Food for thought
I was gonna update this thing as stage 2 of the healing process from having the man you love break your heart. Just so happens, the following lyrics came up
FAITH~
Don’t be afraid to feel this way
Gonna make you understand
It’s not about you, cause I am the fool
Building castles in the sand
If I am crazy, just don’t care
It doesn’t mean I don’t want you near,
This is the story about me and you
And it’s called...
Faith.
So many times and so many ways
I didn’t know just where to go,
You gave me a sign and opened my eyes
That’s the reason why I know
That you are different, you’re still here
I guess you figured me out right then
Now I believe that we can make it through
And that’s called...
Faith. Right beside you is where I’ll stay.
Just take me as I am... so please... have faith.
So don’t be afraid... to feel this way...
Just hear me out... Stay.
...and that’s called...
Faith.
I sent these lyrics to this man a while ago because they rang true to me. I know I'm a little crazy... Crazy good and crazy bad.. and the bad, just like the good will always be there, all I can really do about the bad is tame it! I love this man, I want this man, but I drove this man to a stressful decision. I took his life and somehow thought I had an opinion on his do's and dont's...The thing is though, I don't nearly have the right to do that to anyone but myself. And even then I hadn't! At the same time, it was his motivation and his ambition which i liked about him to begin with! How dare I be so direspectful as to think that I could sway him one way or the other on his future? Disrespect...
Matt mentioned to me yesterday when we were discussing my affinity for this man that for a man, respect is almost, if not more important than love. Let's face it, men have ego's that shouldn't be put aside because girls have emotions. At the same time, girls' feelings shouldnt ever be disregarded because of a man's ego. Anyway, this ego, boys have... It's healthy! It's more than healthy... It makes a boy a man. As for the ladies, emotions make us girls, controlling those emotions makes us women. A relationship then, is based on respect!! Respect for a man's ego and for a woman's feelings.
Truth is, I hurt. I cant recall the last time I wanted to crawl up into a little ball and disappear because of this man. Regardless of any flaws he may have had he made me comfortable and warm on the inside. And maybe that's when I got selfish... This man, in all his wonder made ME happy!! That hadnt happened in a while and I blamed my past. The past...yeah, it has a very big impact on what we are in the future. But the past and the future never meet in the present. The past is meant to stay there, the present is a culmination of the lessons learned and the future is a better understanding of those lessons. This man listened. He listened with his heart but mostly with his head. He's logical and he only spoke the truth. I told him things I never spoke of and that just made him love me more. I love his love. In his logical mind, however, he had a hard time talking as much as I did (about feelings). I thought I could help him break through that...but as I mentioned before, we all are crazy good and crazy bad, and to think that his way of "being" could be "better" is, again, disrespectful! He tried so hard for me...He wrote me a note regardless of how difficult it was for him (injured writing thumb included!) He danced silly with me in the middle of Kaitlan and Mark's house--just because he could! He learned to dance salsa, gave me the last bite of a shared pizza slice, found cool rocks for me, let me drive his truck, let me tuck my toes under his legs to keep them warm, had me meet his family, drove to see me everyday.......
And I took it for granted.
Coz two days ago, he made a decision and in my selfishness...I tried to stop him from making it. I convinced myself that we would be fine, but his logical mind knew that the way things were, we would only get worse... Yet I didnt respect that decision. I hurt, but, I don't blame him. I hurt, because I let my past affect my present... which ended up affecting what I wanted in the future---Him. In his radiance, in his logic, in his playfulness...Him.
I wish I could have realized this before... I wish he knew I was sorry.