BtVS Fic: Outside Pride (Spike/Xander, 10/10, PG-13 *COMPLETE*)
Thanks to work being crazy-busy and me going to yoga 5 days a week, I'm finding that I'm behind on replying to comments, commenting and reading. A special thank you to everyone for the wonderful comments on Five Times Xander Doesn't Tell Spike He Loves Him (And One Time He Does) - I've been grinning for weeks over those comments (and am still replying!).
However I have been writing! And not just FINALLY completing Outside Pride, I am also consumed with (some may say obsessed with) a new human AU S/X fic for fall_for_sx that I'm frantically working to complete for Sunday... so look out for that! I'm excited to share it.
So yes, this is the conclusion of Outside Pride, much later than I'd wanted but the chapter is what I wanted it to be so that's important. I sincerely apologize for the delay (writer's block can be a bitch). The entire fic is just over 15,000 words. As George Saunders says, An ending is stopping without sucking. And I definitely aimed for this to not suck. I really hope that you enjoy it!
Title: Outside Pride
Author: cordelianne
Chapter:10/10 *COMPLETE*
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2,851
Feedback: Comments will be very encouraging. Concrit is very welcome by email.
Disclaimer: Sadly not mine, Joss own them.
Summary: AU set at a summer camp.
“She’s, like, so whatever.” Cordelia says with a flip of her hair.
“I know. Totally.” Harmony says with a flip of her hair. “Wait, who are we talking about?”
A/N: Huge thanks to the completely awesome and wonderful savoytruffle and spookymonkey for their invaluable pre-reading, betaing, ideas and support. Any mistakes are mine.
Previous chapters here.
Previously...
“Listen, Spike…” Angel says in his oh-so-serious voice. Spike rolls his eyes. “This isn’t something you can just throw away. You - okay, we - need this job. Remember how this was going to set us up with clients for our landscaping business come fall?”
Spike is cornered by logic. “Yeah, well it’s not like I had a choice.” Angel raises an eyebrow and glowers. “I mean, just now, with Wilkins. It was either Xander and me or just me.” He shrugs. “Kid’s got his whole life ahead of him.”
Angel sinks into the closest chair. “Guess we need a plan B.”
“Don’t worry, big guy.” Spike closes his bag, tosses it over his shoulder.“People like you and me, can’t keep us down for long. We'll be rolling hard eights again in no time.”
But as he walks down the main road alone, it’s harder to believe his next roll of the dice will be lucky. Spike tightens his grip on the duffel’s handle and speeds up his pace.
There’s a bend in the road up ahead. He focuses on that.
Outside Pride
by Cordelianne
CHAPTER TEN
“She’s, like, so whatever.” Cordelia says with a flip of her hair.
“I know. Totally.” Harmony says with a flip of her hair. “Wait, who are we talking about?”
“Buffy. You know, the total Magdalene who’s all over Angel.”
“Oh right!” Harmony beams at the glowering Cordelia. “Wait, Angel?”
“The sizzling hot groundskeeper. Geez, keep up.” Cordelia rolls her eyes. “Anyway, other than him, she keeps the worst company.”
Xander receives two fierce glares. He continues painting his nameplate. Gotta be stoic and unflappable guy - being flapped will only give them more ammunition. Plus, the instant he even lifts his paintbrush, his campers will dissolve into chaos.
And camper chaos? The worst kind.
Of course if the Arts and Crafts ringleader had her say, she’d say that Xander’s the worst kind.
And Cordelia’s not alone in that. Sure he didn’t get kicked out - and he can’t even think about who did - but that hasn’t stopped most people from steering clear. Who’d have thought that Buffy would turn out to be a better friend than some people he could name?
People who’ve known him since he was in diapers.
“Hey, Xand.” An arm slides around his shoulder, and it’s the other friend who’s known him since he was in diapers.
He smiles at Willow ’cause it’s Willow - how could he not smile? “Hey.”
“Pink?” She frowns at the color he’s currently smearing onto the nameplate. “Is this some sort of reverse psychology approach?”
Xander joins her in the frowning. “Oops!”
“And I think you mixed it with orange.”
“Oops again. But, on the bright side - and that was not intended as a pun - now we know that pink and orange do not combine to make some beautiful new color.”
“More like yuck.” Willow starts bouncing and Xander can practically see the light bulb flash over her head. “You’ve created a color to represent ‘yuck”!”
