Oct 27, 2011 21:58
nightmares are so fun,
kagome come comfort her,
go away naraku,
!accidental video,
not!happy sango,
i hate the animus,
being a demon slayer sucks,
blood and gore,
breaking point?,
what a night,
no really fml,
devastated,
knock--i mean talk some sense,
feeling like shit,
*adstringendum,
!event,
brb crying my eyes out,
kill me now,
inuyasha this is all your fault,
not the greatest situation,
fml,
why me
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Yet with every new feed he saw, the more his heart broke. These people-- they felt pain for the dead just like him. So what would be the right solution? To ignore it, of course! That was though, until his eyes seemed to glance at a name-- his name. ]
No...
[ A gasp instantly caught in the boy's throat. For a moment he couldn't breathe. Just stare in a horrific state as time seemed to stop around him. That name... his name. Hands shook and a tightening in his chest cause the younger boy to stumble where he stood. It hurt-- it hurt.
That's right. He died. So then the person who saw this was--
It was hard, so hard to make his next move when realization stirred as to who was seeing all of this as well. Sango. Sh- she was hurting too, wasn't she? That, above even seeing his own grave, hurt the most. To know that she was suffering more because of him.
So silently, with a huge hole in his heart, Kohaku shakily pressed the buttons for his coordinates while keeping his facial expression a secret. ]
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I know this is strange for you, but...
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Please indulge me.
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Th- the expression... he never wanted to see her look like that.
Eyes softening and the tips of his lips twitching into a tight frown, Kohaku could only watch in his half remorse state as the female took a step closer. ]
I--
[ And before he could say anything further-- afkgb the embrace. Wh- what? Flustered at first, yes, but when his body cracked under the awkward stiff state, it finally began to relax.
He'll indulge her alright, mainly for selfish reasons. Her warmth... touch... he wanted to feel all of that again. He was scared, unsure, and alone-- well, not anymore right?
So with one quiet and steady movement Kohaku will draw his arms up to wrap around her back. Gently pushing himself up against her to fill in any gap that was left behind.
Please don't be sad ane-ue... ]
I'm sorry.
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[He's everything now. Maybe he wasn't always everything to her, but he's become it. The last connection she has to a place, a culture, a lifetime far away. The last memory, the last comrade, the last family, the last chance to not have lost everything. The last thing keeping her from being the last, the last thing keeping her from being alone in a way no friend can understand or remedy.]
[He is everything. Her brother. Her first priority, her last chance, her only link to the person she could've been.]
[And Adstringendum has only emphasized it.]
For what?
[She murmurs against his temple, unwilling to let go. Just give her a moment more. She doesn't usually allow herself these touches, these unmasked feelings... so just a moment more...]
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It was the first time, even though he had ran into her many a times while with Naraku, that he felt so much grief in one person. To know that such a strong willed being could crash this easily... just because of him. It was startling at first, a thought creeping in the back of his mind that he was the cause of this. The cause of her breaking down and showing her walls fall down.
For that he was sorry.
And yet when he tried to open his mouth to speak again, nothing came. He tried, but the bottling in his chest only got tighter. His shoulders shook, legs shook, and in that tiny moment of the embrace... Kohaku began to sob.
Not just a herd of sniffles. No, a hurt, agonizing wail as his hold grew tighter-- whitening to the knuckles. He didn't know why-- he couldn't understand it at all. Why, why now? Maybe it was being held in for too long, maybe it was the embrace, who knew. The only thing that was certain was a small boy curled into the arms of someone he truly loved. Loved... more than anything. ]
-- for everything--!
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[With a chest so tight she can hardly move, she gently pulls him away just far enough so that she can see his face, can see those tears, those liquid heartbreaks, real and not another hallucination.]
[And it hits her like a ton of bricks, an intangible blow that both knocks her senseless and lets waves of burden roll off of her. There's a violent shake of her shoulders before the rest of her can react and the shock crumples off of her face into tentative recognition, into hurt and relief.]
