LJ Idol Season 9, Week 10: "If You Have Come to Help Me, You Are Wasting Our Time"
"Don't Speak"
"Can I get you gentlemen anything else?" Emma, our waitress, stood poised with her pen hovering over her order pad.
"No, I think we're fine," I said. Brian nodded in agreement. Emma smiled and walked away, not noticing as Brian craned his neck to watch her as she did so.
"So what's this about Jenna breaking up with you?" I asked, snapping Brian's attention back to the table. I suspected I wouldn't have it for long.
Brian shook his head. "She said something about me not being committed, that I wasn't respecting her. Look, dude, I don't remember, I was drunk. All I know is she's gone." His eyes wandered around the room as he spoke.
I pondered for a moment. In the year or so I'd been mentoring Brian, this was the third young woman--all of whom were "totally the girl for me," in his words--that he had met, dated, and been left by.
"Do you think she's right? That it's something you said or did?"
"That's what I don't get, dude--what did I do? I totally respect her--she's a beautiful woman." Brian's neck spun to the right so hard I thought he'd get whiplash. "Speaking of beautiful..."
Discreetly, I turned in the direction he was looking to see whether the woman was a blonde or a redhead. Turns out it was the latter. I watched as she sat down by herself at a table, opened a book, and put in her earbuds.
"Dude, you see her? That's definitely a ten. Maybe an eleven!" His efforts to whisper were not as successful as he might have hoped.
I sighed and turned back to Brian. "Okay, yes, she's pretty. So there are a lot of beautiful women in the world. You've had three of them break up with you in the past year. What does that say?"
"Dude, she's different. Besides, I got to enjoy them for a few months, and I'm happy with that." He stood up with determination. "I'll be right back."
"Sit down, Brian."
Brian stopped in his tracks and looked down at me. "Look, dude, it's not like I'm gonna slip anything into her drink. I don't do that sort of thing."
"She doesn't know that."
Brian ignored me. "And besides, I...just want to tell her she's beautiful. If it leads somewhere, fine, but that's all it is--I'm expressing admiration for the beauty around me."
He started to walk again, but I stood up and blocked his path. "Sit down, Brian. This is important." He tried to move around me, but I stayed in front of him.
"Dude, come on. You're acting like I'm gonna hurt her or something." When I didn't flinch, he reluctantly flopped back down on his side of the booth. I sat down and considered my words.
"Look at me, not at her. Now, tell me, what is she doing right now?" Brian pondered for a moment, then shrugged. "I'll tell you--she's reading a book. Were you paying enough attention to notice which one, or were you too focused on her legs?"
"Dude, why does it matter? She can put her book down for a few seconds. I just want to brighten her day."
"Her day's plenty bright as it is. She's in her favorite coffee shop, grooving to some music, sipping a latte, and reading a good book. The last thing she needs right now is some stranger--who, for all she knows, may be some kind of predator--"
"But I'm not!"
"Listen to me: She doesn't know that. She has to be on her guard all the time, because some percentage of guys out there may look normal and seem nice, but actually would try to rape a woman. In fact, you probably know one."
The words hung in the air for a few seconds. "Anyway, as I was saying, having some stranger interrupt her moment of bliss to say something which may or may not be a come-on would darken her day, not brighten it."
Brian pondered this for a moment. "But don't I have the right to express admiration for the beauty around me?"
"Yes, you do. And you already have, to me. But that right is trumped by her right to not have to worry about being dragged into some dark alley and taken advantage of."
We sat in silence as Emma returned with our sodas. Brian seemed lost in thought. I figured it was time to really try to get deep into the issue.
"What you have to understand, Brian, is that every woman thinks in these terms. They have to project an air of confidence so they don't look like a target. They travel in groups when going home from parties because they can't feel safe walking alone. They put up all of these body-language signals that scream 'Do Not Disturb' because any disturbance could be deadly."
Brian started to respond, but I cut him off. "And I know you're not one of those type of guys--though your track record with women leaves something to be desired. But sad as it is, the few guys out there who do mistreat women have made life more difficult for the rest of you. So you don't get to tell her she's beautiful. It's a small price to pay to make the women of the world feel a little more like people, not objects of guy's desires."
Brian blinked at me. "Is that what they really think of us? Is that what Jenna thought of me? That we're all horn-dogs who can't control ourselves?"
"Look, I don't know what was going on in Jenna's head. All I know is, every woman has had some man violate her in some way, and the mistrust runs deep. And it's on us to change it."
"How?" Brian now seemed to understand the depth of the problem. "How do I let the women in my life--or the ones I want to have in my life--know that I'm one of the good ones? What can I do to help, Joe?"
"Don't do anything. Just listen. If they want to talk about these issues, it's not your job to solve them--just letting them have a judgment-free space to lay it out on the table is enough. Don't derail the conversation by insisting that you're not one of them. Just let them speak. That's help enough."
We each took a sip of our sodas. Brian took a last look at the redhead as she packed up her things and prepared to leave. "Think she'd be open to a compliment now?"
I shook my head. We had a long way to go.
*****
#YesAllWomen