“I’m a man of many talents. I’m just not sure what the rest of them are yet.”
He glances up and spies Oz sauntering by. Oz is the only person he’s seen who can pull off that relaxed, mellow gait without looking like a poseur. It’s impressive, and kinda cute, not that he’s interested in Oz. He’s just admiring.
And hammering the final nail in his very gay, probably pink, coffin.
Oz nods. “Xander, Willow.” Keeps sauntering.
They return his greeting. Cordelia sniffs her disapproval. Willow squeezes his arm.
At least the entire camp isn’t treating him like he’s single-handedly broken all Ten Commandments. Which is silly since he’s only ever broken like two…or three - he can’t actually remember them all offhand. But he does know he’s steered clear of the big ones like murder and stuff.
It’s nice that that counts for something.
***
In the field in front of their cabin, Xander’s campers wheel around like a flock of seagulls zeroing in on food. Really, they’re playing some variation on tag. Xander thinks.
He’s not paying attention.
He can’t. Not when his former friend is nearby tossing a football with Riley as if this is something he does all the time. As if Jesse didn’t use to mock Riley for being a brainless jock. Lame-ass.
The twisty feeling in his stomach immediately gets worse.
Xander sighs. It’s been two very long weeks - feels like two months - since he’s talked to either Jesse or Spike.
He’s two seconds away from borrowing eyeliner from one of the girls and emo-ing out when he sees Jackie Rodowsky fall face-first into a gigantic, very muddy puddle. The other kids shriek with laughter as Jackie sits up and shakes mud out his hair, but Xander runs over - can’t have a camper hurt on his watch.
He sends the uninjured Jackie off to shower and shoos his campers away from the mud. Sometimes being a counselor is like being a conductor - a conductor of a very unruly orchestra with everyone playing different songs at different times or not playing at all.
Come to think of it, it’s not really like being a conductor.
Xander’s so busy shaking his head at himself that he almost runs into Jesse.
Everything comes to a full and screeching halt as their eyes skitter across each others faces and - for once - Xander has nothing to say. He just stares. Actually, he’s pretty sure he’s gaping. Not surprising, considering how long Jesse’s been giving him the silent treatment and making himself scarcer than Andrew on new comics day.
Is he about to be unshunned? Or reshunned? Are you allowed to reshun? Xander folds his arms against his chest.
“So…” Jesse stares at his shoes. He hasn’t looked Xander in the eye since walking in on Xander’s very practical demonstration of how to do the gay.
Xander waits. His stomach twists itself into one giant knot.
Jesse finally meets his gaze. “Do you hate me now?”
“Um, what?” Okay, he’s no longer shunned, now he’s just stunned.
Two campers run between them yelling something about the Tuck Shop and candy, and it jolts Xander from his frozen state long enough to realize that their discussion probably shouldn’t be taking place within camper hearing. He nods towards his cabin and starts walking. Jesse falls into step behind him.
They sit down on the porch, a good safe Dobson-approved distance between them.
It feels almost like the time they broke a neighbor’s green garden gnome and hid out in Jesse’s tree house for hours. Except they’re not in this together and Xander doubts this is something they can laugh about.
What do you say to the friend who exposed your secret gay affair? He can see the title of the Springer episode now “I Got My Friend’s Gay Lover Kicked Out of Christian Camp And Now He…” Problem is, Xander doesn’t know how to finish it.
Jesse clears his throat, glances at Xander, then gazes back at the camper chaos - now with extra chaos brought to you by sugar. “You haven’t told me to go to hell. I guess that’s a good start.”
“Aren’t you the one who should be giving me the hell talk?” Xander doesn’t even try to keep the bitterness out of his voice.
Jesse shrugs. “I don’t get the whole fire and brimstone thing.”
“Yeah.”
And then they’re back to the awkward silence and it’s worse than when they have silent prayer and Xander’s said his and then has to sit there while everyone else proves how much more pious than him they are. At least then he can let his mind wander to all sorts of fun non-prayer-appropriate fantasies, like how good Spike’s thigh feels pressed against his.
And, yeah, he’s so going to hell, but right now Spike’s thighs are the farthest things from his mind. For once his hormones are not controlling his brain. Instead it’s focused on every scuff of Jesse’s shoe and every about-to-speak sound.
