Apropos of Cordelia
“What do you fear, lady”? he asked. “A cage,” she said. “To stay behind bars, until use and old age accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire.”
I just read this quote and started crying. This is so relevant to my life it hurts and maybe it's what I need right now. I need to stop using my illness as an excuse and fucking get on with my life. Illness is still a problem but do I really and honestly want it to rule me still? After all this time?
I'm scared. I'm really scared. All I've known since I've been seven years old is being ill and it being the biggest part of my life since then. And the idea of changing the very essence of what is me, what I've known all this time? It's terrifying. I know there's so much more to me but for over a decade I've been consumed by the feeling of being ill, "the ill one".. that's how I've seen myself.
But no more (I would make a Spiderman reference here were it not for the negative undertones of that reinvention or... uninvention).
No more looking at the past and focussing on what I have been. I need to focus on what I want to be and I've spent a year in limbo having no idea what I want. I've had ideas but they've all been tainted with the past.
I need to let go and just forget about everything except what I want to be and what I need to get there.
And I need to believe I can get there.
It's not that dream I forced myself to push far off into some fantasy future. It's now and here and waiting for me to just accept and welcome at last.
At last this new chapter of my life can begin.