poolside musings.
I really miss the good old (working) days. Those days I can have plenty of time to gather any and all information that i need, spend hours and days to create all the charts, tables & graphs that i want, put them all in whatever sequence that i like and spend a day or to doing nothing but pouring over them. In the silence then i will have a few (sometimes many) eureka moments where i can then pick and choose which parts i want to highlight and which part i want to throw away, then spend another day really taking a look at them, digging deeper to find interesting causalities, then making a storyline out of them. A storyline that would mean a lot to the audience.
I USED to be able to do those things.
Nowadays i feel like crap.
I haven't really slept since last week, and in the precious hours that I do what are swimming inside my head but endless and growing checklists of things still to be gathered, make graphs/tables/charts about, all the length and width and breadth of data that i still have to find, without having the time to properly dig deeper into any of them. I was still making charts and graphs during the few minutes in the boarding lounge at the airport, even during the meeting while waiting for my turn. I even missed lunch. But the farthest that I have gotten was still only an inch deep into the crust of the surface of the data.
As a result, the best that I could have came up with were barely scratching the surface.
I wasn't surprised that they say it wasn't acceptable. I wouldn't have accept it myself.
Maybe I'm just not in the right headspace for any of this at the moment, but I have to say that these past few (sleepless) days have made me wondered whether or not i'm really worthy of the job title printed on my namecard.
It's one thing to want to be appreciated, and i sometimes can just brush off the feeling and doing it for the sheer fun of it, but it's getting to be not so fun anymore.
And i've always said this regarding any and all of my career choices - if it stops being fun, then it's time to move on.
And i think it's time. Maybe in career choices, or maybe just in terms of workplace. Not to say that a change of workplace would guarantee me a better appreciation of what i do, but when you sit in the same place for almost four years, doing the same crap, and getting the same 'not good enough' replies after spending too many hours, too many coffee, missed too many events and sacrificing too much, enough is enough.
I always look forward to learning something from whatever i do and the people i work with or for. These days (or years) the only thing i've learned is some people just want to milk the crap out of you, stomp you down within a centimeter of your self-worth, to then claim the work as their own behind your back.
I know we shouldn't be fishing for compliments, and I know that what other people think about me is none of my business, but some days i just have my limits.
I hope everything will work out fine. It's my best hope right now.
I USED to be able to do those things.
Nowadays i feel like crap.
I haven't really slept since last week, and in the precious hours that I do what are swimming inside my head but endless and growing checklists of things still to be gathered, make graphs/tables/charts about, all the length and width and breadth of data that i still have to find, without having the time to properly dig deeper into any of them. I was still making charts and graphs during the few minutes in the boarding lounge at the airport, even during the meeting while waiting for my turn. I even missed lunch. But the farthest that I have gotten was still only an inch deep into the crust of the surface of the data.
As a result, the best that I could have came up with were barely scratching the surface.
I wasn't surprised that they say it wasn't acceptable. I wouldn't have accept it myself.
Maybe I'm just not in the right headspace for any of this at the moment, but I have to say that these past few (sleepless) days have made me wondered whether or not i'm really worthy of the job title printed on my namecard.
It's one thing to want to be appreciated, and i sometimes can just brush off the feeling and doing it for the sheer fun of it, but it's getting to be not so fun anymore.
And i've always said this regarding any and all of my career choices - if it stops being fun, then it's time to move on.
And i think it's time. Maybe in career choices, or maybe just in terms of workplace. Not to say that a change of workplace would guarantee me a better appreciation of what i do, but when you sit in the same place for almost four years, doing the same crap, and getting the same 'not good enough' replies after spending too many hours, too many coffee, missed too many events and sacrificing too much, enough is enough.
I always look forward to learning something from whatever i do and the people i work with or for. These days (or years) the only thing i've learned is some people just want to milk the crap out of you, stomp you down within a centimeter of your self-worth, to then claim the work as their own behind your back.
I know we shouldn't be fishing for compliments, and I know that what other people think about me is none of my business, but some days i just have my limits.
I hope everything will work out fine. It's my best hope right now.