“I panicked, okay?” Jesse sighs. “I mean, I didn’t know what to think about finding you with Spike. That was… man, you were in bed with another guy. Naked.”
“I was.” He almost leaves it there but the hunch in Jesse’s shoulders inspires him to add, “It was - it is all new to me too.”
“It’s just... Wow! I mean, you’re, um, you’re…”
“Gay,” Xander finishes. Then realizes that it’s the first time he’s said that out loud. It’s weird to have his first coming out moment with Jesse. Somehow he’d always - well, if you consider this summer as always - imagined it with Willow. But, he’s pretty sure she knows and is okay with it.
Putting the word out there takes the already awkward conversation to new heights of awkwardness.
But Xander’s not afraid of heights. And he’s never let a little awkward - or a lot for that matter - stop him before. Heck, if he goes to college he could major in Inappropriate Humor.
“Yep, just a regular red-blooded, meat-eating, man-loving American.”
“Man-loving?” Jesse sounds only slightly horrified, mostly teasing.
It’s a start.
***
“So we’re no longer hating Jesse?” Buffy asks - well, more like demands - as she grabs his arm, steering him away from the crowd leaving the dining hall.
He combines a shrug with a nod. Sometimes it’s good to not be too committed about an answer, especially when he’s anticipating interrogation by two of the scariest girls he knows.
“Well…?” Willow greets them. She’s rocking back and forth on her heels and vibrating with her I must know what’s going on intensity.
They head to a more secluded picnic table and Xander uses the extra time to figure out what to say. It is sweet that they’re so angry on his behalf. Having people on his side? Of the good.
He sits down, and Willow and Buffy sit across from him, their eyes fixed on him, waiting for him to spill. “Jesse and I talked.”
Willow humphs. “We know that.”
Xander takes a deep breath and delivers the details of the awkward reconciliation. He’s pleased to see their reactions transform from skeptical to accepting.
“Good!” Willow declares when he’s done. There’s a pause. Buffy nudges her in the side and nods to Xander. “Oh right!” Willow exclaims.
His friends? Not so subtle.
“So, Xander,” Willow begins, as if she’s just thought of something she wants to tell him. “Now that’s all sorted, what are we going to do about Spike?”
Just hearing his name feels like Iron Man is gripping Xander’s heart. “Spike?” he manages.
“Yes, Spike,” Buffy says with a firm nod. “The question is, how are we going to get you two back together?”
“It would be helpful if you’d already tried to contact him.” Willow does an excellent impression of a chiding parent. “That way we’d have some leads.”
Xander’s been locked in a fierce internal battle about whether he should try and track Spike down or not, so figures he should share the winning arguments so far. “He didn’t even say good-bye to me,” he says. But he did take all the blame, the other side reminds him. “It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m stuck at this camp for another five days.”
“Uh uh.” Buffy shakes her head. “Only one more, cause our campers go home tomorrow.”
Willow leans forward. “We support your decision to stay with your campers - it would have been bad to desert them - but once they’re gone… well, this isn’t exactly the best place to explore your sexuality especially if it’s not the guy-girl kind. Not that, as Buffy can attest, they’re that thrilled with boy-girl action, but you guys know what I mean, right?”
Buffy and Xander nod.
Willow continues, “Tara and I have been talking about it a lot. I think…” She straightens her shoulders. “She and I are… in a similar situation.”
“Angel was right!” Buffy says, with enough surprise to indicate she hadn’t believed him. “Wow, that’s…” She shifts in her seat, does a tiny shake of her head and then inhales. “That’s really great. Really.” She pulls Willow into a hug.
“I don’t know, Will.” Xander shoots her a grin. “I’m not sure how I feel about this.”
She smiles back, looking much calmer than he’s seen her look in days. “We’re at a place that tells us it’s not a sin to be gay, just to act on it, so I -”
Buffy is literally scratching her forehead. “I don’t get it. That doesn’t make any sense.” Her eyes widen. “This is a sex thing again isn’t it? Do these people ever think sex is okay?”
“Nope,” Xander says. “It’s all repression, repression, repression and then next thing you know they’re caught snorting blow off a teen hooker.”
“Um, yeah.” Willow says with one raised eyebrow. “Back to the topic at hand. With the campers gone, why stay here?”
Xander has to admit, it’s a good question.
