Pain on Pain -- Chapter Six
Summary: E/B. AU New Moon. “I should leave you alone. I’ve broken my promise to stay away from you.” Edward’s eyes flashed, anger mixed with longing. “But only because you broke your promise to me first.”
Rated: T for sexual content.
First chapter here. Also posted here at fanfiction.net, if you prefer reading there.
Author’s Note: Several of you have asked if Jacob is going to make an appearance in this story. He is, but I want Bella and Jacob's relationship to end up much the same way it did in New Moon -- and if you recall, it didn't end very amicably. (Sorry, my Team Jacob bbs. It’s seriously nothing against the studly Mr. Black. If it helps, remember that they reconcile in Eclipse.)
***
Pain on Pain
Written by Coquette
Chapter Six
I’d forgotten little things -- like how our bodies fit together so effortlessly.
He wasn't as tall as I remembered. I kept expecting him to tower over me ... like Jacob. But if Edward were any taller, my head wouldn’t fit so perfectly into the nook between his chin and his chest - my own personal shelter.
Edward's hands moved down the length of my back, soothing me, handling me like I was something precious to him. And he kept saying those words -- repeating them like a mantra -- whispering them in my ear, breathing them on my skin.
I love you.
I soaked it up -- a withered flower left too long without care - but to be completely honest, deep down I didn't believe him. It had never made sense for Edward to feel that way about me. I thought perhaps he was just saying that he loved me to help quiet my tears, but it felt good to hear the lie all the same.
He shifted our position and pulled my face away from his chest to hold it between his hands. He pressed a kiss to my cheek, so close to my lips that I couldn't help but sigh his name. The sound of my voice seemed to excite him, set him into motion again, and he dipped his face down to the side of my neck so that he could breathe in the scent there.
Was this really happening?
I felt light-headed, like I was slipping out of my own body. I gripped handfuls of his shirt to ground myself. He moved his lips across my neck until they were resting directly over the pulse, right at the vulnerable base of my throat. “God, Bella, I want you so bad, I can’t think,” he whispered hoarsely.
Then he kissed me there, on the hollow of my throat - open-mouthed and wet.
Immediately, something vital shifted in the mood of our embrace.
Our faces came together, both uncertain, imploring. His eyes were wide, inhuman, almost feral -- but they sought permission. I leaned forward a millimeter, and that's all the encouragement he needed. He weaved his fingers in my hair and brought his lips to mine.
The world slid away until all that remained was him.
As amazing as it felt, somehow the kiss made the longing inside of me worse. Like fire trying to quench fire.
I had never been kissed like that. There was an urgency behind his movements -- a desperation that had me gasping and flailing to keep up. He didn’t hurt me, but it wasn't gentle either. I was overcome. Euphoric. Terrified. I knew nothing, only that I never wanted it to end.
Edward lifted me off of the ground and held tight me against his chest with one arm, his other hand still in my hair. He angled my head to the side, parted my lips with his tongue, and deepened our kiss immeasurably. More fuel on the raging fire. I moaned against his mouth, feeling myself lose control of my senses.
The wind was suddenly in my hair, whistling in my ears, and I felt the overwhelming tug of acceleration on my body. Like a rollercoaster shooting off from a standstill.
The kiss never broke, but I opened my eyes to see what had happened. Edward had carried me into the house in a mere second. A second after that he had me up the stairs and in my bedroom.
He slammed the door shut behind us and carried me to the bed.
***
“Bells?” I heard Charlie call from downstairs. “You here?”
Edward's body, which had been on top of mine, was suddenly gone. I blinked, astonished, and looked about the room. He had vanished without a trace.
Charlie's footfalls sounded on the stairs. They were urgent, like something was wrong. I nearly fell off of the bed as I stumbled onto my feet.
“Bella? Answer me.”
“Up here, dad,” I called out shakily, running my hands over my body to smooth out my clothes. That was when I realized I wasn’t wearing as many clothes as I had been two minutes ago.
I stared at myself the mirror in shock. My cheeks were bright red -- lips, too. My shirt was unbuttoned to the waist and pushed off of my shoulders, where it pooled at the buttoned cuffs at my wrists. I was still wearing my bra, but the skin on my neck and chest was peppered all over with red marks from Edward’s kisses. I also had what my mother would have referred to as sex hair.
