everlong
for the past hour i've been listening to the song to which i think i lost my virginity, and which acted as a soundtrack for the bitter, bitter end of the longest relationship i've had thus far. the end reprising the fear that existed in the beginning. i haven't looked forward to winter breaks, to having to revisit the site of something completely awful, unresolved, a self contained monster continually swallowing itself and spitting out at me when i least expect it. so maybe through this song i'm preparing myself for the return to the beginning, a beginning that now only exists after the end. but maybe i'm also ready to eject myself from this trajectory into something at once parallel and obverse, to feel all those feelings of the sweetest fear in another. i can only cross my fingers.