Wherein I stare in the face of my crazy and raise you a hope and a dream
There are times when I forget to post about what happens after the rants.
So here is the newsflash:
As of today, I do not own the fealty of any human property.
Erin, my girl, just asked for release today, and it was the right time. 3 years
I was meant to be hers for a short while so that she could become the amazing person I knew she was. It is great to see her bloom into her self love and empowerment. I am one hundred percent about that. I look forward to many years of continued friendship.
Ryan was released Sunday morning. 6 years
He feels that it is time to try a different relationship model(in our case an equal relationship(Well, in so much as anyone can have one with me, see dominant,entitled pain in the...), and this will hopefully help get him where his head and his heart match. He has also grown and changed, and to be honest there are moments when defenestration was(is) a serious option for me. There is so much love between him and I though. So while the relationship is not perfect, we have decided to stay together. Also he is working (YAY JOB!) for the first time in 4 years. Good job, 12 hour grave shifts Fri.Sat. and Sun., good pay, but an hour each way commute. This does allow him to still go to school. Also he is just the type of man who if he is not making money, he is 8 shades of useless and unhappy. I blame the midwest. There are, however, worse traits.
BUT...we can't make plans for the immediate future, because we have no idea what that will bring.
We only agree that no matter what we are moving by the end of May. We will both have our bachelor degrees, and then hopefully a plan. I might be headed overseas, he may or may not want to go with me. Especially because I am trying for Morocco, and he is unsure if he could live there for a year (see prior marine 3 tours) and I respect that. I need to follow my dreams, and I have wanted to go there since I was 14.
He will be looking for engineering work, and that might mean Minneapolis, or anyplace that is hiring. He needs to work for 2 years as an engineer before he can take the test and become a licensed engineer.
We are still discussing children together.
I am also looking at Graduate programs...so it is very hard to see where we might be pulled.
The only thing we know right now is that we love each other, and we are trying our best to make sure we can give what we can to see each other succeed.This will include living apart for a bit if we have to, because quite frankly, we must do what we are called to.
I think most of my leather family mostly like the fact that they can belong to something without codenames and passwords. so many years.
Previous marriage - 13 years (11 married)
So what does it mean?
(Woo warning)
It means, for the first time since I was 17 years old, I do not have a major responsibility based relationship. I am not married. I am not an Owner.
The only person I am beholden to is me.
It feels, weird. It feels like energy, and wildness. It feels like possibility and fullness. It feels like that moment between someone telling you to open your eyes and when you do it.
It feels like the beginning of an adventure...
It means when the wild geese call, I can actually follow them. I have never been in a position to do so before. I automatically deny myself the going, because of the responsibilities I take on. Next year, some other time, time is not right, and insert excuse here so on.
It means I have no restrictions on my sex or play life(although we have our "this would make me happy" agreement). I honestly don't know what that looks like. I have to re-meet me. How odd.
That does not mean that this week has not been hurtful, pain ridden and draining. It has been all of that. I process things very quickly, yet I still struggle with some sadness as is appropriate. My world shifted within 48 hours. I trust in my committee and the universe, and my experience has taught me that I am about to be pointed emphatically in a direction. Yesterday one of the grads who is leaving left me a handblown glass conch shell on my desk. It is frosted white. She said it was made by a Pakistani woman at Haystack mountain school for her, but that she was pretty sure it was mine. There were tears, to be sure.
Now, I may bitch and moan about where I live, and for good reason, but it is on the coast. When I was so down and hurt, and questioning myself and my path, I received art, a shell, Yemaya's symbol and Agwe's as well, the color of Obatala and Damballah. Mother, Father, Lover, Guide, and I am listening.
I walk Oya's path in many ways, a goddess of change through destruction, of gateways and choices. That does not mean that this is all my influence, or all who I am.
I also have to go back to Ireland(other than for my humans), because when I notice, it seems I feel Lugh out of the corner of my eye...and since I have never been one to ignore a sneaky and crafty Irishman, because I have good sense, I will just see what he wants. No, he apparently does not make house calls.(At least not to me. You think he could cut a girl a break, you know Boston is only an hour away but NOOOOOOO...Cheeky.)(I feel it is a long way to go to essentially go "WHAT????!!!!")
I am an artist. I am a healer. I have sneaking suspicions about being a diplomat.. and it hurts my brain, but feels right.
I am back on facebook. Jury is out on good idea/bad idea, but I feel less cut off, less lonely, and I am enjoying the silliness that can be the internet, although I am already tired of the post it now evangelists, but what can you do.
Still working on commissions and product. Studio hours end Wednesday, so after that I will be trying my hand at building the Etsy and wordpress website by myself. (You cannot see the visible cringing, but know it is happening.)Still working on honors thesis, metals final thesis, and Fulbright and Boren applications. And weaving because mental health. Also I may be working with a theater group and Kate to make art books based on their project which revolves around motherhood and breast feeding, more as it unfolds. (Super excited though. All the years we have been friends and we have never made art together. So cool!)
And to end this long announcement, Ryan made 3 batches of mead. Cardamon, peach, and plain. IS IT FALL YET?
Hope all of you are well and happy.
You are missed!
Coral