Choices
I've been reading some great meta posts about show lately. One of the best was by ash48 (I'll put a link in below), wherein she analysed each line of Dean's accusations whilst under the influence of the spectre. (Following 'Asylum' and BUABS, and 'Sex and Violence', and now this one, I think we need RUI - Ranting Under the Influence).
So Dean was RUI, and he said the following (approx):
Those aren't mistakes, Sam, those are *choices*.
Ash48 and those responding to her have written a great deal about how much Dean has to grow and move on and so on, but I think one important thing when reflecting on this line has been forgotten - and that's the fact that Dean has already done this. In Swansong, he put it out there: Sam's an adult, he, Dean, doesn't get to 'let' him make choices, Sam makes them in his own right.
This was extraordinarily brave and very significant for Dean. He'd been leading up to it throughout S5, and much of what he said (I have to remember you're an adult now, Sam) tells us that he was taking the parental role of *responsibility* for Sam's choices. In the same way a parent feels to blame when their child fucks up, so Dean had been carrying Sam's mistakes in his own kitbag of guilt. And in Swansong, he lets that go. He basically tells Sam that he's cutting the apron strings. Sam has always made his own choices, of course, but Dean has always carried the burden and the heartache for them.
Now you make them and I don't get to have a say, Dean tells Sam, and this is monumental.
However: cue review of what has happened ever since Dean did that.
The first thing, of course, is that Sam goes straight to hell. Parents' worst nightmare, right? And of course it was the right call, and of course Dean felt pride and love for his brother for doing it. But there is always that other side, and Dean copped it in full; despair, grief, overwhelming pain. His brother made a choice, was destroyed, and Dean suffered horribly.
Then Sam's back, and Dean discovers that Sam has *chosen* to keep him ignorant of the fact for a year. Remember, at first he had no clue about the loss of Sam's soul- all he knows is that Sam chose to hide from him, leaving him continuing his furtive, desperate search for any way to get him out, and leaving him to the grief that must have been appalling. That's a massive scar, right there. So a second choice, and one that had Sam cutting Dean out of his life and leaving him in torment.
The Campbells, and Sam choosing to work with them - another choice, and a bad one. Sam cannot be blamed for any of this, of course, and rationally I'm sure Dean doesn't; but in that emotional part of him, there's someone waving his arms and yelling, "See? See what happens when you make the choices??" The soulless aspect must be very hard for anyone to grasp; the person you love most in the world is right beside you, acting almost exactly as you'd expect them to act, same voice, same smile, same face, and yet he's not quite right? Dean was attuned enough to pick it up pretty quickly, but it must have taken constant effort; and the emotional scarring of Sam's choices was already done.
And now Sam's latest 'choice', as Dean experiences it; Sam 'chooses' to 'take a year off'. If you've read my previous metas, you know that what I think happened is that he had a nervous breakdown, but Dean knows nothing of this. All Dean knows is that Sam makes a choice not to try and help him when he was in Purgatory.
Now, from Dean's POV, it was fighting behind enemy lines and always thinking, "It's okay, Sam's on the outside - relief will come any minute." At any time, he'd see that metaphorical rescue chopper in the sky. In the meantime he has to keep surviving, of course, but Sam will come through for him.
After organising his own airlift, to find out that Sam hadn't been doing a damn thing must have *hurt*, terribly. Another choice, another bad one.
And lastly, a choice that cuts right to Dean's loyal, saving-others quick - the choice not to help Kevin. Again, I think Sam was incapacitated, incapable of thinking of anyone or anything for a while. But for Dean, abandoning Kevin to his fate was another choice Sam has made that tells him Sam makes very bad choices.
So I think this is all playing out under the surface for Dean. I think he had grown, had acknowledged Sam's autonomy, had allowed him to grow up - and from his POV, almost everything that has followed since has been disastrous. Part of his regression to 'hunt and be damned' mode comes from his wired state post-Purgatory. But I think another part of it comes from an unrecognised need to get back to the dynamic that allowed Dean to call the shots, because from his POV this whole 'letting Sam be an adult' approach has brought almost nothing but tremendous pain to him, to Sam, and to others.