You had to give Edward one thing. He was certainly efficient.
Charlie was closing in on the door, and I rushed to lock it before he could enter. As I tugged my shirt back into place and fumbled with the buttons, he tried the doorknob.
“Bells? You okay? Why is your door locked?”
“I'm fine, dad. Just changing.”
His tone shifted instantly. “Oh. Um. Sorry. It's just that the front door was wide open. And there’s a chair knocked over in the living room. Looks like a tornado blew through. I thought something might be wrong.”
I flushed. “Sorry, dad. I was in a hurry, I guess. I’ll be more careful.”
"Why were you in a hurry? You going somewhere? Bella, open the door.”
I smoothed my shirt into place, ran fingers through my wild hair, and unlocked the door. Charlie came in and looked around suspiciously. When he saw the empty room, he relaxed a fraction, but his eyes were still sharp as he took in my appearance. “You’re blushing,” he accused. “You never blush. Not since...” He leaned in closer. "No, not blushing. You've been crying. Your face is all blotchy."
I looked away. Charlie was correct on both counts -- blushing and crying. “Please, dad. I’ve had a really long day.”
"It was him, wasn't it? Figures. That boy can't handle giving you a moment of peace. Gotta stir things up the second he gets into town. He didn't come here, did he?"
My eyes widened before I could stop them, and I prayed he didn't notice. "That’s unlikely, isn’t it?"
Charlie grunted. "Well ... if he knows what’s good for him, he better not. I don’t like the way he plays with your head. Do your homework, kid. Don't want you going anywhere tonight with that goofy look on your face. I'll be downstairs watching the game."
I watched him tromp down the stairs, keeping my eye on him until I saw the light from the television come on. Then I closed my bedroom door and leaned heavily on it.
I could feel my pulse pounding in my lips - and in every other place Edward had kissed me. I put trembling fingers to my lips and felt how raw and swollen they were.
Oh, my...
I blinked and suddenly Edward was standing on the other side of the room, as far away from me as he could get. I didn't hear him before I saw him, so his sudden appearance startled me.
Neither one of us moved or even spoke -- but the looks on our faces said everything.
I was beyond stunned.
Edward was stunned as well. And absolutely panicked.
It was obvious he regretted what had just happened. He had his hand over his mouth -- as if the entire situation was the fault of his lips, and he was intent on keeping them in line. He bore a striking resemblance to the speak-no-evil monkey - only with sex hair that matched mine.
When he finally uncovered his mouth, his words came out in a jumbled mess. "Bella. Sweetheart. I am so sorry. I just ... you were ... so soft.” He raked his fingers through his sex hair. “And warm! And I haven't touched or kissed you in so long, and I lost control. It was a mistake. I didn't hurt you, did I?"
He hadn’t, but I wasn’t coherent enough to reply. I shook my head dumbly instead. Then I took a step toward him, anxious to pick up where we’d left off, and he took a step away from me.
I stopped, and my gaze fell to the ground. Oh. It was like that. A mistake, just like he'd said.
He held up an imploring finger. "That's ... not a good idea. Not so soon. I can't..." He looked away. “It won’t happen again. I shouldn’t let myself lose control around you like that. It’s dangerous. I'm sorry. I love you more than anything in the world, Bella, and I-”
"Stop," I said, cutting him off, "saying that. Just stop. Do you even mean it, or is it just lip service to make you feel better about this whole mess?"
Edward let his hand drop to his side. "Of course, I meant it. Why would I lie about that?"
"Precisely what I was wondering," I said. "Because you either lied to me back in September, or you're lying to me now. Which is it, Edward?"
He fell silent again - evasive and distant like before - and that was enough to push me over the edge. I could handle it if he told me one way or the other. But this constant back and forth was torture.
“Leave,” I said quietly.
Edward blinked at me, obviously caught off-guard. “You want me to...?”
“Go,” I confirmed, gesturing toward the window. The hurt look that registered on his face compelled me to clarify because I couldn't stand seeing him like that. “Please. I’m sorry, Edward. I'm angry, and I'm trying so hard not to blow up at you. I need to think. Process. Calm down. Just go, please.”