***
It’s not a hard one to answer.
And putting the ‘ditch Outside Pride and find Spike’ plan into effect? Also surprisingly easy.
Xander pops a Reese’s Pieces into his mouth and watches the camp ‘Welcome’ sign become smaller in the side mirror. Objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear, but they’re getting further away by the second.
He turns to Oz, who’s driving their getaway vehicle like it’s any other day for him as vehicle guy. “That went well.”
Two groans sound from behind him.
“Are you trying to jinx us?” Buffy asks.
Willow shakes her head at him. “Considering you have yet to see Spike, you shouldn’t say stuff like that. What were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all?”
“Nope,” he replies with a big grin.
He’s totally okay with the not thinking, considering all the thinking that went into their escape effort. Well, it was mostly talking: asking Angel where Spike is and convincing him to come along. And there’s a fun conversation he doesn’t want to have again. The man’s like the master of the monosyllable. And not in a cool, Oz way.
Xander glances behind him at the subject of his thoughts, whose shoulder is playing pillow to Buffy’s head. The look of pure contentment on Angel’s face makes it hard to stay annoyed.
A few dozen candies later, he checks in on the other happy couple. Willow and Tara are in the back of the van squeezed in with all the luggage, but they seem oblivious to, well, everything right now. Xander quickly turns his attention forward again, no need to be a voyeur.
The highway stretches out before them and it’s a very good thing.
***
Not soon enough - or too soon, according to the bats darting around in Xander’s stomach - they arrive at their destination.
When Xander takes in the window boxes full of pink flowers and the ceramic angel sculpture on the front lawn he’s convinced it’s the wrong house.
He’d imagined something tougher or more run down, less old lady.
“We’re here,” Angel announces. “Why don’t I go in ahead?”
Xander stops boggling at the fake-flower wreath gracing the front door long enough to nod. He’s good with that plan.
He gets out to stretch his legs and hopefully rid himself of some of this nervous energy. As he paces, Xander starts to think.
Actually think.
Think about what he’s doing and about what he’ll say when he sees Spike and about how he has no idea what he’ll say when he sees Spike and about how this is all a very very bad idea.
Epic bad.
Troy and Trojan horse bad.
Spike’s going to laugh in his face and tell him how he didn’t really take the fall for Xander, he was just happy to get kicked out of the lame Christian camp with its lame counselors - like Xander. And why didn’t Xander think this through instead of just assuming that everything would all work out like some stupid gay fairytale and that Spike would welcome him with open arms like he’s been spending his weeks pining for a silly kid instead of being a cool sexy guy who can probably get anyone he wants?
“Look who it is.”
Xander emerges from his freak-out daze and realizes that he’s accidentally made his way up to the front door and is now face-to-face with the cool sexy guy in question.
“Spike! Hi!” And could he be any lamer? “How are you?”
Apparently he can be.
But not Spike. He just lifts an eyebrow ‘cause clearly he’s too cool to answer dumb clichéd questions.
“Whose house is this?” Xander finds himself asking.
Now both eyebrows are raised. Spike leans against the doorframe and just looks at Xander. He leans well, Xander’s brain helpfully informs him. It’s clear his brain is only working to sabotage him with its refusal to provide any useful, non-lust-related information.
For a second they make eye contact and Xander holds his breath.
Spike shakes his head almost imperceptibly. “The only foster parents Angel and I could stand.” He nods inwards. “Dru and Darla got booted from the program but let us crash here whenever. Nutty old birds, but they’re…” He shrugs.
“Family?” Xander finishes, relieved that his brain is working for him now.
“Yeah.”
“I get that.” Xander shoves his hands into his pockets. “When this whole thing went down, it showed me who I can count on.” He nods at the van, then actually meets Spike’s eyes and holds them. “And I also figured out what’s important to me. Who’s important to me.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Xander pours everything he can’t say into that one word and prays - an actual prayer - that Spike hears him.
It seems like God hasn’t written Xander off as a sinner yet because Spike smiles.
Xander might describe the smile as goofy - ’cause it’s that big - but since his own smile is equally big, and probably twice as goofy, he lets it go. Lets it go along with all his cares of the past few weeks and Xander feels so light he could float up into the heavens.
But Spike opens the door wide and says, “C’mon in.”
And on second thought, Xander’s got more earthly things to do.