So Dean was RUI, and he said the following (approx):
Those aren't mistakes, Sam, those are *choices*.
Ash48 and those responding to her have written a great deal about how much Dean has to grow and move on and so on, but I think one important thing when reflecting on this line has been forgotten - and that's the fact that Dean has already done this. In Swansong, he put it out there: Sam's an adult, he, Dean, doesn't get to 'let' him make choices, Sam makes them in his own right.
This was extraordinarily brave and very significant for Dean. He'd been leading up to it throughout S5, and much of what he said (I have to remember you're an adult now, Sam) tells us that he was taking the parental role of *responsibility* for Sam's choices. In the same way a parent feels to blame when their child fucks up, so Dean had been carrying Sam's mistakes in his own kitbag of guilt. And in Swansong, he lets that go. He basically tells Sam that he's cutting the apron strings. Sam has always made his own choices, of course, but Dean has always carried the burden and the heartache for them.
Now you make them and I don't get to have a say, Dean tells Sam, and this is monumental.
However: cue review of what has happened ever since Dean did that.
The first thing, of course, is that Sam goes straight to hell. Parents' worst nightmare, right? And of course it was the right call, and of course Dean felt pride and love for his brother for doing it. But there is always that other side, and Dean copped it in full; despair, grief, overwhelming pain. His brother made a choice, was destroyed, and Dean suffered horribly.
Then Sam's back, and Dean discovers that Sam has *chosen* to keep him ignorant of the fact for a year. Remember, at first he had no clue about the loss of Sam's soul- all he knows is that Sam chose to hide from him, leaving him continuing his furtive, desperate search for any way to get him out, and leaving him to the grief that must have been appalling. That's a massive scar, right there. So a second choice, and one that had Sam cutting Dean out of his life and leaving him in torment.
The Campbells, and Sam choosing to work with them - another choice, and a bad one. Sam cannot be blamed for any of this, of course, and rationally I'm sure Dean doesn't; but in that emotional part of him, there's someone waving his arms and yelling, "See? See what happens when you make the choices??" The soulless aspect must be very hard for anyone to grasp; the person you love most in the world is right beside you, acting almost exactly as you'd expect them to act, same voice, same smile, same face, and yet he's not quite right? Dean was attuned enough to pick it up pretty quickly, but it must have taken constant effort; and the emotional scarring of Sam's choices was already done.
And now Sam's latest 'choice', as Dean experiences it; Sam 'chooses' to 'take a year off'. If you've read my previous metas, you know that what I think happened is that he had a nervous breakdown, but Dean knows nothing of this. All Dean knows is that Sam makes a choice not to try and help him when he was in Purgatory.
Now, from Dean's POV, it was fighting behind enemy lines and always thinking, "It's okay, Sam's on the outside - relief will come any minute." At any time, he'd see that metaphorical rescue chopper in the sky. In the meantime he has to keep surviving, of course, but Sam will come through for him.
After organising his own airlift, to find out that Sam hadn't been doing a damn thing must have *hurt*, terribly. Another choice, another bad one.
And lastly, a choice that cuts right to Dean's loyal, saving-others quick - the choice not to help Kevin. Again, I think Sam was incapacitated, incapable of thinking of anyone or anything for a while. But for Dean, abandoning Kevin to his fate was another choice Sam has made that tells him Sam makes very bad choices.
So I think this is all playing out under the surface for Dean. I think he had grown, had acknowledged Sam's autonomy, had allowed him to grow up - and from his POV, almost everything that has followed since has been disastrous. Part of his regression to 'hunt and be damned' mode comes from his wired state post-Purgatory. But I think another part of it comes from an unrecognised need to get back to the dynamic that allowed Dean to call the shots, because from his POV this whole 'letting Sam be an adult' approach has brought almost nothing but tremendous pain to him, to Sam, and to others.