Edward stared at me a moment longer -- then he nodded and approached me cautiously. Bending down, he kissed me on the forehead. "I told you that first day I was back that I would only stay around unless you asked me to go. I'll always give you space if that’s what you need."
***
I was in a mood the next morning.
I didn't sleep a bit that night, especially with Charlie checking on me every twenty minutes. Instead, I stayed up and thought about Edward.
Mouth open against mine, hard body pressing me down into the mattress, hips moving between my thighs, hands worrying at my clothes.
Really. How was I expected to sleep after that?
So I paced and chewed my nails down to the quick -- but no matter how I tried to spin the situation, I couldn't make sense of it. Edward was full of contradictions, his actions going completely against his words to me last fall. That in and of itself was enough to incense me.
I felt like I had emotional whiplash.
As much as I had enjoyed having him in my bed -- okay, that was a bit of an understatement -- I was still angry. His rapid backpedaling had hurt, especially when he'd been so quick to call the whole thing a mistake. Not to mention his inability to be completely honest with me. What was I supposed to do with that?
It didn't help that Edward had actually been sweet last night -- so sweet and attentive it made my heart hurt.
And beautiful. God, he was pretty.
But even that made me angry. How dare he seduce me with his pretty words and his pretty face, turn all of my assumptions around on me, then call it a mistake and push me away.
I was running late to school, compliments of my mood and lack of sleep. I hurried outside to my truck, opened the door, and threw my bag inside with a huff. If I couldn't take my anger out on Edward, at least I could afford myself a little road-rage.
"Hey now," said a voice from behind me. "What did that truck ever do to you?"
I wheeled around. Jacob Black was standing by the end of the truck-bed, hands buried in his pockets. He wasn't smiling.
Surprised, I skidded on the driveway but somehow managed to keep my balance. "Jake," I gasped.
It was beyond good to see him. My best friend, the person who had loved some life back into me when I was so unlovable. I took a step toward him, ready to throw my arms around his neck -- if I could manage to reach that high -- but he backed away. I drew up short, feeling the sting of rejection acutely. It seemed as though everyone was doing that lately -- backing away from me.
I tried to keep the hurt out of my tone, afraid he would leave. "H-how are you? Are you okay?"
He shrugged dismissively, and I could see from the tired look on his face that he wasn't okay. Worry tugged at the pit of my stomach.
"More or less," he said. I barely recognized his voice when he talked to me like that -- like I had betrayed him somehow. "I came because you called. A lot. And you should probably stop doing that."
I stared at him, not understanding. "Why would I stop calling you? I care about you, Jake. I've missed you so much."
His face softened a little -- a very little. "I don't think we can be friends anymore, Bella."
I started to tremble, tears stinging the corners of my eyes. Why, why, why did this scene remind me of another?
"But ... why?" I asked. "What did I do wrong? Tell me, and I'll apologize and try to make it better."
"You'll be fine," he said bitterly. "Especially now that your boyfriend's back."
My mouth fell open, shocked. "Edward Cullen is not my boyfriend. And if that's why you're mad, then that's just stupid. I thought our friendship meant more to you than that."
Jacob's eyes shone bright in the morning sun. "Not your boyfriend, huh? So I guess you gave yourself that hickey. Impressive. I didn't realize you were so flexible."
My hand went to my neck, and I tugged on my shirt collar to hide the mark. "Real mature, Jake."
"I'm not here to fight with you. And I'm not walking away because of him. Date who you want. I've got other stuff I have to deal with." His voice was full of sudden animosity, and I wasn’t entirely sure it was aimed at me. Something had him upset - something he didn’t want to tell me.
"Are you at least going to tell me why?" I pleaded. Then I remembered something. "It's that Sam Uley, isn't it? He finally got to you."
Jacob was instantly defensive, and I knew I was right. "It's not... I can't..." He trailed off, looking angry and frustrated. It was as if he literally couldn't choke out what he wanted to say. Finally, he put together a coherent string of words. "Look, I can't talk about this, Bella. I just can't, okay? Really. Can you accept that?"
I shook my head. "Accept that you want to ditch me without a reason? Go off and join Sam Uley's gang? No. I can't. I care about you too much, Jake."