*end*
Reference:
Cordelia's opening line is from the Avril Lavigne song Girlfriend. I take no credit for such a cracktastic line, just for getting a ridiculous amount of delight out of the lyric and thinking that it would be a perfect Cordelia line.
However I have been writing! And not just FINALLY completing Outside Pride, I am also consumed with (some may say obsessed with) a new human AU S/X fic for fall_for_sx that I'm frantically working to complete for Sunday... so look out for that! I'm excited to share it.
So yes, this is the conclusion of Outside Pride, much later than I'd wanted but the chapter is what I wanted it to be so that's important. I sincerely apologize for the delay (writer's block can be a bitch). The entire fic is just over 15,000 words. As George Saunders says, An ending is stopping without sucking. And I definitely aimed for this to not suck. I really hope that you enjoy it!
Title: Outside Pride
Author: cordelianne
Chapter:10/10 *COMPLETE*
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2,851
Feedback: Comments will be very encouraging. Concrit is very welcome by email.
Disclaimer: Sadly not mine, Joss own them.
Summary: AU set at a summer camp.
“She’s, like, so whatever.” Cordelia says with a flip of her hair.
“I know. Totally.” Harmony says with a flip of her hair. “Wait, who are we talking about?”
A/N: Huge thanks to the completely awesome and wonderful savoytruffle and spookymonkey for their invaluable pre-reading, betaing, ideas and support. Any mistakes are mine.
Previous chapters here.
Previously...
“Listen, Spike…” Angel says in his oh-so-serious voice. Spike rolls his eyes. “This isn’t something you can just throw away. You - okay, we - need this job. Remember how this was going to set us up with clients for our landscaping business come fall?”
Spike is cornered by logic. “Yeah, well it’s not like I had a choice.” Angel raises an eyebrow and glowers. “I mean, just now, with Wilkins. It was either Xander and me or just me.” He shrugs. “Kid’s got his whole life ahead of him.”
Angel sinks into the closest chair. “Guess we need a plan B.”
“Don’t worry, big guy.” Spike closes his bag, tosses it over his shoulder.“People like you and me, can’t keep us down for long. We'll be rolling hard eights again in no time.”
But as he walks down the main road alone, it’s harder to believe his next roll of the dice will be lucky. Spike tightens his grip on the duffel’s handle and speeds up his pace.
There’s a bend in the road up ahead. He focuses on that.
Outside Pride
by Cordelianne
CHAPTER TEN
“She’s, like, so whatever.” Cordelia says with a flip of her hair.
“I know. Totally.” Harmony says with a flip of her hair. “Wait, who are we talking about?”
“Buffy. You know, the total Magdalene who’s all over Angel.”
“Oh right!” Harmony beams at the glowering Cordelia. “Wait, Angel?”
“The sizzling hot groundskeeper. Geez, keep up.” Cordelia rolls her eyes. “Anyway, other than him, she keeps the worst company.”
Xander receives two fierce glares. He continues painting his nameplate. Gotta be stoic and unflappable guy - being flapped will only give them more ammunition. Plus, the instant he even lifts his paintbrush, his campers will dissolve into chaos.
And camper chaos? The worst kind.
Of course if the Arts and Crafts ringleader had her say, she’d say that Xander’s the worst kind.
And Cordelia’s not alone in that. Sure he didn’t get kicked out - and he can’t even think about who did - but that hasn’t stopped most people from steering clear. Who’d have thought that Buffy would turn out to be a better friend than some people he could name?
People who’ve known him since he was in diapers.
“Hey, Xand.” An arm slides around his shoulder, and it’s the other friend who’s known him since he was in diapers.
He smiles at Willow ’cause it’s Willow - how could he not smile? “Hey.”
“Pink?” She frowns at the color he’s currently smearing onto the nameplate. “Is this some sort of reverse psychology approach?”
Xander joins her in the frowning. “Oops!”
“And I think you mixed it with orange.”
“Oops again. But, on the bright side - and that was not intended as a pun - now we know that pink and orange do not combine to make some beautiful new color.”
“More like yuck.” Willow starts bouncing and Xander can practically see the light bulb flash over her head. “You’ve created a color to represent ‘yuck”!”
“I’m a man of many talents. I’m just not sure what the rest of them are yet.”
