LJ Idol Season 9, Week 12: "Barrel of Monkeys"
Leap Before You Look
I've never been one of those people for whom every day has to be exactly the same. You know the type--the alarm is set for 5:47am, after which they spend exactly eleven minutes in the shower, five minutes getting dressed, and seven minutes eating their buttered toast (cut diagonally) before driving the same route to work they've driven for the last nine years.
I am a fan, however, of having a real structure to the week. Karaoke on Monday nights, Scrabble on Tuesday nights, church on Sunday mornings, daily talks with Katie. And, as of a few weeks ago, a full-time job at the county education office.
The last is important, because that's what Katie and I have been waiting for to finally set a wedding date. Except for the part where I am utterly petrified at the idea.
I love Katie. I want to marry her, because she has seen fit (for reasons which, at times, are unfathomable to me) to put her heart in my hands, and I am doing everything in my power to avoid shattering it.
But I know that introducing another person--even one I love so dearly--into my daily life will change things. Scratch that: It will change everything. My life will never be the same.
And even though I believe that the changes will be for the better, change is still scary.
Anyone who has ever had a pet knows what I mean; even the most pleasant and affectionate cat or dog in the world still introduces a large amount of chaos. You love them to death, but sometimes the messes just don't seem worth it.
Now replace the pleasant, affectionate animal with a horde of mischief-making circus animals, and you begin to see why I hesitate. (Though to be clear, I am not comparing Katie to a circus animal, just the level of upheaval that her introduction will entail.)
While I've always imagined myself being married at some point, now that I'm actually here, I have so many doubts about my ability to succeed at the actual daily act of being married. I know my faults and foibles, all too well. I'm a very independent person, and I like the current loose structure of my life. Can that structure--can this person--accommodate another life being so intimately intertwined?
I don't have answers. But God does, and He's not going to let me fail. (So easy to say, so difficult to wrap my head heart around.)
We've finally gotten Katie's church booked for April 18th, 2015. It's going to be an adventure just to get there, and even more of an adventure once we actually say our vows. And I know it will be worth it.
But I'm still allowed to be scared, right?
Right?