Hard to love. Hard to love.

Apr 07, 2014 14:20

Hello old friend,
Here are my thoughts for this chilly April day:

I can't imagine I'm the only one, but occasionally, I am known to go through fits of sadness because of how the world is functioning. It is indeed a broad topic and seems almost silly to be something that I'd be willing to spend hours out of a day dwelling on. However, the way I see it.. if no one were to concern themselves with the broad aspects of life we'd all miss out on the grander picture. The common saying reminds us that it's the small things in life that keep us happy; but I'd like to think simply because we focus too much on the little thing we tend to miss out on the importance of so many monumental happenings which occur right in front of us, every day.

My birthday was about a month ago and the turnout of friends was amazing. Not only was it my birthday but it was my best friend's birthday too. For the second time we were able to celebrate it together. The quality of people that showed superseded the quantity and as the night grew darker I was reminded of how lucky I was to have them around. Not only did I feel lucky but at the same time I realized how different my life was compared to our tattered pasts.

Surrounding oneself with good people and fostering healthy relationships has everything to do with what kind of energy you exert into the world. Are you kind to others? Are your intentions usually benign? Are you faithful? Are you positive? Are you confident?

For the longest time I didn't include the final question of confidence into my terms for relational attraction. However after evaluating the components of what it took to attract like-minded people, confidence has become one of the more important aspects. Not only confidence in others but confidence in oneself. Don't get me wrong... I have been known to mask my lack-there-of with sarcasm and smiles. I have been known to put up a strong front to be able to face hardships. I have also recycled friendships so as to not get too close to anyone. Looking back, I don't regret my reactionary self-defense because as a consequence of "faking it till I make it" I actually ended up making it. That poser-like strength is real now and how I figured it out was nothing but delectable.

I was recently questioned upon my integrity. I was told that I had a tendency of being two completely different people. That I was in a way, a hypocrite for not allowing my vulnerable state to show in front of people that I wasn't certain if I could trust. This came from individuals who have been battling with their own pain and their own demons for as long as they've been holding onto them. Their perception on how I was supposed to act and what they deserved did not mirror their view on how they felt about themselves and how much they were willing to let go of their past and regain their sense of "Self". It's difficult to remind oneself daily that the past is just that... the past; and that what we do in the present will undeniably impact what will be our future. We are not defined by our past. If we cope with our previous battle wounds with resentment then that is what we will set ourselves up with. If you become defensive... you will constantly have your guard up. If you give up... you will lose respect for yourself and will inherently find it difficult to be respected by others.

These friends I'm referring to were so convincing of my hypocrisy that I actually began to doubt my reality. Am I really two different people? Am I really so defensive that I push people away? When did others take rule over my wants and desires? Should I change?

It didn't take me long to realize that the impact that these individuals were having were close to killing something very beautiful that I possessed. Instead of dwelling and instead of fighting against the stubbornness of selfish decisiveness I proceeded to remove myself from the negativity and work on the one thing that I have all control over... Me.

I hopped in my car.
And I left.

Not forever! Not even for very long. In my journey I was able to lose all cellphone reception and as a consequence I was able to remove myself successfully from everything I knew. I plotted my attack on a little town with a population of 651 and a city where, if you blinked, you may as well have had to turn around to get back to it. It was quaint and alluring. Desolate and ominous, innocent and simple. I knew no one and no one knew me.

My sarcasm faded into genuine dialogue. My guard was let down from lack of judgment and the relationships that I created temporarily may have meant more to me than some of the judgmental bullsh*t I had going on back at home. I was able to take a small moment and compare it to a larger picture. The genuine acceptance I experienced from the people who surrounded me in this little town melted my heart and warmed my soul. My doubt was relinquished through the kind words of an older gentleman who told me never lose my free spirited nature and that he would forever remember making my acquaintance. My rebellious social antics weren't shunned but rather embraced by a couple and seen as the potential for a new and interesting friend. A person with stories both good and bad and a person who feared no one and could stand alone for what they believe in if need be. I met a man who liked me for me and was willing to ditch what he knew just to get to know a stranger for a couple of hours. The Harbor was laced in leftover snow and ice, and the wind, although piercing took with it all the negativity that I had brought up with me. I felt a weight being lifted and a familiar entity reestablishing a sense of comfort within itself. The simplicity of the nature around me, the hugs, the kisses, the laughs, all of it reminded me that if I had the choice to be someone else I wouldn't take it.

Who am I?
I'm ME. I'm passion. I'm random. I'm free-spirited, stubborn, a lover, a friend, a silly bean, a product of my environment. I'm a genuine soul, a good person and an adventurer. I make mistakes. I hurt. I remember. I forgive. I'm irreplaceable. I'm strong.

...So, answer me this... Who are YOU? And who gave YOU the right to question anyone but yourself?

If anything, I wish that everyone can be granted the opportunity to reestablish their identity on their terms, whether it require a spontaneous trip or a simple thought in the right direction. Trust me! It's worth it! YOU'RE WORTH IT!

Love. Buckets. Puddles.
<3 Me.
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