You remember, don't you?
[It's a whisper, so hoarse, so full of delicate hope that she never lets herself indulge in anymore. She lets go of him altogether and shudders, covers her mouth, closes her eyes, waves of unbidden emotion rolling over her and threatening to sweep her away.]
[The first tear she's ever shed in Adstringendum rolls down her face in weighted silence.]
You remember. Oh, gods...
[She grabs hold of him again, suddenly, fiercely and tightly--no longer the clutch of a desperate woman so close to the edge, but the hold of a protector with renewed (if half-mad) fervor. He remembers. He remembers. He remembers.]
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She knows.
Of course she would figure out. He wasn't exactly the sneakiest. Whenever threatened or afraid that the secret would come to the surface, he would run. That's the only thing this boy knew how to do. But in this moment holding to Sango with every inch of his life... all the barriers were broken. There was no where to hide, and no where to run. Everything right now and finally lied out into the open.
Kohaku heard the whisper and even saw that tear, but said nothing. How was she to react? Would she be happy, upset, or even disapproving. He couldn't tell. Along with the blurred version from his own tears the boy tried to make sense but was unable to. Everything was going too fast at once.
And that's when it happened. ]
Ah! [ The sudden drawback stunned him into a tiny gasp, eyes never wavering from their plastered wide position. She hugged him, she hugged him. Even after everything that he did, all the pain he brought to her, all the lies... she still welcomed him into her arms. ]
Ane--... [ Voice completely rasp by this point, Kohaku only leaned into the hug. Throwing his arms tightly around her waist and burrowing that small head of hair into her shoulder.
No more hiding. ]
Ane-ue... ane-ue- !!
[ Guess who started up the waterworks again? ]
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[Ane-ue.]
[She's heard it in her head, in her dreams--in her nightmares--and it's been so long since it's been real, vibrations in the foggy air, tangible in itself and in the emotion it carries; a broken sound from a broken boy whose broken life's pieces are scattered around her. Around her.]
[Echoing alongside it is second-best, second-best. She told Riku that he could only be her second best, just like she could only be his. But she's been looking at the quiet smile of a timid boy who looked completely enraptured by something as simple as the joy of a few kittens, the face of someone who is and always will be number one and didn't even know it--who didn't know what he meant to her at all--who didn't know who he was, who she was--]
[Except he knows. He knows now and maybe he's always known, and it occurs to her in a stab of pain that he could've known for months and never have told her, but the pain is fleeting and inconsequential and it doesn't matter. Nothing matters except that he remembers, and that he can bear to remember; and it's this moment that lets her know that second best is absolutely, unconditionally worth it. Everything she's sacrificed, everything she will continue to sacrifice and knows it--for this moment, it's worth it.]
[The moment when he is not the shell of a boy in her shell of a heart but something beautiful and brilliant and stained to wrap around. This is the moment that she will use to explain to everyone she's ever loved that he comes first.]
[And they won't understand, and it won't matter. She has what matters right here in her arms and she is surprised to remember what happy feels like.]
[One is gone. Two, three, four, five, the teardrops trickle and she shakes and the salt drips into his hair, too late to stop them or reign them in. Tears not just for him, but for everything; from their mother, to their father and extended family; for Shinosuke, her dearest childhood friend, and his children that were killed in the massacre, along with all the rest of the villagers; for Riku's death, for the departure of Naruto, and Bubbles, and especially Rin; for the kittens who would grow up without half of their family and for Kirara whose mate was long gone; for everyone she couldn't save and everyone she'll fail to.]
[She cannot promise herself she will not cry again, but she can promise herself to try. Just this once to clean the slate, to wash it clean and start again, open and empty and canvas for yet more scars--and she'll be alright--as long as she can just feel the ragged sobs raking up her throat and spilling out. As long as she has him here, for the moment, and as long as she knows that someday he'll remember for good, she'll be alright. She'll survive.]
I'm right here, Kohaku. I'm right here. I always will be.
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