Ollaan kaikki mukana yskinäiset...
Hope everyone had a good New Year's Eve/Day! :) I did for the most part.
I've just been thinking about things...if my plans hadn't fallen through, then I'd be in Seattle and waiting to get on a plane taking me to Suomi. I am definitely still sad that that isn't happening now. I spent at least 8 months getting myself ready for a big experience like that, only to find out at the very end that it just wasn't going to happen. But on the other hand, I think I've been given some pretty strong signs the whole way. I've been struggling with paperwork, communications, and finances the entire time just to try to make this happen. And then the last wave of expenses hit me: my accompanist's fee, my residence permit, and my plane ticket. The last two were really what killed me; I had been struggling all semester to be able to afford them, right up until the very, very, very last minute, and then I had unexpectedly large expenses for my accompanist and my plane ticket to my first grad school audition. There was just no way it was going to happen. I really do feel like God told me "not yet". But I still can't help feeling like I cheated myself out of something big.
I'm getting to a point where I'm a little tired of being single. There are things that are very nice about it to be sure, but I'm feeling the loneliness again. I keep thinking about the children that I want to have in the future, and the other father that those children are going to have. I know he's out there somewhere in the world, and I pray that I will find him. But it's more than clear by now that he's not here in or around Moscow. I love this place so much. But I can't wait to get out of here. It's almost time. I could just stay here for the foreseeable future. But I'll never move forward in life and keep growing up if I don't go somewhere with more opportunities for me. Even if that somewhere else is halfway across the country. I hope that wherever I go, the man that I seek may be there. (And the opportunities that I need, of course.)
On a lighter note: Igor Cukrov is one of the most attractive men. Ever.
(He recorded that song in Spanish as well.) He has a couple other songs that I've found that I just freakin' love. He's already super attractive, but he also has such a beautiful voice and his high notes are clear and wonderful...he makes me melt, I'm not gonna lie. Makes me wish I knew one of the South Slavic languages so I could understand.
I've just been thinking about things...if my plans hadn't fallen through, then I'd be in Seattle and waiting to get on a plane taking me to Suomi. I am definitely still sad that that isn't happening now. I spent at least 8 months getting myself ready for a big experience like that, only to find out at the very end that it just wasn't going to happen. But on the other hand, I think I've been given some pretty strong signs the whole way. I've been struggling with paperwork, communications, and finances the entire time just to try to make this happen. And then the last wave of expenses hit me: my accompanist's fee, my residence permit, and my plane ticket. The last two were really what killed me; I had been struggling all semester to be able to afford them, right up until the very, very, very last minute, and then I had unexpectedly large expenses for my accompanist and my plane ticket to my first grad school audition. There was just no way it was going to happen. I really do feel like God told me "not yet". But I still can't help feeling like I cheated myself out of something big.
I'm getting to a point where I'm a little tired of being single. There are things that are very nice about it to be sure, but I'm feeling the loneliness again. I keep thinking about the children that I want to have in the future, and the other father that those children are going to have. I know he's out there somewhere in the world, and I pray that I will find him. But it's more than clear by now that he's not here in or around Moscow. I love this place so much. But I can't wait to get out of here. It's almost time. I could just stay here for the foreseeable future. But I'll never move forward in life and keep growing up if I don't go somewhere with more opportunities for me. Even if that somewhere else is halfway across the country. I hope that wherever I go, the man that I seek may be there. (And the opportunities that I need, of course.)
On a lighter note: Igor Cukrov is one of the most attractive men. Ever.
Click to view(He recorded that song in Spanish as well.) He has a couple other songs that I've found that I just freakin' love. He's already super attractive, but he also has such a beautiful voice and his high notes are clear and wonderful...he makes me melt, I'm not gonna lie. Makes me wish I knew one of the South Slavic languages so I could understand.