Jacob sighed, looking miserable -- like he wanted to be anywhere else but here, talking to me. "I'm sorry. I don't know what else to tell you. Believe me, I wish things were different, but they’re out of my control. Look, I have to go. The others are waiting for me. But before I do, I need you to tell Edward something for me. A message from us to all the Cullens." He said the name like it was a curse word. "Tell them we remember the treaty and that they should, too, if they know what's best for them. We're watching our borders."
"You're not making a bit of sense," I said, still shaking my head in denial. I was close to tears. "Don't do this, Jake."
Jacob ground his teeth. "Tell him this, too. Tell him that if he ever lays a finger on you - hurts you in anyway -- I don't give a rat's ass about any treaty. He better watch his back. Bye, Bella."
"Jacob..." I stared in disbelief at his retreating form. "Jacob, please!"
He didn't turn around.
***
Perfect.
My loved ones were dropping like flies. First Edward, and now I'd lost Jacob, too. I had no idea why. Was I really that unlovable?
I didn't remember driving to school, but I must have because the next thing I was aware of was the sound of my shoes hitting the gravel in the parking lot. I walked to class like a zombie, too shocked to hear anything anyone said to me.
Edward wasn't in his seat in first period, which I didn't find odd until the bell rang. The teacher took a roll call, his bushy eyebrows raised when he noted that Edward wasn't present.
I stared at the door -- waiting for it to open and for him to rush in. Where was he?
Class started, the seconds on the clock ticking by almost mockingly. Edward never showed -- to that class or any other that morning.
It frightened me. Really and truly scared me -- especially when I saw that Alice was missing from her table in the cafeteria.
The words Edward had spoken to me last night rang in my ears.
I told you that first day I was back that I would only stay around unless you asked me to go.
Stunned, I stopped walking, right in the middle of the lunch-line.
Oh, God. I had thought he meant that he would leave me alone for the night -- but he hadn't meant he was going to leave Forks again, did he? Had I gone too far in pushing him away?
After our turbulent encounter last night, I couldn't be sure. Perhaps my reaction to Edward’s absence from school was irrational, but my emotions were too raw to handle the doubt. First the situation with Jacob, so eerily similar to that breakup last fall -- now this. There was no way I was going to be able to finish out the day without knowing for sure.
I backed out of the lunch-line, dug around in my pockets for my keys, and walked out of the building.
***
Instinct alone helped me locate the Cullen house. I was upset and having trouble thinking straight, but somehow I found the pull-off. I felt a small amount of relief when I saw that the garage door was open, several cars visible inside. Someone was here. But that didn't mean he was, or that he wasn't planning to leave and simply hadn't had the chance yet.
As I got out of my truck, the front door opened, and Edward stepped from the house. "Bella?" he called, coming into the yard. The small amount of sun peeking out through the trees turned his hair a vibrant shade of bronze. "What are you doing here? Why aren't you at school?"
I exhaled in relief when I saw him -- but started shaking with anger a second later. "I should be asking you that," I said. "What, no goodbye this time? No kiss on the forehead? Take care of yourself, Bella. "
A few more strides and Edward was in front of me, his face alarmed as he read the anger upon mine. "What are you talking about?" he asked cautiously. "Are you all right?"
"You're leaving again, aren't you?" I said, gesturing toward the garage. "Probably rounding up the troops as we speak, packing up the cars to make a quick getaway."
Edward's lips parted, the look on his face difficult to read. "Bella..."
"I asked you to leave last night because I needed time to think."
"I realize th-"
"Not because I wanted you to leave-leave!" I said, cutting him off. "I swear -- you make me so mad sometimes, I just want to throw things."
I looked around, snatched up a pinecone, and lobbed it at him -- unsatisfied when it merely glanced off of his shoulder. So I threw another. And another. As many as I could find. Most of them missed -- and none of them would ever hurt him, of course -- but it felt good all the same.
I heard laughter and turned to see where it came from.
"Hey, Bella!"
I followed the sound and saw Emmett waving from an upstairs balcony. Jasper and Esme were there as well -- Jasper doubled over with laughter, and Esme covering her mouth to hide her amusement. Her eyes sparkled at me fondly.
"You should throw something bigger if you really want to hurt him," called Emmett. "Like your truck. Want Jasper and me to lend a hand?"