He glances up and spies Oz sauntering by. Oz is the only person he’s seen who can pull off that relaxed, mellow gait without looking like a poseur. It’s impressive, and kinda cute, not that he’s interested in Oz. He’s just admiring.
And hammering the final nail in his very gay, probably pink, coffin.
Oz nods. “Xander, Willow.” Keeps sauntering.
They return his greeting. Cordelia sniffs her disapproval. Willow squeezes his arm.
At least the entire camp isn’t treating him like he’s single-handedly broken all Ten Commandments. Which is silly since he’s only ever broken like two…or three - he can’t actually remember them all offhand. But he does know he’s steered clear of the big ones like murder and stuff.
It’s nice that that counts for something.
***
In the field in front of their cabin, Xander’s campers wheel around like a flock of seagulls zeroing in on food. Really, they’re playing some variation on tag. Xander thinks.
He’s not paying attention.
He can’t. Not when his former friend is nearby tossing a football with Riley as if this is something he does all the time. As if Jesse didn’t use to mock Riley for being a brainless jock. Lame-ass.
The twisty feeling in his stomach immediately gets worse.
Xander sighs. It’s been two very long weeks - feels like two months - since he’s talked to either Jesse or Spike.
He’s two seconds away from borrowing eyeliner from one of the girls and emo-ing out when he sees Jackie Rodowsky fall face-first into a gigantic, very muddy puddle. The other kids shriek with laughter as Jackie sits up and shakes mud out his hair, but Xander runs over - can’t have a camper hurt on his watch.
He sends the uninjured Jackie off to shower and shoos his campers away from the mud. Sometimes being a counselor is like being a conductor - a conductor of a very unruly orchestra with everyone playing different songs at different times or not playing at all.
Come to think of it, it’s not really like being a conductor.
Xander’s so busy shaking his head at himself that he almost runs into Jesse.
Everything comes to a full and screeching halt as their eyes skitter across each others faces and - for once - Xander has nothing to say. He just stares. Actually, he’s pretty sure he’s gaping. Not surprising, considering how long Jesse’s been giving him the silent treatment and making himself scarcer than Andrew on new comics day.
Is he about to be unshunned? Or reshunned? Are you allowed to reshun? Xander folds his arms against his chest.
“So…” Jesse stares at his shoes. He hasn’t looked Xander in the eye since walking in on Xander’s very practical demonstration of how to do the gay.
Xander waits. His stomach twists itself into one giant knot.
Jesse finally meets his gaze. “Do you hate me now?”
“Um, what?” Okay, he’s no longer shunned, now he’s just stunned.
Two campers run between them yelling something about the Tuck Shop and candy, and it jolts Xander from his frozen state long enough to realize that their discussion probably shouldn’t be taking place within camper hearing. He nods towards his cabin and starts walking. Jesse falls into step behind him.
They sit down on the porch, a good safe Dobson-approved distance between them.
It feels almost like the time they broke a neighbor’s green garden gnome and hid out in Jesse’s tree house for hours. Except they’re not in this together and Xander doubts this is something they can laugh about.
What do you say to the friend who exposed your secret gay affair? He can see the title of the Springer episode now “I Got My Friend’s Gay Lover Kicked Out of Christian Camp And Now He…” Problem is, Xander doesn’t know how to finish it.
Jesse clears his throat, glances at Xander, then gazes back at the camper chaos - now with extra chaos brought to you by sugar. “You haven’t told me to go to hell. I guess that’s a good start.”
“Aren’t you the one who should be giving me the hell talk?” Xander doesn’t even try to keep the bitterness out of his voice.
Jesse shrugs. “I don’t get the whole fire and brimstone thing.”
“Yeah.”
And then they’re back to the awkward silence and it’s worse than when they have silent prayer and Xander’s said his and then has to sit there while everyone else proves how much more pious than him they are. At least then he can let his mind wander to all sorts of fun non-prayer-appropriate fantasies, like how good Spike’s thigh feels pressed against his.
And, yeah, he’s so going to hell, but right now Spike’s thighs are the farthest things from his mind. For once his hormones are not controlling his brain. Instead it’s focused on every scuff of Jesse’s shoe and every about-to-speak sound.
“I panicked, okay?” Jesse sighs. “I mean, I didn’t know what to think about finding you with Spike. That was… man, you were in bed with another guy. Naked.”
