the dilemma of opening up
I've been told that I don't get very personal (very often) in here. When I do, I usually keep it vague enough to be factually useless despite the emotional TMI. I tend to write about things that happen in my life or in the world, I post memes, or I ask questions of my readers to get away with not actually having to say anything. Some of my posts
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On issue #2, only one brief comment. From my side of the couch, I'd say the therapist's obligation is to be healthy and together in sessions and in relation to the client. I feel a need to trust that Marilyn will do right with me, and even to some extent to be perfect with me. But I feel no desire for her to be perfect in a generalized sense. I can trust her without having to believe that she has no problems of her own. Indeed, if she never expressed having issues of her own, it would make me feel like a failure.
On issue #1 regarding risk:
Interpreting non-response as disinterest makes enormous sense to me, as I feel the same way, but it is not universal. There are people who don't perceive it as rejection, and there are people who don't mean it that way either. Probably majorities in both camps, in fact.
I think a healthy path for you to take is two-fold-- try to bear in mind that most people do not intend what you most fear; and tell the people in your life how non-response makes you feel, and how you would like them to respond. There's nothing wrong with telling people what you want, and giving them an opportunity to do it. They in turn get to do the same with you. There's no future in waiting for people to do what we want because they love us enough to figure it out on their own. That's been a painful notion for me to give up, but life necessitates it.
There are several different sets of triads in the Enneagram circle. One set of triads that is in play here is the earn/demand/withdraw one. Types 1,2,3 are in Earn. 4,5,6 are in Withdraw. 7,8,9 are in Demand. The Types in the earning triad try to get what they want and need by... you guessed it... earning it-- 1s by being good and responsible; 2s by helping and giving; 3s through achievement and success. All three are fundamentally indirect and passive in a way, hoping to get something without asking for it.
2s especially often think that others should know that we want them to reciprocate, and it is easy to get caught up in a self-righteous fit of hurt and anger that everyone else is too obtuse, lazy or weak to reciprocate our gifts to them. Unfortunately, that isn't so. I sometimes still have fits of thinking that Gwen is autistic when she doesn't respond to me the way I want her to.
Most people simply don't see or understand that when you open up, that you're looking for validation, concern, interest, love and all that good stuff. I do, but that's pretty much because I'm always looking for those things too. Most people think you're just posting, just sharing, no big deal, no big weight attached to it.
Anyway, all this is by way of saying that non-response doesn't mean what we think it means. It's not rejection or disinterest. Sometimes it might be, but probably not most of the time. And, regardless, a life of not reaching out and opening up is so profoundly unsatisfying that the risk is worth taking anyway. I remain convinced that getting hurt is better than being lonely. Maybe if I got hurt some more that could change, but I'm not there yet and hopefully won't get there.
As for the serious and intimacy bit that's a little harder for me to address. On the one hand, we can ask those who care about us to make attempts to speak our language and respond in ways that speak to us. On the other, people do get tired, have limited time, or sometimes just aren't up for it. Friends don't have to respond as we want all the time. But a friend who never responds as we want may not be a friend we need to keep, or at least not one in whom to invest your sense of self-esteem.
I also remain convinced that it is appropriate and human to care what others think of us and to give others the ability to define how we feel about ourselves to some extent. Most of that should reside in ourselves, but to be untouchable by others feels wrong. I think it's about making good choices about the people to whom to give that power, and also about being solid enough in oneself to not be destroyed when others "let us down".
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Re issue #1: What, you mean they can't read my mind? ;->
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Why can't everyone else just be as perceptive and generous as we are?
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