My eyes shifted to Edward's face. He'd stood there the whole time, patient and unmoving, as I'd pelted him. Now he had pinecone seeds in his hair, and I felt terrible.
My face crumpled. "I don't want to hurt you," I whispered, fists clenching into little balls. "I love you."
Jasper and Emmett both chorused, "Aww..." as they hung over the balcony.
Edward exhaled and shook his head, obviously annoyed with his brothers. He started for me, and placing a hand on the small of my back, led me away from the house -- and hopefully out of earshot of his family.
We stopped beneath a cover of trees, and Edward put his hands on my shoulders, leaning in close. "Sweetheart," he said, "the sun is out today."
I stared at him, trembling, trying not to cry. "What?"
"The sun," he repeated patiently. "It's shining. My skin, sparkling. Alice and I couldn't come to school today because of it. That's all. No one was planning to leave."
I stared up at him wordlessly. Then I looked around and noticed the little patches of sunlight all around us -- the way his skin seemed to shatter into rainbow prisms where the light touched him. All the pieces fell into place.
"Oh," I whispered, looking anywhere but at him. I felt foolish, stupid. I tried to turn away, but he wouldn't release my shoulders. "I'm sorry. I just ... last night I told you to leave. And then I got scared that you really did. I shouldn't have lost my temper like that."
Edward opened his mouth to say something.
"Just let me get this out, okay?" I pleaded. "It's so hard to say what I'm feeling when you’re around. I get so happy to see you that I forget why I'm angry. And then later, I'm left with all that anger still inside of me, and I don’t know what to do with it all. Please."
Edward squeezed my shoulders and then released me. "Just let it out," he said, backing away a few steps to give me some space. "Say what you need to say. I don’t like seeing you like this."
Half of his face was shrouded in shadow, the other half glittering like diamonds from the sun. The dichotomy wasn't lost on me.
"I just don't understand you," I started, each word like poison leaking from my veins. I had to get it out of my system if I was going to heal. "I don't understand how you can be so loving one moment, then so cold the next. I don't understand how you could be the type of person who would risk your life to save mine from James, and then abandon me only a few months later. And Edward, I don't understand anything that's happened since you came back. Not one second of it. Like why after so many months apart, you suddenly show up again -- or why you would tell me you loved me after you convinced me you didn't." I shook my head, tears spilling over onto my cheeks. "God. I can't think with you sparkling at me."
I turned my back on him, swiping tears from my cheeks. "Jacob came over this morning," I continued. "Jacob Black. I don't know if you know who he is, but he took care of me while you were gone. And this morning, he ditched me. Just up and left -- said we couldn't be friends anymore without an explanation or anything. And it all came pouring back to me like it was yesterday -- that day when you left. I'm angry, Edward. I'm pissed off. What you did was wrong. I don't care if you love me or not -- you don't treat people like that. You don't pretend to care and then walk away, hoping it all fixes itself. It hurt, Edward. It hurt so bad, I didn't know what to do with it all. And then, seven months later, you just show up again -- all beautiful and sparkly. And you keep telling me things and doing thing that confuse me and mess with my head. And you gave me a hickey! I mean ... how am I supposed to hide that?"
I sniffled and hugged myself. "It wasn't right, Edward -- and it's not okay. But I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lose my temper like this, and I didn't mean to throw things at you. That wasn't right either. All I know is that I love you. I love you so much, it makes me irrational. And maybe that's what this whole mess is really about. Love making us irrational.
"I think I need to go now. I said what I needed to say. Got it all out. I think I'm going to be okay. And you don't have to follow me, Edward. I know you have a good heart, and I don't want you to feel obligated to be with me just because I'm upset and crying. The months I spent with you were the best of my life. I love you, and I can't believe how lucky I was to have you for even a second. I will always love you, but it wouldn't be real love if I wasn't willing to let you go if that was what you wanted. So I don't want you to follow me. I want you to think about what's best for you, without me here messing with your head. Once you figure that out, just let me know - one way or the other."
***
To be concluded.
Author's Note: Haha, so much raaage in this chapter. And flying pinecones -- we mustn't forget those. Don't worry. I think she got it all out of her system.
One more chapter, bbs. Up soon, I hope. Thanks for reading.
Cheers!
Coquette