LJ Idol Season 8, Week 26: "Sated"
"Confessions"
Trigger warning for discussion of domestic and sexual abuse.
I could hear the sounds of the television through the paper-thin walls. It had to be late now--they were back to selling Ginsu. I squinted at the clock: 2:24. Good thing I didn't have work tomorrow.
The TV turned off, and I listened as soft footsteps padded down the hallway. A few seconds later, a knock came softly on the door. "It's open."
Catherine poked her head in. "Can't sleep?" I shook my head. "Me neither," she whispered as she walked in, feeling her way over to the desk and flicking on the lamp. "Shield your eyes," she said, following her own advice as the dim light flooded the darkness.
I closed my eyes for a second, then slowly let them adjust. "Had enough of the informercials, I guess?"
"Yeah, I've seen all I need to see. And I'm still not buying," she said as she leaned against the desk in her black tank top and matching pajama pants. "I can't think of any reason I'd want to cut through any of my shoes with a kitchen knife."
I chuckled to myself. "Come on, you never wear the same pair twice. I bet you could splice some old pairs together and make a cool new design." She just shook her head and rolled her eyes at me. "Maybe we can get you on Project Runway with some multi-colored pumps."
"Oh, stop it, Mr. Two-Pairs-of-Shoes-in-Five-Years. We need to take you shopping sometime."
"A fate worse than death!" I said with mock drama. "Spare me from this torture and misery!"
She just laughed, which was something I'd heard far too little of recently. When you've known someone for twenty-one of your twenty-four years on earth, you tend to get used to certain things, such as her smile and laughter. But in the week Catherine had been crashing on my couch since her husband had kicked her out, those things had been few and far between.
"Seriously, though, I'm not here to avoid infomercials," she said. "I'm here because it's too lonely out there." I looked at her quizzically. "I'm so used to falling asleep with him, it's hard to do it without him."
I nodded, then grabbed the other pillow on my full-size bed. "Why do you think I keep two pillows here?" I said, clutching it to my chest. "There are nights where it's one pillow for my head, and one for my heart."
She nodded, then looked deeply into my eyes. "And there are some nights when a pillow just doesn't cut it."
"Like tonight?" The look said it all. I peeled the covers back, replaced the pillow, and patted the empty space next to me. "Hop in."
***
The next hour was spent mostly in silence, her soft curves curled up next to me. Though we'd grown close in every manner imaginable--socially, emotionally, spiritually--cuddling was as far as we'd ever taken things physically. Still, a guy can't help but react to someone like Catherine being in such close proximity...
"Somebody's happy," she whispered as her leg draped over mine.
"Come on, I've spent the last however-long with a beautiful young woman in my arms," I protested. "Frankly, I'd think you'd be more offended if I *wasn't* reacting."
"Who said I was offended?" I did notice her reposition herself to avoid any further awkwardness. "Besides, if you listen to everybody else, we've been doing the horizontal tango for years."
"I'm amazed those rumors persisted even after you married Jake," I said. The mere mention of his name caused Catherine to shudder. "Why on earth did he kick you out, anyway? If you don't mind my asking."
She lowered her eyes. "I wasn't good enough for him."
"Then his standards are impossible to satisfy," I said. "What else could he possibly have wanted?" I lifted her head back up, only to see tears welling in her eyes. "Cat?" I whispered, turning on my side to mirror her pose. "How bad was it?"
A single tear wended its way towards Catherine's nose. Tentatively, I brushed it away with my thumb. That simple gesture undid her; she lurched forward, clinging to me fiercely and sobbing into my shoulder for several minutes. I rocked her protectively as the details came flying out between whimpers.
"Every dinner had to taste perfect, every room had to be white-glove clean...or I'd be punished...he'd fuss over my appearance, even if we were just going to the store...the beatings started after about a year...never once paid attention to my needs in bed, only his..." The litany of abuses went on and on. I continued to hold her, occasionally running my fingers through her soft red hair.
***
"Eventually, he said I couldn't be what he needed, and that was that." Catherine finished her tale of terror, but continued to sob quietly.
"On behalf of men everywhere, I'm sorry," I said.
She smiled weakly, then fixed her pale blue eyes on mine. "It's not your fault. I--"
"Nor is it yours," I quickly interrupted. "Nobody is capable of living up to his standards. He'll never be satisfied."
"I understand that now," she whispered. "But why did I fall for him in the first place?"
I took a deep breath. "Probably because it was the first time you'd ever fallen for someone, and it was such a whirlwind of emotions, you couldn't get your thoughts straight until it was too late."
Catherine shook her head. "That's not true, Steve. I've fallen in love before."
This was news to me; normally there were no secrets between us. "Really? who?"
Wriggling out of my embrace, she laid back on the other pillow and stared at the ceiling. "I couldn't tell you, because...I didn't know how you'd react."
Propping myself up with an elbow, I scooted next to her. "Who was it?"
Her hand reached up, a single knuckle stroking my cheek. "You."
