In praise of Cuglies: Or why Jensen Ackles cannot work for me
I've been ridiculously sick, then ridiculously snowed under with all the work I had to catch up on (because damn you, Sick Leave Fairy - you did not pick up my slack!)
The catching up on work part meant working all weekend, two weeks in a row, but before that I actually had three weeks' sick leave, something I've never had before in my working life. It meant I got to see a lot of tv on DVD, and I am very grateful to dugindeep for insisting that I watch Deadwood, because I thought it was marvellous. But I also realised again something that I always knew; I am a sucker for cuglies.
What are cuglies, you ask? Cute/uglies. Sidekicks. Co-stars. People of so little imediately obvious appeal that when you tell others you're rather hot and sweaty for that particular character, they go, "Him?" In that politely disbelieving, confused way of Arrested Development's, 'Her?'
Which is why Jensen Ackles is all wrong and I have no business being remotely interested in him.
Watching Deadwood it was clear that I should adore the mean, moody and magnificent Seth, played by M3 actor, Timothy Olyphant. So who did my heart go out to? His big nosed, weedy little mate, soulful Sol Star, played by John Hawkes.
This is typical. I will not go for classic cleancut hero boy (see Captain America) when I can go for squashnosed, pug-eyed sidekick (see Hawkeye).
There are usually a number of elements at play for a cugly to sweep in and slay me. They are invariably intelligent; I have never been attracted to a stupid character, and intelligence is probably the first claim to my attention. It's why I don't understand folk who can look at a cast photograph of an unaired show and hone in on the bloke with the biceps as being their go-to crush. Well, no, not if bicep boy is a dickhead with no brains or honour. Don't care what he looks like in a cut off T shirt, ain't happening if the only thing upstairs is a shapely mullet. (Equally, I'm always amazed at peole who can write slash on the basis of character bios - but that's another chat, for another day).
Beyond intelligence, cuglies are usually outsiders. They'll be the lone American among the Brits (Dexter Fletcher/Spike on Press Gang), the lone Brit among the Americans (Richard Dawson/Newkirk in Hogan's Heroes - hey, I was 14). Peter Sumner as Gunther on Spyforce (a truly bizarre early Aussie series) where he is the lone German lost amidst Jack Thompson's Australian ego. Paul Darrow/Avon, the lone sort-of bad guy on Blake's Seven. Ilya Kuryakin, the Russian amongst the Yanks. Hawkeye one of only two 'ordinary' humans in The Avengers. Alexander Siddig/Julian Bashir on Deep Space Nine (brilliant doctor, socially inept). The poor little rich boy among peasants, the peasant amongst the upperclass (Ryan Attwood, take a bow, and Ben Mackenzie with his weird nose is right there on the cugly list). Hnery Darrow as Manolito in High Chapparral (wow, this is ancient history). Sol Star is the only Jewish person identified on the show, so he is immediately an outsider in that respect. They might be the left out member of a family, or an orphan.
They ususally also have some kind of special skill, whether it be languages, weaponry, tech knowledge, or just the aforementioned brains. James Spader as Daniel Jackson in Stargate was a classic cugly; kind of appealing/kind of strange looks, brilliant, polyglot, orphan, complete civilan outsider amongst the military. Classic cugly, ticking every box. Jacob Pitts as Tim Gutterson on Justified - he's the army vet with PTSD, brilliant sniper, mysterious personal life (come on writers, bloody give him one!)
Cuglies are almost never the main guy. They are the co-star, the best mate, the one-of-the-gang.
If you consider all those listed above, none of them are typically handsome. They are appealing - at least, I think so - but I completely understand that, taken feature by feature, they're not obviously, objectively gorgeous. I have read that we are attracted to people at our own level of appeal. I don't think this is strictly true, and particularly not when we are looking at fantasy figures, but there might be some element of truth to it - perhaps I like these 'lesser' looking blokes because on some level they are more within my range, so to speak?
I suspect the outsider status is just an angst magnet for me. When an element of isolation is inbuilt, the opportunity for angst is endless, and you know angst makes me a happy, happy woman. Which brings me to the two huge anomalies in my theory - Paul Gross/Benton Fraser and Jensen Ackles/ Dean Winchester.
These two are wildly good-looking. I mean, stupidly handsome to the point of beautiful. And in the case of Benton Fraser, the star of the show. Ordinarily, I would have bet on being attracted to David Marciano as Ray, but he was too stupid for me to be interested in the beginning, and then when I heard more about Marciano off-screen it killed any incipient interest. But somehow Fraser got to me, and I broke the habit of a lifetime.
However, in other ways, he was classic cugly bait. He was the definitive outsider, and he had tremendous intelligence, skills and honour.
Dean Winchester, too, has intelligence, skills and is an outsider. Somehow, with both these actors/characters, these latent cugly traits overcame the appalling fact of them being main characters and bloody gorgeous. I'm still shaking my head.
So - am I alone in this? In finding Ted Raimi as Tim on DSV Seaquest (tech superstar and communicated with dolphins) kind of cute, and Dan Futterman on Judging Amy (misunderstood writer/ young brother) being delicious? I'll look straight past Channing Tatum to focus on Jamie Bell in 'The Eagle' (a slave, a Celt amongst Romans, courageous, full of knowledge about the land - oh, Jamie, you cugly, you).