“I was.” He almost leaves it there but the hunch in Jesse’s shoulders inspires him to add, “It was - it is all new to me too.”
“It’s just... Wow! I mean, you’re, um, you’re…”
“Gay,” Xander finishes. Then realizes that it’s the first time he’s said that out loud. It’s weird to have his first coming out moment with Jesse. Somehow he’d always - well, if you consider this summer as always - imagined it with Willow. But, he’s pretty sure she knows and is okay with it.
Putting the word out there takes the already awkward conversation to new heights of awkwardness.
But Xander’s not afraid of heights. And he’s never let a little awkward - or a lot for that matter - stop him before. Heck, if he goes to college he could major in Inappropriate Humor.
“Yep, just a regular red-blooded, meat-eating, man-loving American.”
“Man-loving?” Jesse sounds only slightly horrified, mostly teasing.
It’s a start.
***
“So we’re no longer hating Jesse?” Buffy asks - well, more like demands - as she grabs his arm, steering him away from the crowd leaving the dining hall.
He combines a shrug with a nod. Sometimes it’s good to not be too committed about an answer, especially when he’s anticipating interrogation by two of the scariest girls he knows.
“Well…?” Willow greets them. She’s rocking back and forth on her heels and vibrating with her I must know what’s going on intensity.
They head to a more secluded picnic table and Xander uses the extra time to figure out what to say. It is sweet that they’re so angry on his behalf. Having people on his side? Of the good.
He sits down, and Willow and Buffy sit across from him, their eyes fixed on him, waiting for him to spill. “Jesse and I talked.”
Willow humphs. “We know that.”
Xander takes a deep breath and delivers the details of the awkward reconciliation. He’s pleased to see their reactions transform from skeptical to accepting.
“Good!” Willow declares when he’s done. There’s a pause. Buffy nudges her in the side and nods to Xander. “Oh right!” Willow exclaims.
His friends? Not so subtle.
“So, Xander,” Willow begins, as if she’s just thought of something she wants to tell him. “Now that’s all sorted, what are we going to do about Spike?”
Just hearing his name feels like Iron Man is gripping Xander’s heart. “Spike?” he manages.
“Yes, Spike,” Buffy says with a firm nod. “The question is, how are we going to get you two back together?”
“It would be helpful if you’d already tried to contact him.” Willow does an excellent impression of a chiding parent. “That way we’d have some leads.”
Xander’s been locked in a fierce internal battle about whether he should try and track Spike down or not, so figures he should share the winning arguments so far. “He didn’t even say good-bye to me,” he says. But he did take all the blame, the other side reminds him. “It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m stuck at this camp for another five days.”
“Uh uh.” Buffy shakes her head. “Only one more, cause our campers go home tomorrow.”
Willow leans forward. “We support your decision to stay with your campers - it would have been bad to desert them - but once they’re gone… well, this isn’t exactly the best place to explore your sexuality especially if it’s not the guy-girl kind. Not that, as Buffy can attest, they’re that thrilled with boy-girl action, but you guys know what I mean, right?”
Buffy and Xander nod.
Willow continues, “Tara and I have been talking about it a lot. I think…” She straightens her shoulders. “She and I are… in a similar situation.”
“Angel was right!” Buffy says, with enough surprise to indicate she hadn’t believed him. “Wow, that’s…” She shifts in her seat, does a tiny shake of her head and then inhales. “That’s really great. Really.” She pulls Willow into a hug.
“I don’t know, Will.” Xander shoots her a grin. “I’m not sure how I feel about this.”
She smiles back, looking much calmer than he’s seen her look in days. “We’re at a place that tells us it’s not a sin to be gay, just to act on it, so I -”
Buffy is literally scratching her forehead. “I don’t get it. That doesn’t make any sense.” Her eyes widen. “This is a sex thing again isn’t it? Do these people ever think sex is okay?”
“Nope,” Xander says. “It’s all repression, repression, repression and then next thing you know they’re caught snorting blow off a teen hooker.”
“Um, yeah.” Willow says with one raised eyebrow. “Back to the topic at hand. With the campers gone, why stay here?”
Xander has to admit, it’s a good question.
***
It’s not a hard one to answer.
And putting the ‘ditch Outside Pride and find Spike’ plan into effect? Also surprisingly easy.
Xander pops a Reese’s Pieces into his mouth and watches the camp ‘Welcome’ sign become smaller in the side mirror. Objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear, but they’re getting further away by the second.
