me right now. I handled things...in a way that I thought was best for everyone, but I never wanted to hurt you. I swear, I didn't think I'd be gone this long. I'm sorry you got hurt by James, and that I've left you hanging for all this time. I wish I had a better explanation, but I covered it in the letter to you."
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"You covered it in the letter to me?" I glared at him. He was lucky there was nothing that could be used as a projectile within my reach because I would throw it at his head right now. He covered it in a letter. He did what he thought was best for everyone and he didn't even think to talk to me about it? I wasn't like Angel and Faith and Harry and Spike and everyone else who just ran around doing whatever seemed like a good idea at the time. Why couldn't he trust me?
Because I wouldn't have let him go. There was no way I would have let him if I thought I could stop him. Go back to a hell dimension? Who would want to do that?
"What are you doing, Connor? Did you come to explain to me? Why even bother? You already covered it in the letter. Maybe I should write you a letter. Dear Connor, that was a bad idea."
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"I have no idea what I'm doing, Cordelia. There isn't anything I can say that is going to change what happened. Nothing I can offer you now that will make up for it. I'm sorry I hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you."
Folding my arms across my chest, I looked at her, and tried to get a read on what she was feeling. It was hard. Four months was a long time. The last time I'd been gone like this it was because of the yacht sinking. This time I did it all on my own.
"I didn't plan to take her with me. It was supposed to be Harry. When I arrived at the firm to take him, she was walking in and about to sell herself out to try and save him. I didn't want them getting her too. Can you imagine what she would be like under their control? How lethal she would be to all of us? They took so much, and I couldn't let them have another win. So, I changed my plan at the last minute and took her instead."
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I forced myself to keep my face as neutral as possible as I looked at him. Harry or Faith, did it really matter? The fact was he still just ran off to a hell dimension without a single word, just a stupid letter.
I wondered if he even noticed I wasn't wearing the ring anymore. But it was Connor so of course he noticed.
"I just...for once, Connor? I don't even have the words. I'm glad you're okay. Now please leave."
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I let the name fall off my lips as I simply stared at her. She was so beautiful. Always so beautiful. Even when it was clear that she hated me, and I had hurt her in ways I hadn't considered.
The ring was gone. Whatever light that had been in her eyes when she looked at me was gone before. It was as if we had been transported back in time to when things were so damn awkward between us. We'd gotten through so much. Was this really going to be what ended us?
"I love you. That's never changed. That will never change."
No clue if that was what she wanted or needed to hear, but it was the truth. I'd never lied to her before, and I wasn't going to start now. Was I supposed to leave here now? I'd walked away before, why was it so hard to do it now?
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I still couldn't say anything to him when he told me that he still loved me. I almost wanted to just tell him that I'd found someone else. Okay, it wasn't a total lie. I was sleeping with Kennedy but let's be honest? I could hardly stand her. I didn't even know why I kept going over there. Because it was as close to Connor as I could really get. Ugh. I hate when things start to make sense.
What was I supposed to say to that? I could tell him that I loved him too because it was still true but I couldn't even look at him right now. I'd moved out of the hotel and into Buffy and Spike's penthouse, I hardly ever saw Angel anymore. I'd started the business over again with Buffy and Dawn. Things were just....changing. Maybe that was the way they were supposed to be. Let's be honest, nothing was ever the same after I woke up from my coma.
What I'd said to him before was true. For once? I just couldn't find the words. Usually, I think it I say it. But now? I couldn't even begin to put all of my thoughts into words. I'd thought about this moment every day since he'd left me that letter but all the daydreaming in the world couldn't prepare me for the real thing.
So I just....closed the door on him and went back upstairs.
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