Blow away the ash, part eight.
Occasionally, Zuko visits his father, and he feels that he ought to give Azula the same treatment.
The first few times he goes to her, she says nothing, either sits still with her eyes closed and pretends she doesn't know he's there, or tries to frighten him by staring at him and rocking slowly.
"I know what you're trying to do," he says firmly, "And I'm not scared."
At that she stops rocking, and her eyes grow even rounder. She looks so different with her hair down and unkempt, and without her make up. She looks younger, more vulnerable. She looks a little like Zuko himself, which is unnerving, and if he let himself think about it, he would wonder about the narcissism in her abusing the brother who could be her twin.
The last time he visits her, she speaks. She comes right up to the bars, reaching out a hand, and he instantly backs away, like she is diseased.
"I love you, Zuko," she says, in a voice so sad and sincere that he has to believe it, "I didn't want to hurt you. I just wanted you, and that was the only way I knew I could have you."
"Do you realise what you have done to me?" Zuko replies, "You tore me apart. Because of you, I've been hurting and starving myself since I was thirteen years old. You've made it so hard to trust or love absolutely anyone. I can't stand the sight of you."
Her lip trembles; and for once he can't tell if the shining of her eyes is just crocodile tears.
"I love you," she trembles, "Please love me."
Zuko looks at her in disgust.
"You don't understand, Azula." he spits, "It's not just that I don't want to love you, though I don't. I can't love you."
He turns on his heel, and leaves before she can say another word.
*
Zuko is roused in the middle of the night by a panicked guard, who is so prepossessed by his task that he doesn't even seem to notice that the prince has been sharing his bed with Sokka, who is waking beside him.
"Sire," the guard says breathlessly, "There's been a terrible accident. We need you in the cells, and a healer or a doctor, urgently."
Zuko's eyes widen, and he leaps out of bed, yelling back to Sokka, "Bring Katara!" before running out of the room on the guard's heels. His heart drums so fast it feels more like a whirring, and dread rises in his stomach as he descends the steps to the cells where Azula is being kept. His throbbing heart seems to stop altogether when he reaches the cells, and sees what has happened within it.
The iron smell is almost overpowering. Azula is sprawled in one corner, her head slumped forward on her chest, her knotted hair falling in front of her face. Her skin is almost completely white, and she lies in a pool of blood, slowly growing around her, edging towards the walls. She is bleeding heavily from her wrists, which have been slashed open repeatedly, and one limp hand holds onto a piece of bloodied glass.
Zuko howls and throws himself towards her, pulling her up into his lap, covering his hands and his clothes in her blood.
"Azula!" he screams, "Azula, wake up!" he looks up, wild and desperate, "KATARA!"
Katara runs around the corner and into the cell, holding her vial of water. At once she kneels beside the sobbing prince and the silent princess, and gritting her teeth begins to bend the water over Azula's cuts in an attempt to heal them. She works determinedly for a number of minutes, and eventually the cuts seem to seal over, and the bleeding stops.
"We need to get her to a doctor," Katara says to Zuko, trying to keep her voice even and remain as calm as she can for his sake, for he is shaking and crying and she can't let herself do the same, "She needs stitches and bandages, what I've done won't heal the skin permanently."
Zuko only nods, then tries to get to his feet holding his sister, but his legs are weak and he can't. Sokka darts forward, taking Azula from him and hoisting her up into his hold, before turning and make his way up the stone steps as fast as he can. Katara puts an arm around Zuko to support him, and helps him up in the palace. They don't follow Sokka and Azula. Katara takes him to his bedroom, where she cleans the blood from his face and body. He wordlessly strips to his underwear and burns the blood-stained clothes, too tired and horrified to care what Katara sees. Her eyes widen at the scars. She says nothing, but she feels incredibly sad, and kisses his forehead chastely before taking him to the bed. They lie together, on top of the covers, and eventually Katara sleeps. Zuko stays awake until dawn, when he rises, steps into his bathroom, and hesitantly presses his fingers against the scar from he and Azula's Agni Kai. He burns the damage fleshed again, falling to his knees with the agony of it. He curls into a ball, and wishes silently that he were dead.
*
Relapse is the simultaneous losing and winning of a war, in which you are fighting for both sides. A part of you fights for normality, health, balance, whilst the other part strives for the madness that comforts you, for the pain you think you deserve. Relapse is your happiness being crushed under the steel-tipped boot of your anxiety and desire to self-punish.
Zuko is unwell, and too weak now to delude himself otherwise. His weights rises erratically and then dips dramatically, he cannot get through a day without bursting into tears and one moment or another, and he's harming himself again. He winces every time he sits and rises as the movement tests the raw scabs on his thighs horribly. He still sleeps side by side with Sokka, but fears Sokka's gentle touch, for Zuko thinks if he grows attached to it, it will be taken away, as was the love of his mother.
He sleeps badly. Whenever he closes his eyes and tries to rest, he sees Azula's pale figure slumped in a circle of her own blood, and the images burn in his mind until utter exhaustion sends him under.
*
"You're making me fat," Zuko cries, beating feebly at Sokka's chest with his fists, refusing the mouthful of food.
"I'm making you better," Sokka replies through gritted teeth, "I'm trying to save your bloody life, so fucking eat, Zuko"
"I hate you," Zuko chokes, "I hate everyone. I hate my mad family and the madness they've put in me."
"You're not mad, you're just unhappy and tired and very ill," Sokka insists, "And we're gonna get you better." Zuko weeps pathetically, and continues to refuse the food until Sokka gives up in frustration, throws the spoon down into the bowl and quits the room.