He turns to Oz, who’s driving their getaway vehicle like it’s any other day for him as vehicle guy. “That went well.”
Two groans sound from behind him.
“Are you trying to jinx us?” Buffy asks.
Willow shakes her head at him. “Considering you have yet to see Spike, you shouldn’t say stuff like that. What were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all?”
“Nope,” he replies with a big grin.
He’s totally okay with the not thinking, considering all the thinking that went into their escape effort. Well, it was mostly talking: asking Angel where Spike is and convincing him to come along. And there’s a fun conversation he doesn’t want to have again. The man’s like the master of the monosyllable. And not in a cool, Oz way.
Xander glances behind him at the subject of his thoughts, whose shoulder is playing pillow to Buffy’s head. The look of pure contentment on Angel’s face makes it hard to stay annoyed.
A few dozen candies later, he checks in on the other happy couple. Willow and Tara are in the back of the van squeezed in with all the luggage, but they seem oblivious to, well, everything right now. Xander quickly turns his attention forward again, no need to be a voyeur.
The highway stretches out before them and it’s a very good thing.
***
Not soon enough - or too soon, according to the bats darting around in Xander’s stomach - they arrive at their destination.
When Xander takes in the window boxes full of pink flowers and the ceramic angel sculpture on the front lawn he’s convinced it’s the wrong house.
He’d imagined something tougher or more run down, less old lady.
“We’re here,” Angel announces. “Why don’t I go in ahead?”
Xander stops boggling at the fake-flower wreath gracing the front door long enough to nod. He’s good with that plan.
He gets out to stretch his legs and hopefully rid himself of some of this nervous energy. As he paces, Xander starts to think.
Actually think.
Think about what he’s doing and about what he’ll say when he sees Spike and about how he has no idea what he’ll say when he sees Spike and about how this is all a very very bad idea.
Epic bad.
Troy and Trojan horse bad.
Spike’s going to laugh in his face and tell him how he didn’t really take the fall for Xander, he was just happy to get kicked out of the lame Christian camp with its lame counselors - like Xander. And why didn’t Xander think this through instead of just assuming that everything would all work out like some stupid gay fairytale and that Spike would welcome him with open arms like he’s been spending his weeks pining for a silly kid instead of being a cool sexy guy who can probably get anyone he wants?
“Look who it is.”
Xander emerges from his freak-out daze and realizes that he’s accidentally made his way up to the front door and is now face-to-face with the cool sexy guy in question.
“Spike! Hi!” And could he be any lamer? “How are you?”
Apparently he can be.
But not Spike. He just lifts an eyebrow ‘cause clearly he’s too cool to answer dumb clichéd questions.
“Whose house is this?” Xander finds himself asking.
Now both eyebrows are raised. Spike leans against the doorframe and just looks at Xander. He leans well, Xander’s brain helpfully informs him. It’s clear his brain is only working to sabotage him with its refusal to provide any useful, non-lust-related information.
For a second they make eye contact and Xander holds his breath.
Spike shakes his head almost imperceptibly. “The only foster parents Angel and I could stand.” He nods inwards. “Dru and Darla got booted from the program but let us crash here whenever. Nutty old birds, but they’re…” He shrugs.
“Family?” Xander finishes, relieved that his brain is working for him now.
“Yeah.”
“I get that.” Xander shoves his hands into his pockets. “When this whole thing went down, it showed me who I can count on.” He nods at the van, then actually meets Spike’s eyes and holds them. “And I also figured out what’s important to me. Who’s important to me.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Xander pours everything he can’t say into that one word and prays - an actual prayer - that Spike hears him.
It seems like God hasn’t written Xander off as a sinner yet because Spike smiles.
Xander might describe the smile as goofy - ’cause it’s that big - but since his own smile is equally big, and probably twice as goofy, he lets it go. Lets it go along with all his cares of the past few weeks and Xander feels so light he could float up into the heavens.
But Spike opens the door wide and says, “C’mon in.”
And on second thought, Xander’s got more earthly things to do.
*end*
Reference:
Cordelia's opening line is from the Avril Lavigne song Girlfriend. I take no credit for such a cracktastic line, just for getting a ridiculous amount of delight out of the lyric and thinking that it would be a perfect Cordelia line.