Memories flooded my mind; how nervous she was when she asked me to prom "just as friends," the way she always hesitated at the end of our hours-long phone calls during her summer in Europe, the sadness in her eyes as she walked down the aisle to meet Jake. "Since when?"
"I'm not sure exactly," she said. "Probably senior year of high school. But I wouldn't let myself believe it, because I didn't want to lose you."
"Well, we were hormonal teenagers then," I replied. "You probably noticed I was developing a bit of a crush on you, too."
"Let's see; the single pink carnations every Valentine's day, the fact that we spent every lunch period at the same table, the blown kisses during my choir concerts...nope, didn't see any signs of it." She smiled and winked.
"Yeah, I guess it was kinda obvious," I said, falling back onto my pillow. "No wonder the rumors flew."
We sat in silence for a minute. "Golly, we were such idiots," Catherine finally whispered. We both broke down in laughter, but it was only a few seconds before the tension returned to the air.
"We still are," I eventually said. "Here we are, the two of us, obviously both attracted to each other...and neither of us is willing to make the first move. Why?"
catherine sighed. "Because it's change, and we're both scared that the grass is greener on the other side, and if we do anything things will get worse instead of better."
I thought for a moment. "Yeah, that sounds about right."
A few more moments of silence. Then, finally, she wriggled over next to me and spoke. "You were right earlier, though. Whoever I'm with, their satisfaction doesn't matter if I'm not satisfied as well."
Her hand rested on the back of my neck. I gently reached out and stroked her cheek. "What would satisfy you?" I whispered.
She smiled and rolled herself atop me, her face millimeters from mine. "I want to give, and know that I will receive in return. I want to lose myself in the arms of someone I love." Her nose brushed past mine. "I want it to be tonight." Her lips barely brushed against me. "And I want it to be you."
***
The sunlight breaking through the curtains found us a tangled, sweaty, sleepless mass of flesh. I gently caressed Catherine as she came back to earth.
"That...was...incredible," she whispered. "When did you become such a good lover? You never told me about any girls in particular."
"It is considered ungentlemanly to discuss one's conquests," I replied in a snooty voice, drawing a laugh. God, the way her body shook against me... "It takes two, though. You weren't so bad yourself."
She smiled and leaned her head on my shoulder, then leaned up and kissed my neck. "Ready to go again?"
"Again?! Cat, you *are* insatiable." As she rolled atop me with an evil grin, I cupped her face in my hands. "We should've done this a long time ago."
"I know," she whispered. "So let's make up for lost time..."
Thanks to lrig_rorrim for the beta.
Trigger warning for discussion of domestic and sexual abuse.
I could hear the sounds of the television through the paper-thin walls. It had to be late now--they were back to selling Ginsu. I squinted at the clock: 2:24. Good thing I didn't have work tomorrow.
The TV turned off, and I listened as soft footsteps padded down the hallway. A few seconds later, a knock came softly on the door. "It's open."
Catherine poked her head in. "Can't sleep?" I shook my head. "Me neither," she whispered as she walked in, feeling her way over to the desk and flicking on the lamp. "Shield your eyes," she said, following her own advice as the dim light flooded the darkness.
I closed my eyes for a second, then slowly let them adjust. "Had enough of the informercials, I guess?"
"Yeah, I've seen all I need to see. And I'm still not buying," she said as she leaned against the desk in her black tank top and matching pajama pants. "I can't think of any reason I'd want to cut through any of my shoes with a kitchen knife."
I chuckled to myself. "Come on, you never wear the same pair twice. I bet you could splice some old pairs together and make a cool new design." She just shook her head and rolled her eyes at me. "Maybe we can get you on Project Runway with some multi-colored pumps."
"Oh, stop it, Mr. Two-Pairs-of-Shoes-in-Five-Years. We need to take you shopping sometime."
"A fate worse than death!" I said with mock drama. "Spare me from this torture and misery!"
She just laughed, which was something I'd heard far too little of recently. When you've known someone for twenty-one of your twenty-four years on earth, you tend to get used to certain things, such as her smile and laughter. But in the week Catherine had been crashing on my couch since her husband had kicked her out, those things had been few and far between.
"Seriously, though, I'm not here to avoid infomercials," she said. "I'm here because it's too lonely out there." I looked at her quizzically. "I'm so used to falling asleep with him, it's hard to do it without him."
I nodded, then grabbed the other pillow on my full-size bed. "Why do you think I keep two pillows here?" I said, clutching it to my chest. "There are nights where it's one pillow for my head, and one for my heart."
She nodded, then looked deeply into my eyes. "And there are some nights when a pillow just doesn't cut it."
"Like tonight?" The look said it all. I peeled the covers back, replaced the pillow, and patted the empty space next to me. "Hop in."
***
The next hour was spent mostly in silence, her soft curves curled up next to me. Though we'd grown close in every manner imaginable--socially, emotionally, spiritually--cuddling was as far as we'd ever taken things physically. Still, a guy can't help but react to someone like Catherine being in such close proximity...
