Blow Away The Ash- Part Six
Pairings: Sokka/Zuko, Azula/Zuko
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: self hatred, self harm, incest, sexual abuse, rape, victim arousal, eating disorders, miscarriage.
Summary: Every night, Zuko cries in his sleep. Sokka, who shares his tent, attempts to ignore it, but eventually he cannot, so he wakes Zuko to comfort him. Zuko tells Sokka all about what happened to him when he was young, and Sokka yearns to help him to heal.
Blow Away The Ash
Part Six
Zuko knows that he is not the only one who has suffered.
Azula, too, has endured terrible pain, and when she is writhing bound on the floor, laughing and shrieking and crying all at once, something twists in his chest, and he feels ill to know that he pities her. There's a constant heaviness in the pit of his stomach that doesn't go away, even when his father is imprisoned, and the war is declared over. His instant, triumphant coronation feels like nothing. What is a kingdom when your only sister has twisted your mind, so that you can't even bear to kiss a boy, a boy you deeply feel for, on the mouth?
Azula is imprisoned, in a different part of the palace dungeons to their father. Zuko doesn't want to risk him even saying a word to her, let alone managing to touch her. She is filthy, covered in dirt and dust from where she thrashed about on the ground, bleeding from her knees, so the servants strip her and scrub her in a hot bath, like she's the princess soon to be Fire Lord again, and she shuts her eyes and leans back and tries not to think, but the thoughts find her, and she starts to scream and kick in the water, and they have to haul her out and bind her arms to her sides to stop her from hurting someone, or herself.
Zuko, who has been watching from the door, glances at her naked body, and then looks away quickly. He knows that she isn't pregnant, it's been months since the Ember Island incident and she would be showing by now, but her stomach is flat as ever, her ribs a little more pronounced. He screams internally at himself for looking and then runs to a small alcove high up in the palace, where Sokka won't find him. Zuko doesn't feel he deserves to be found right now, the comfort Sokka offers is too sweet for him to deserve.
Eventually he comes down, and Katara, Aang, Toph and Sokka are all sitting around the fireplace in the main hall, laughing and talking. Zuko's stomach growls, and he realises with a guilty pang of pride that he hasn't eaten all day. He balls his hand into a fist in his pocket, gnawing on his lip and considering. He doesn't want to lose control entirely, not again, but he allows himself a small victory, and makes a promise to himself that he will eat breakfast in the morning.
"Zuko," Sokka calls over, gently but cheerfully enough not to seem out of place to the others. Zuko walks towards them, and seats himself cross-legged with them, holding out his hands from them to be warmed by the fire, his hiding place having been very cold.
"What have you done today, Zuko?" Aang asks pleasantly.
"I had some business to sort through with my uncle. Although the war is over, the work isn't done yet. There's a lot of unrest in the colonies, and with the Earth King especially. People aren't just gonna forget everything my father and my ancestors did. People don't trust me, and who can blame them." There is a short silence, then Zuko adds, "I also dealt with… Azula's imprisonment. The terms of her sentence and stuff."
Katara simply reaches out a hand and places it on Zuko's shoulder, and he appreciates it. Part of him is aching for Sokka's touch, wants Sokka's lips to softly brush his neck in a comforting gesture that's almost innate, like a mother animal tending its young. It doesn't come, so instead Zuko gets to his feet.
"I hope you don't mind, but I want to get an early night. I'm so tired… I don't know the last time I was this tired."
"We understand," Katara says, "Get some rest, you'll feel better in the morning."
"I'll hold you to that, healer," Zuko says with a smile. He starts to walk away, then hears a scrambling behind him, and turns to see Sokka getting to his feet and making to follow him.
"Oh hey, Zuko," Sokka says, awkwardly, while his sister blinks at him in confusion, "Do you still need help- carrying that- er, that heavy thing you mentioned?"
Zuko looks at him blankly for a second, then cottons on.
"Oh, yeah, sure, Sokka, I'd appreciate that."
"I can help!" Toph volunteers, "I don't know what it is, but if it's on the ground I can shift it with earth bending-"
"Uh thanks but we're good," Sokka says in one breath, before he and Zuko run out of the door. Zuko leads the way up to his room, and they only stop when the door is closed behind them, and they're leaning on it and panting. Zuko laughs, and Sokka's heart thrills to hear the happy sound, it being so rare. Zuko turns his head to face the other boy, and fixes him with a look that makes Sokka's mouth go dry.
"Zuko-" he starts, but at once his mouth is snatched up Zuko's, and he's caught in a passionate kiss, Zuko's hands cupping his face. Sokka kisses back eagerly, letting Zuko push him up against the closed door. They kiss for a number of minutes, Sokka's head spinning happily. Without thinking, he slips his hand up Zuko's shirt, and he splays his palm against Zuko's chest.
It's like a shock of lightning strikes through them both. Zuko's mouth breaks away from his as quickly as it had come, and he jerks backwards, looking like he's just been haunted by a malicious spirit.
"Zuko- oh God, Zuko, I'm sorry," Sokka says desperately, but Zuko is pale, and is shaking his head.
"No, no," he whispers, "No, Sokka, I can't. I just can't. Please just get out."
"Zuko-"
"GET OUT!" he yells, his eyes filling up with tears. Blinking back his own, Sokka turns and leaves. Zuko falls to the floor and cries.
*
Iroh is awakened by a timid knocking at the door of his bedroom. He rises from his bed, rubbing at his eyes, and opens the door to see Zuko, illuminated by a small ball of fire in the palm of his hand, his features pale and his face tear-streaked.
"Zuko, what is wrong?" Iroh asks, concern thick in his voice.
"I can't sleep," he replies quietly, " Not… not in that bed. I'll be moving to another room soon, but the servants haven't had time to prepare one yet, and the only other rooms are my father's and Azula's and- the things I know, I… I can't-"
Iroh quickly pulls Zuko into a hug, hushing him gently.
"Ssh, Prince Zuko, it's alright," he murmurs, "You sleep in my bed. I will go and sleep in yours." Zuko pulls back, and looks at him with grateful but frightened eyes.
"Please stay," he says hoarsely. Iroh strokes Zuko's hair.
"I will stay."
He tucks Zuko up in the bed, like he's a little boy again, and then settles himself in the chair by the bedside. He says nothing of Zuko's little sniffling sobs, but begins to hum an old lullaby from Zuko's childhood, as if absent-mindedly, but Zuko knows it's for him. He shuts his eyes and nestles down under the quilt. He is soon in a dreamless sleep, the first he has had in years.
*