"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.
Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your
attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data,
have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by
searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century
computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer
screen.
Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg
command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will
begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates
a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of
resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The
Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all
of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be
available for their normal operational functions."
Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."
Fifteen minutes later . . .
Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in
the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of
all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of
the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage
and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication
of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if
their is something we have missed."
Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of
the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity
has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."
Two hours pass . . .
Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time
they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest
deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from
something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard "Identify."
Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE
HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.
SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the
Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the
tortures
of deep space ?!"
Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits"
Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"
Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
all types of papers."
Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'.
I understand that it often proves fatal."
Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the
Borg deserve that!"
attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data,
have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by
searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century
computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer
screen.
Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg
command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will
begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates
a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of
resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The
Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all
of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be
available for their normal operational functions."
Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."
Fifteen minutes later . . .
Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in
the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of
all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of
the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage
and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication
of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if
their is something we have missed."
Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of
the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity
has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."
Two hours pass . . .
Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time
they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest
deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from
something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard "Identify."
Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE
HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.
SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the
Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the
tortures
of deep space ?!"
Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits"
Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"
Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
all types of papers."
Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'.
I understand that it often proves fatal."
Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the
Borg deserve that!"