Is it the outsider/sidekick for you?
The catching up on work part meant working all weekend, two weeks in a row, but before that I actually had three weeks' sick leave, something I've never had before in my working life. It meant I got to see a lot of tv on DVD, and I am very grateful to dugindeep for insisting that I watch Deadwood, because I thought it was marvellous. But I also realised again something that I always knew; I am a sucker for cuglies.
What are cuglies, you ask? Cute/uglies. Sidekicks. Co-stars. People of so little imediately obvious appeal that when you tell others you're rather hot and sweaty for that particular character, they go, "Him?" In that politely disbelieving, confused way of Arrested Development's, 'Her?'
Which is why Jensen Ackles is all wrong and I have no business being remotely interested in him.
Watching Deadwood it was clear that I should adore the mean, moody and magnificent Seth, played by M3 actor, Timothy Olyphant. So who did my heart go out to? His big nosed, weedy little mate, soulful Sol Star, played by John Hawkes.
This is typical. I will not go for classic cleancut hero boy (see Captain America) when I can go for squashnosed, pug-eyed sidekick (see Hawkeye).
There are usually a number of elements at play for a cugly to sweep in and slay me. They are invariably intelligent; I have never been attracted to a stupid character, and intelligence is probably the first claim to my attention. It's why I don't understand folk who can look at a cast photograph of an unaired show and hone in on the bloke with the biceps as being their go-to crush. Well, no, not if bicep boy is a dickhead with no brains or honour. Don't care what he looks like in a cut off T shirt, ain't happening if the only thing upstairs is a shapely mullet. (Equally, I'm always amazed at peole who can write slash on the basis of character bios - but that's another chat, for another day).
Beyond intelligence, cuglies are usually outsiders. They'll be the lone American among the Brits (Dexter Fletcher/Spike on Press Gang), the lone Brit among the Americans (Richard Dawson/Newkirk in Hogan's Heroes - hey, I was 14). Peter Sumner as Gunther on Spyforce (a truly bizarre early Aussie series) where he is the lone German lost amidst Jack Thompson's Australian ego. Paul Darrow/Avon, the lone sort-of bad guy on Blake's Seven. Ilya Kuryakin, the Russian amongst the Yanks. Hawkeye one of only two 'ordinary' humans in The Avengers. Alexander Siddig/Julian Bashir on Deep Space Nine (brilliant doctor, socially inept). The poor little rich boy among peasants, the peasant amongst the upperclass (Ryan Attwood, take a bow, and Ben Mackenzie with his weird nose is right there on the cugly list). Hnery Darrow as Manolito in High Chapparral (wow, this is ancient history). Sol Star is the only Jewish person identified on the show, so he is immediately an outsider in that respect. They might be the left out member of a family, or an orphan.
They ususally also have some kind of special skill, whether it be languages, weaponry, tech knowledge, or just the aforementioned brains. James Spader as Daniel Jackson in Stargate was a classic cugly; kind of appealing/kind of strange looks, brilliant, polyglot, orphan, complete civilan outsider amongst the military. Classic cugly, ticking every box. Jacob Pitts as Tim Gutterson on Justified - he's the army vet with PTSD, brilliant sniper, mysterious personal life (come on writers, bloody give him one!)
Cuglies are almost never the main guy. They are the co-star, the best mate, the one-of-the-gang.
If you consider all those listed above, none of them are typically handsome. They are appealing - at least, I think so - but I completely understand that, taken feature by feature, they're not obviously, objectively gorgeous. I have read that we are attracted to people at our own level of appeal. I don't think this is strictly true, and particularly not when we are looking at fantasy figures, but there might be some element of truth to it - perhaps I like these 'lesser' looking blokes because on some level they are more within my range, so to speak?
I suspect the outsider status is just an angst magnet for me. When an element of isolation is inbuilt, the opportunity for angst is endless, and you know angst makes me a happy, happy woman. Which brings me to the two huge anomalies in my theory - Paul Gross/Benton Fraser and Jensen Ackles/ Dean Winchester.
These two are wildly good-looking. I mean, stupidly handsome to the point of beautiful. And in the case of Benton Fraser, the star of the show. Ordinarily, I would have bet on being attracted to David Marciano as Ray, but he was too stupid for me to be interested in the beginning, and then when I heard more about Marciano off-screen it killed any incipient interest. But somehow Fraser got to me, and I broke the habit of a lifetime.
However, in other ways, he was classic cugly bait. He was the definitive outsider, and he had tremendous intelligence, skills and honour.
Dean Winchester, too, has intelligence, skills and is an outsider. Somehow, with both these actors/characters, these latent cugly traits overcame the appalling fact of them being main characters and bloody gorgeous. I'm still shaking my head.
So - am I alone in this? In finding Ted Raimi as Tim on DSV Seaquest (tech superstar and communicated with dolphins) kind of cute, and Dan Futterman on Judging Amy (misunderstood writer/ young brother) being delicious? I'll look straight past Channing Tatum to focus on Jamie Bell in 'The Eagle' (a slave, a Celt amongst Romans, courageous, full of knowledge about the land - oh, Jamie, you cugly, you).
Is it the outsider/sidekick for you?