"Somebody's happy," she whispered as her leg draped over mine.
"Come on, I've spent the last however-long with a beautiful young woman in my arms," I protested. "Frankly, I'd think you'd be more offended if I *wasn't* reacting."
"Who said I was offended?" I did notice her reposition herself to avoid any further awkwardness. "Besides, if you listen to everybody else, we've been doing the horizontal tango for years."
"I'm amazed those rumors persisted even after you married Jake," I said. The mere mention of his name caused Catherine to shudder. "Why on earth did he kick you out, anyway? If you don't mind my asking."
She lowered her eyes. "I wasn't good enough for him."
"Then his standards are impossible to satisfy," I said. "What else could he possibly have wanted?" I lifted her head back up, only to see tears welling in her eyes. "Cat?" I whispered, turning on my side to mirror her pose. "How bad was it?"
A single tear wended its way towards Catherine's nose. Tentatively, I brushed it away with my thumb. That simple gesture undid her; she lurched forward, clinging to me fiercely and sobbing into my shoulder for several minutes. I rocked her protectively as the details came flying out between whimpers.
"Every dinner had to taste perfect, every room had to be white-glove clean...or I'd be punished...he'd fuss over my appearance, even if we were just going to the store...the beatings started after about a year...never once paid attention to my needs in bed, only his..." The litany of abuses went on and on. I continued to hold her, occasionally running my fingers through her soft red hair.
***
"Eventually, he said I couldn't be what he needed, and that was that." Catherine finished her tale of terror, but continued to sob quietly.
"On behalf of men everywhere, I'm sorry," I said.
She smiled weakly, then fixed her pale blue eyes on mine. "It's not your fault. I--"
"Nor is it yours," I quickly interrupted. "Nobody is capable of living up to his standards. He'll never be satisfied."
"I understand that now," she whispered. "But why did I fall for him in the first place?"
I took a deep breath. "Probably because it was the first time you'd ever fallen for someone, and it was such a whirlwind of emotions, you couldn't get your thoughts straight until it was too late."
Catherine shook her head. "That's not true, Steve. I've fallen in love before."
This was news to me; normally there were no secrets between us. "Really? who?"
Wriggling out of my embrace, she laid back on the other pillow and stared at the ceiling. "I couldn't tell you, because...I didn't know how you'd react."
Propping myself up with an elbow, I scooted next to her. "Who was it?"
Her hand reached up, a single knuckle stroking my cheek. "You."
Memories flooded my mind; how nervous she was when she asked me to prom "just as friends," the way she always hesitated at the end of our hours-long phone calls during her summer in Europe, the sadness in her eyes as she walked down the aisle to meet Jake. "Since when?"
"I'm not sure exactly," she said. "Probably senior year of high school. But I wouldn't let myself believe it, because I didn't want to lose you."
"Well, we were hormonal teenagers then," I replied. "You probably noticed I was developing a bit of a crush on you, too."
"Let's see; the single pink carnations every Valentine's day, the fact that we spent every lunch period at the same table, the blown kisses during my choir concerts...nope, didn't see any signs of it." She smiled and winked.
"Yeah, I guess it was kinda obvious," I said, falling back onto my pillow. "No wonder the rumors flew."
We sat in silence for a minute. "Golly, we were such idiots," Catherine finally whispered. We both broke down in laughter, but it was only a few seconds before the tension returned to the air.
"We still are," I eventually said. "Here we are, the two of us, obviously both attracted to each other...and neither of us is willing to make the first move. Why?"
catherine sighed. "Because it's change, and we're both scared that the grass is greener on the other side, and if we do anything things will get worse instead of better."
I thought for a moment. "Yeah, that sounds about right."
A few more moments of silence. Then, finally, she wriggled over next to me and spoke. "You were right earlier, though. Whoever I'm with, their satisfaction doesn't matter if I'm not satisfied as well."
Her hand rested on the back of my neck. I gently reached out and stroked her cheek. "What would satisfy you?" I whispered.
She smiled and rolled herself atop me, her face millimeters from mine. "I want to give, and know that I will receive in return. I want to lose myself in the arms of someone I love." Her nose brushed past mine. "I want it to be tonight." Her lips barely brushed against me. "And I want it to be you."
***
The sunlight breaking through the curtains found us a tangled, sweaty, sleepless mass of flesh. I gently caressed Catherine as she came back to earth.
"That...was...incredible," she whispered. "When did you become such a good lover? You never told me about any girls in particular."
"It is considered ungentlemanly to discuss one's conquests," I replied in a snooty voice, drawing a laugh. God, the way her body shook against me... "It takes two, though. You weren't so bad yourself."
She smiled and leaned her head on my shoulder, then leaned up and kissed my neck. "Ready to go again?"
"Again?! Cat, you *are* insatiable." As she rolled atop me with an evil grin, I cupped her face in my hands. "We should've done this a long time ago."
"I know," she whispered. "So let's make up for lost time..."
Thanks to lrig_rorrim for the beta.